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Momma Kiss: September 2008

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Monday, September 29, 2008

My Time

I've decided that my favorite time ever is in the car. Alone. I drive to work. All of 9 miles, but I used to take a train - and while that had its benefits, there is NOTHING like being in my car, all by myself and CRANKING the tunes.

I had it blaring so f'n loud today, my ears were ringing. And singing?! At the top of my lungs, baby.

So if you see Momma driving down the road looking like she's going postal, don't be afraid. I'm just enjoying myself.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

The Right Stuff (i think)

Highlights of the concherto!

I looked fantastic. New shirt, fancy kick ass shoes and even felt good. Great hair, too. Yeah, smokin.

Got to A’s late (fucking weather and City Traffic).

Found her getting drunk w/ her temporary roommate.

Quickly tried to catch up by drinking a Corona, Schmirnuff Icey and glass of wine.

It sort of worked.

The wine to go, tho, did a number on me. We drank heavily on the train to the city.

Like the hobos.

I almost had to carry A, she was so tanked. Come to find out, she doesn’t even really like NKOTB, just said that I was so psyched when I asked if she wanted tickets she said yes just to make me happy. Awwww.

Anyway…we saw lots and lots of middle aged women. And some w/ kids around 7-10 yrs old. I asked a few of them if their kids’ names were Jordan or Joey.

And any man we saw, we applauded him. And said “You must be in love, sucker” and then under our breath (“or gay”).

We asked the cops if they were PUMPED to be working this event. They were.

Natasha Bedingfield (sp?) was the opener and I luff her. Heard her Soulmate song on the Bachelorette and it made me weep.

She rocked.

And we got another beer.

Did I mention my seats were on the 3rd level? And it was frikkin steep up there!

I only fell once.

My supah cute and normally somewhat comfy shoes hurt like a motha, so I just started carrying them.

Yes, I was barefoot in a large public venue. Nasty.

On one return trip from the beer stand (where Dan knew my name) we went to the wrong section and as I was walking thru, one girl was like “be careful, she puked.”

Yeah. Uh huh. I pretty much trekked thru someone else’s puke. Barefoot. All the while holding up A’s drunk ass.

Oh, was I at a concert? I was. And as soon as I saw Joey Mac (well, his voice really – as soon as I heard him) I screamed the biggest scream evah. And it wasn’t no teeny bopper scream. Deep and hearty. I luffs me some Joey. He looked amazing. The other guys were hot, too. Aged well. Sang all the faves – and Jon did some from his solo album (which I did not know). My personal highlight was them all in white. Singing to ME, I know they were.

We made it out alive (damn A) and miraculously got a cab to get home. Where we promptly ordered pizza and cinna sticks. I burnt the roof of my mouth, but didn’t care.

I awoke to a pounding – like jackhammer pounding - headache (forgot my GD prenatal), a stuffy nose and blisters so bad you can’t even imagine. Holding yourself steady in heels whilst bombed ain’t easy!

So I downed some of A’s drugs (thought long & hard about taking one of her Vics, but I withheld) and got my ass home.

Rainy day = inside entertainment w/ the boyz. It’s been a long LONG day.

Top it off, I had to go to germ infested chuckEcheeze tonite for a b-day party. Big Kiss loved it and it was pretty fun for me, too, if only I could see straight – damn hangover.

Enough. I’m fuctastically tired. Off to dream about mack-daddy-knecking with Joey….

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

It's random. Yep, it is.

The shits and shukes have left the building. THANK GOD.

Since I lost a couple of pounds thru my orifices, I decided to take advantage of the loss and really kick into my diet. Actually using my WW subscription. It’s going well. For the day and ½ I’ve been doing it.

I was in a training all day yesterday, the one I set up because I’m now the IT Department. The trainer was wearing Ivory corduroys – and his package was HUGE. I was right in front and could not stop staring at it. I’m 99% sure he’s gay, so some man is very very lucky.

I learned a new word and am trying to work it into an IRL conversation: Said word is Twatwaffle. You know you want to say it, too.

