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Momma Kiss: April 2011

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Who's gotta go #2?

I took the elevator down to the first floor.  Far away from any of my co-workers.  I hustled in, and immediately thanked the Porcelain Gods that the bathroom was empty.  I was about to have a colon blow of epic proportions.  I sit down…attempt to complete my mission and the door opens.  Ok. It's ok. Maybe they'll be quick. Maybe they'll see me and just turn around.  I have a shy sphincter (I know I'm not alone in this.  Solidarity).  Luckily, this person realized they had walked into a war zone and left immediately. 


I was able to finish in peace, and in thinking about how thankful I was for that alone time…I decided to share a little wisdom.  Of the bathroom etiquette variety. 


And no, I'm not talking about when you have to go at home – where you may have toddler fingers trying to crawl under the door, screams coming from the other room or even the rare child ON you while you attempt to unload your bowels. 


I'm talking public restrooms here. Specifically at work.  Where you can't just walk in and drop a deuce at any moment.  There may be others in there, and you don't want to have to sit across from them in a meeting later thinking "was it stinky?"  "Did I fart the toilet-bowl-echo-fart?"  "Did they recognize my shoes?!?"


FYI, this is from the female perspective, but dudes can read, too, I guess. It is a fact that women actually do poop. Everyone poops. There's a book about it. 


So here goes.  I give you:  The MommaKiss Guide to Going #2 at Work. 


These are for you – oh sad woman with the little poop nugget about to fall out…


1 - Try to wait until the very last moment to do your business.  You feel a gut rumble? Sit at your desk for another 5 minutes.  Maybe 10.  This way you can find an empty bathroom, get in and do your business and get out.  As quickly as possible.  Of course, if you don't find an empty one right away, you may be doing the Storm Trooper walk to the next closest restroom – but here's hoping you're lucky on the first try.


2 – Once seated, almost done, you realize someone walks in.  You're sure you can't just pinch it off (you tried) and you need a little more time.  Allow the courtesy flush.  The one that will rid the existing evidence and also – it's muffled – the person coming in should understand that you're claiming the territory.  If they're wise, they'll come back later. 


3 – If they are clueless or just plain don't give a shit, well, then, it's a waiting game. You may sit there tapping your feet. You may remain silent. You may roll off some paper, blow your nose. You're waiting for her to flush, you see.  Because as soon as she flushes, there's noise. You can plop away and you're done. If you're like me? You wait for her to wash her hands and leave before you emerge.  Knowing full well, she's probably seen your shoes – but at least there's no immediate eye contact. 




A few words for the other party here? The one who walks in on someone already sitting and has gone silent? 


Unless you're seriously going to die if the turd doesn't come out this very second – turn around. Maybe wash your hands if you want to "look" like you needed to enter the restroom…but do it quick.  Your fellow ladyfriend behind the stall door with the shy bumhole will thank you.


She may even buy you a fiber one bar.  


Don't you love my MommaKiss lists? I'm totally available if you need more advice. Holla!! 

*FYI, I do not advise googling the word sphincter for synonyms. There are none. But there ARE graphics. Shudder. My fucking EYES!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

WW 4.27

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I’m getting all bloggy about Shutterfly again. I love their site – have used them for years and years…and I couldn’t pass up the chance to take part in their Mother’s Day blog event. Humor me.

Do you send cards for Mother’s Day? I do. If I’m running behind, which is typical, I’ll whip up some hand made cards to send to my brother’s wives, other “moms” in my life, friends who are moms. I don’t think we’re recognized enough. Seriously. If you don’t send cards, at least e-mail or text (or call) other mothers. They need the pick me up.

Ok – so the cards. If I’ve left enough time – I could send one of these. They’d even address and stamp them for me, talk about easy peasy.

I’m considering a Momma’s Photobook this year for my mother in law. I haven’t printed digital photos in ages – I use the books more. For trip memories, birthday party pics, adult toy party shenanigans. You know – the milestones in life. Ahem. Ok – back to the mother in law. Her birthday is 2 days before, so double duty gift! Score! I’ll just need to double check that she gets the family picture book and not the “shenanigan” book.

This is where I tell you to go – now – and check out the Fly products. Get it? Fly? From Shutterlfy? *facepalm.

Also? Are you a blogger? Click here to sign up for a chance at 50 free cards from Shutterfly.

Enjoy, kids!

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Monday, April 25, 2011

I'm not here

I'm not here in more ways than one, let me tell ya. I'm busy feeding the invalid Mr. Kiss, breaking up brawls between the boys and crying over my 5 yo losing his second tooth.