The t.v. (ABC maybe?) keeps reminding me it’s National Stay At Home week – and my DVR is running full steam. I love premier week!

I had a good time on IM last night w/ one of my BFF’s – but my BoBo has been way too busy for me lately and I hate it. I’m actually hurt by the lack of convo, not for my lack of trying!

I’ve been texting MYSELF when I park lately – so as not to forget my parking location. I’m not kidding.

I’ve started working on my Christmas card. Yes. I have. And I plan to start listening to Christmas music soon. As soon as NKOTB are off my playlist because…

I’m going to the New Kids on the Block concert on FRIDAY! In their hometown! I can not wait. I’ve got a brand new thong that I intend to throw at Joey Mac. And I’m staying w/ A –- so yay – a night out AND a full night of sleep perchance?

It’s supposed to rain all weekend. Great.

I had way more I wanted to say – but have forgotten the rest. Lucky you!

Monday, September 22, 2008

Shukefest 2008

So Friday night’s Pukefest was like the town 4H fair compared to last night. Big Kiss was up allllll night long – and this kid can not upchuck in a bag, a can or the toilet. Nope. He prefers to puke on his Momma.

And the kicker?

Wait for it…



Both Momma and Daddy got it!!


So in between cleaning my sheets, my kid’s sheets, every towel we owned and sitting upright in the bathtub for 45 minutes during the height of the storm, so to speak – I also got to hug the bowl myself. And shuke. Ass on the bowl, can in hand. Mr. Kiss had to go downstairs to do his business.

Stomach bugs can bite my ass. And chew on it for a while. A long while.


And p.s. I was supposed to be donating blood this morning. Too bad all of my bodily fluids are toxic, I was actually looking forward to that.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Pukefest 2008

I hate puke. With a passion. I can change a shitty diaper, clean up messy messes, but I hate puke.

So how fun was my night - last night - when Lil Kiss decided to toss his cookies no less than 4x. Once, around 10pm, while changing him - so it was like projectile puke up onto my glasses, then he's covered in it and I'm afraid he's choking on the volume. He did not. Thankfully. Clean him up, the changing table, me - settle him, back to sleep. Till 11.30. All over him and the sheets. And me for good measure when I went to get him. Clean up, change sheets, settle him. 1am. Repeat. 3am. Repeat. He did wake at 6, and was able to drink some and has had a fine day - but dayum, poor chap had some sort of bug.

But I need to repeat, I HATE puke. Are you happy you know this?

Friday, September 19, 2008

I've been wondering...

Can you drink too many of these? Like if I have 3 packets in a day (to drink my 3 L of water) – is that bad for me?

And do you know that if you wait till, oh, say 2pm? to start drinking your 3 liters of water, and it's 4pm and you have a meeting, that at, oh, 4.07pm your bladder will feel like a thousand monkeys are jumping on it to let the pee out?

And also, do you know that if you eat everything bagels two mornings in a row, that it will make your pee smell spicy?

And also, I woke up with a zit. I'm almost frikkin 34. A zit. I wonder if the fact that Target was displaying their halloween candy - and this bag of 'caramel candy bars' screamed "YOU MUST BUY ME NOW" and so I purchased and have eaten half the bag a few of them has anything to do with said zit?

FTR, people, this Caramel mix is to die for! Take Five, Nutrageous Bars, Milk Duds and Rolos. I mean, come on?! How could I pass it up? But damn. I think it's contributing to my teenage raging face.

Another thing. I had the weirdest feeling this morning. I had this twinge in my belly, and it immediately made me think back to the first time I felt one of my kids do a karate kick inside me. It was so comforting. It was just a gas bubble, and it would take a helluva swimmer to knock me up right now, but it was a good lil memory. Thanks gas bubble!

Did you also know that when you get more than 6 hours of sleep, you're actually energized? Who knew?

OK - I'm done wondering for now.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008


News Flash.

I think I'm a loser! I've been mad at my scale lately, so I haven't used it. It was just too many ups & downs. I decided to just go w/ how my clothes felt.

Well some hurt. I ain't gonna lie. I'm shaped way different, damn kids. But they are fitting better. Today, I'm wearing a suit I wore over 2 years ago to interview for my current job. And it's my old size. So yes, it fits. With a slight muffin top, but whatevs, I have 2 small children who wrecked my middle.

Neener Neener Neener, I'm a LOSER!

Plus, when I wear my nice suits - it keeps my boss on his toes...i.e. perchance she's interviewing?! muuuwwwahhhaaaaahhhhahah.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I've been therapized

I went to my appointment.

Yeah, I'm a mess. But apparently no more than anyone else ;)

But I kept the appt, I had verbal diarrhea for 45 minutes and I made another appt.

That's all.

I'm doing a PSA - Senate Bill 1738

Protect Our Children Act – Senate Bill 1738

I watched my DVR’d Oprah last night thru tear filled eyes. I was enraged hearing of the sick and twisted fucks out there. These internet ‘image traders’ – they trade child porn images like baseball cards. And videos. Of LIVE molestation. She didn’t show any of it, of course, but that didn’t make me less nauseous.

She had an officer on, Agent Flint Waters from Wyoming (I think) who developed a software program to track the images and he said he’s overwhelmed with his job, but he keeps working because he’s helping children. He pointed to a stack of papers and said something like “when I go home at night, that stack of ‘open items’ isn’t just paperwork unfinished, it’s another child that I couldn’t help today, that hopefully I can help tomorrow.”

Can you friggin imagine?! This guy – and those at the Federal Child Protection Agency – who screen these images – all need medals for the work they’re doing.

The show was amazing, no ‘music’ before a commercial break, no clapping – just an informative show about the fucking disease known as child predators and how they use the internet to get their kicks. BUT, being Oprah, I knew she’d so a “so now what” portion and she did.

The law enforcement officers need funding. They have systems in place to track and even FIND these bastards. But need the funding to get it all done.

Go to her site, find the link to your home state Senators and write to them to Pass This Bill! This is bipartisan; democrat, republican, independent, crunchy – I don’t care who you want in the White House – they need to hear from us to pass this bill so that they can continue their work on catching these twisted fucks.

Here’s Oprah’s site:
Oprah Helps Pass the Protect Our Children Act

And another I found that sums up the show.
Tellin it like it is...

I’m not even kidding, if I found out anyone even considered this w/ my kid – yes, my toddler and baby are of prime age for this shit – they’d have to tranquilize me to keep me from cutting their extremities off. I’d die in the process – I can’t even tell you.

Friday, September 12, 2008

And PS

I purposely did not do a 9/11 rememberance blog yesterday. I remember, a lot, and will never forget.

But I do want to say that I'm sorry for the families who lost loved ones; those who did not perish yet deal with the consequences still today; and those who did this to our country.

Thank you to all who fight for our freedom. Regardless of the politics, they fight, every day, so that I can express my opinions and work and walk freely down any street I want to. I'm lucky to be an American.

An idea - thank you cards

This week I was writing out thank you cards for all the prezzies Lil Kiss got for his birthday, and thot I'd share what we did.

I love making cards, sending cards and just paper productes in general. I'm a paper lover!

The first gift he got in the mail had the cutest wrapping paper on it. I decided to save some of it for his Thank You to that person. Recycling AND a personalized card.


Card: (another gift was wrapped in the robots)

Fun, huh?

During the party, I was actually pausing to try to remember what gift was wrapped in what. And if they used a bag, I cut part of the lil taggie or used some of the tissue paper. Which wasn't at all easy after a few glasses of Mommy Juice. But it worked. And I don't care what the recipients think - I loved them :)

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Who the hell am I kidding. That Target Card was just taunting me from my wristlet. Spend me…you know you want to…you NEED to…

So this morning I stopped in, just to browse, before work. Shit, I spent 2x the frikkin card.

But look at my cute shoes.

So not built for comfort, but I buy trendy fun shoes at Targhay and staple quality shoes at Needless Markup (I mean, Neiman Marcus).

And I got a shirt, a cute head band, a popeye muskle shirt for Lil Kiss (it’s hysterical) and some other random crap.

Momma’s BACK!

p.s. since Fall weather has set in (luff this time of year) I'm wearing my super dee dooper awesome coat I got like a month's a reminder.

Not only does it look good, it fits me perfectly. Ching!!!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Oh ma GAH!

I had to return something at Target today. Got a merchandise credit instead of cash. Walked around for about 20 minutes and didn’t find anything.

So I left.

Me. Momma Kiss. Left Target without buying ANYTHING.

I repeat.

Oh ma GAH!

And now I have a pretty little Target Merch Credit Card burning a whole in my writslet…


Last night was lovely. It truly was. My Big Kiss had the best day. When we got home we played Monster with is BFF and Little Kiss (chasing whilst screaming "RAAAARRRRRAAARRR" and then when I'd catch them, I'd twirl them around, enjoying their squeeeeee of delightful skerdness). Lil Kiss loved it and the big boys were getting nice and sweaty running from the Mean Scary Momma Monster.

We had a fun dinner - and after Lil Kiss was in bed, Big Kiss and I read books, did his bath (he washes his own hair now, you don't even wanna KNOW how huge that is) and then when I wrapped him in his monkey towel, I asked him to wait in my room so I could go get his jammies.

Well when I got back, his towel was tossed aside and I heard this tiny giggle under my covers. He loves to "hide" from us before bedtime, but he's never been able to hide fully on his own. (Momma or Poppa usually need to help "cubber" him up). So I said all singsongy "Where's Big Kiss?" More giggling and toe wiggling under the comforter. "Hmmmmm, where's Big Kiss?"

All of a sudden the covers shoot down and he yells "Here My Am!" And look what he's wearing! I SOL (snorted out loud) and almost peed myself. He was giggling and so dam cute.

And this morning was a million times better than yesterday. Thank God In Heaven. Smooches all around, it's a glorious day!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Bite Me ~ and a slap in the proverbial face

I'm having a shitty day. It's only 10 am.

It sort of started last night, Mr. Kiss just does his thing - whatever he's doing, and then when it 's time - goes to bed. Nevermind the fact that bottles need to be made, milk cups poured, dishes in the dish washer, none of it. G'Night.


And then this morning was rough with Big Kiss. I pray to God above that he is watching us and grants me patience, to the Nth degree. It's partially our fault. We let the behavior go on. But the boys share a room. If one wakes, the other is usually up. So Lil Kiss was up at 3.30 - crying (had shots yesterday) - and when Big Kiss wakes at nite, he comes to sleep with us. Bad Behavior #1.

I get Lil settled and I'm back to bed - only I have to move the kid over just to get a sliver of bed. A King size bed, mind you. Then he's up whining at 5am for a drink. Like whine upon whine upon whine. Bad Behaviour #2 - we get him a drink.

Back to sleep, back to me having no room. Then around 6.15 it starts. I don't know if he just doesn't want to be getting up for the day, if he's hungry, if he's overtired, if he needs to pee...but every single morning. I mean EVERY morning, he whines a little bit - for who knows what - and when we don't give in - he starts crying. Then screaming. Then throws a tantrum.

Who the fuck wants to start their day like that?

This morning it got worse because he was just being a sissy. Yes, I called my 3 yr old a sissy. He had to pee, but wouldn't move the bench himself and was whining so bad the dogs must have been howling. Well I didn't move the bench for him and he started peeing on the floor. And hated it - but couldn't stop, so I put him in the tub and he hated that, too - but finished peeing while he screamed.

Does this sound fun to anyone??

The super shitty part is that he snaps out of it and is back to his sweet cherub antics. Like that. Flips a switch.

I'm at my wits end. I don't know what to do. I do know that whatever course of action is taken - Mr. Kiss and I need to do it together - and that's been hard lately.

Which brings me to my next thought. I just realized my counselling appointment is next week. The one I made a few months ago. The one I said I'd keep, no matter what. Becuase I've made appts in the past, but never kept them. Not one. For 14 years. So I'm stressed about that. I don't want to go. I don't want to tell my life story to some stranger "by appointment." But I will go. And maybe some of this shit can be resolved. With my man (communication, consistency in dicipline). With my kids (patience). With myself (always feeling sub-par).


Bite me. That's my 'tude today - and I'm sticking to it.


Well Christ. I guess God is looking out for me today. Talk about a reminder of the little things...

just received this poem.

♥ Mother's Heart ♥

I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
Our life together has just begun
You're part of me my little one.
As mother with child, each day I grew,
My mind was filled with thoughts of you.

I'd daydream of the things we'd share,
Like late-night bottles and Teddy bears.
Like first steps and skinned knees,
Like bedtime stories and ABC's.
I thought of things you'd want to know,
Like how birds fly and flowers grow.

I thought of lessons I'd need to share,
Like standing tall and playing fair.
When I first saw your precious face,
I prayed your life be touched with grace.
I thanked the angels from above,
And promised you unending love.

Each night I lay you down to sleep,
I gently kiss your head and cheek.
I count your little fingers and toes;
I memorize your eyes and nose.
I linger at your nursery door,
Awed each day I love you more.

Through misty eyes, I dim the light,
I whisper, "I love you" every night.
I loved you from the very start,
You stole my breath, embraced my heart.
As mother and child our journeys began,
My heart's yours forever my little man.

-Author Unknown

Friday, September 5, 2008

A watched pot never boils?

I'm watching water boil.


Waiting to melt white chocolate to dip my cheesecake lolipops in. This is the last task of the evening, I've already made 4 dozen cupcakes, 2 dozen cookies and cream cheese fruit dip. I also finished the favor bags (w/ the Face on an M&M) and the cupcake "decor" thingies.

Today is my baby boy's birthday. He's 1. I made this video montage of his first year - and cheesenrice, I bawled like all day long. You add songs, and I picked just the right ones. It's 8 minutes. 8 minutes to sum up his first year of life. But it's flippin amazing. And I think I'll spend whatever $$ they want to buy a dvd of it, I think the lil man would like to see it someday. Or his wife, I suppose ;)

So the reason I had to remake 2 dozen cookies is that the batch I made on Thursday? Before work? My fucking dog ate them. ALL OF THEM. Damn Dog. It's like "he at the homework" but worse. So Lil Kiss went to school w/ very un-Martha-like cookies this morning - but the current batch look much better than the peni batch. Whew.

Had a good time last night w/ A. The guy was wicked late - turns out he doesn't get text on his Crack - so when she texted him the time / place, and he never responded, and she got all craxy about it - it was for nothing. Good thing we called around 7 just to say we were getting apps and would wait if he was comin ;) He was. Damn, I laughed so hard. A & I could have fun staring at a blank wall, I swear. Good times.

I'm purposely babbling acuz I'm avoiding my emotional wreck of a day. I'm so blessed to have such a remarkable family. Truly Blessed. I'm just gonna leave it at that ;)

Water's done!

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Apparently I'm in the IT dept. And Slacker Martha anyone?

So I’ve just been informed I’m being pulled into some systems conversion project shit at work. Really? I’m a CPA. Not some IT Guru (although I loves me some internetz). But yea – I’m to write reports in Oracle. Like 20. In 2 weeks. AND, I've been tagged as the point person - the go-between - for each divisional head who needs help writing their reports and the consultants. Again, Really?

Needless to say, I about shit my pants yesterday when I found out. Thankfully I already put in for Vaca tomorrow – so I can go balls to the wall today and really dig in next week.

Tomorrow. Little Kiss’ birthday. It’s here. I’m in denial, and I don’t mean the river in Egypt! I’ve made my lists and done some prep for his party on Saturday but totally and completely didn’t even think about bringing stuff in to school tomorrow. I know, you’re probably saying “who cares, he’s 1, no one will know.” But I care. And I secretly love being “that Mom” who apparently gets it all done AND brings in cookies for her kid’s first birthday *smug wink*

Since I’ve been roped in to being A’s wing-woman tonight (“date-ish” happy hour w/ a guy she met at the golf tourney – lotsa potential there) I can’t do them later.

What does that leave? This morning. Before work. Kidlets off to school, Momma off to the grocery store to buy cookie dough (cut me some slack, I needed the short cut) and I was baking this morning. I bought these kick ass Martha cookie cutters last winter – like 75% off on every letter of the alphabet and number. FINALLY – a time to use them! I made #1 cookies – but, um, the look at little phallic, don’t they?

Not like hers:

I may have to decorate them to make them better, but they’re for a bunch of 1 year olds – I didn’t want to add too much frosting. We’ll see – and again – who cares (we all know I do).

P.S. – this was the time the cookies went INTO the oven. I am supposed to be to work at 9. Didn’t even remotely happen today.

Peace-out, rumple smoothskin...

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

It's September?!

Crap on a cracker, where did the summer go?

Granted, today is gorgeous out. This weather has been amazing - cool nights, warm days. I feel blessed we're faring well as some friends in the South had to evacuate because of Mother Nature's mean lil boy called Gustav :(

The long weekend was heavenly, I recovered from the blistered feet and sore back and we had a supah day yesterday. Just the Fam, it was sooooo needed.

Back to work today. Blech. And I'm in 'professional dress' again - Double Blech.

My lil baby boy turns 1 on Friday. 1. ONE, PEOPLE! This time last year I was hobbling my ass about, thanking God he did not make my ankles swell to double their size (like he did w/ my first pregnancy) and just waiting to meet my son.

Too bad I didn't blog when preggo, that would have been some crazy shit. I have journals, but will spare y'all the deets. Altho maybe I'll pull some together for my Ode to Lil Kiss - you've been warned...

And PS - I'm wearing Spanks today. If I could do it without busting something, I'd bow to the Spanks. Deeply.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Quiet Please.

My extended strike was fantastical. Friday some friends came over, then I did this all afternoon...

Mr. Man got home around 2 (YAY!) and we got the monsters around 4. Friday nite pizza nite, some chats and then beddie-bye for Momma!

Saturday morning, I left the house wicked early to be a volunteer at the PGA Tour event in town. Worked all day long, and then went to dinner w/ A after - got home around 9.30. Talk about tired. My feet had blisters, my back hurt. I was on Hole 5, guarding crossings, holding up the QUIET sign, telling drunks to Shhhh. Good times. A gave me some good assignments, she's the boss on the Hole - it was a great day. And, no worries about the Boyz - Mr. Man called in reinforcements. His 'Rents came over to help him out visit for the 2 days I was volunteering. Of course, the Boyz love their company, so it's all good.

Sunday morning, tee time was 7.02. Sheesh - so I left the house at like 5.30 - and Sunday was H-O-T. Like 85 and sunny. Windy, too. I used sunscreen, but didn't reapply. Ouch. Not as long a day - and Mr. Kiss came to watch golf, so I was able to talk to him when I was on a boring post. After the golfers were thru Hole 5 - my day was done. In years past, I totally stuck around to watch the finish, have some drinks, etc.

Not yesterday. I wanted to cry my feet hurt so bad. Like literally cry. And Hole 5 is like in GUAM, so far out from the entrance to the course, so I had to hobble my way back to the car. Christ, I felt old.

Got home and the boyz were so excited to see me. What a great feeling. But I wanted to die, so I pawned them off on G'Ma for another 30 minutes and took a long hot soak in The Wonder Tub. Sigh. The 'rents left after dinner, monsters in bed by 7, I was in bed at 7.30. Again, I'm old.

This was my view from the Tee on Hole 5 yesterday morning. Shhhh, it's illegal to have cell phones or cameras - but I'm not one to play by the rules.

I think that's Rocco Mediate - or Corey Pavin. They had just hit their tee shot. It was early, tho - and I don't remember who the hell it was.