Yep. Both top teeth gone. Lookin' like a preppy hillbilly with his teal popped collar polo and no top teeth.

Oh I'm also still working. Holy crap this Momma is exhausted.


I found time in my nutcake brain to write for Shell. She's enjoying Spring Break with her kids (is that possible? I'd rather hire a sitter and take a nap).

This needed to come out - I'm glad I wrote it. Visit please?

Peace out.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


Friday, April 15, 2011

M*A*S*H called, they want Hot Lips back. TAKE HER!


I am finally on a computer, not just my phone. This past week? From heathens!!!

Monday, Mr. Kiss had back surgery. It's a microdiskotomy or something, but basically he had a broken disk and the surgeon went in to remove the broken piece that was pushing on his nerve, making him generally assholeish.

He's recovering well, very well. We had help from Monday to Wednesday, but as soon as I got home from work on Wednesday, the in-laws bolted. I don't blame them, really - we're all quite a handful. Plus my mother in law made dinner before she left. She's totally cool like that.

So Mr. Kiss is in bed, I'm getting the kids ready for bath time and the 3 year old hurls. I'm talking across the room hurling. This was 7pm on Wednesday. He was up every. 30. minutes. that night. Puking, dry heaving, shitting.

Like a college freshman who's punch was spiked.

Didn't stop on Thursday and it's worse today. There's asspiss involved. And wouldn't be complete without shuking, now would it?

Did I forget to remind you (a hundred times) of the 225lb man who is on bed rest with a huge hole in his back? Yah.

I couldn't go to work. Barely surviving here. Meals for the invalid, washing puke / shit blankets and towels and jammies, getting the 5 year old off to school.

My upstairs is like a fucking M*A*S*H Unit. It's not pretty.

You people love my family stories, don't you? I can't help it. I'm knee deep in shuke and felt like sharing.

Don't worry.

I've washed my hands.

OH - Remember the hands? With the fab manicure? It's lasted. Oh yes, I'm a haggard mess, but my nails look incredible. The color, by the way, is Sally Hanson "Grey Area." Not Slutty Mauve like Sara suggested. That would totally kick ASS as a nail polish color. You should contact OPI, girl.

ANYway. I better get my ass back to taking care of shit.


p.s. my team-mate Poppy who writes FunnyOrSnot could use a lil help in fundraising for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure. Click that lil box right over there ------> $5 bucks. Give up your latte for the day. Or speed. Whatever.

Make me happy. I deserve it.

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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

With this ring...

#weddingrings #backsurgeryisanasshole #mynailslookgood #thankgodforpainpills #oneforyoutwoforme #nursemaid #ideserveamedal #settleforatahnkyou #sickofmeyet?

(I have to hashtag because I can't get to my labels)

(i.e. I'm mega-lazy)

(and exhausted)

(this isn't so wordless, is it?)

(I could make a habit of this!)

(Mr. Kiss is recovering from his broken back)

(thanks y'all)

Sunday, April 10, 2011


Mr. Kiss is having back surgery tomorrow.


There's that.



Friday, April 8, 2011

Friday Flip Off AND Kick a Donkey

As of 9.17am on Thursday, April 7th, Mr. Kiss was officially unemployed. He's a statistic. We'll be collecting the government checks. Maybe even food stamps. Or blocks of cheese. I blame the French. Fucking French.

Which, HELLO? Totally calls for a for a Friday Flip Off.

Flip off French companies who decide to take over US Companies and lay off 80 people.

Flip off situations that make my kids ask why Daddy won't have to get ready for work in the morning.

Flip off Texas, too. Texas had a chance to remedy this situation. Texas is a cockbag. (thanks Moooooog for that word).

Yah. All of that.


I had a lil "list" of a guest post yesterday. Things that make me want to donkey kick you. At Poppy's place. Check it. And don't be a douche, if you do anything deserving of a donkey kick, you KNOW I will find your ass and kick it. Hard.

P.P.S (or is it pss?)

I totally conned Poppy into spooning me in a tent and walking the 3 Day with me. If you've got 5 bucks to spare, please support her. She needs to raise the minimum of $2,300 by July - we can do it, right?

Here's her page.

She may even update it soon with a personal message. Maybe some donations will kick her in gear, for fuck's sake.

I'm begging. I never beg. But I'm begging today. Don't make me make a fucking habit of it.

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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

It's still Wednesday, Right?

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Monday, April 4, 2011

First Toof

My baby has lost his first tooth on Saturday.


Fine he's almost 6, he's not a baby. Whatever.


I'm having a hard time with this. His first tooth. Gone. Right up front, too, so I see it every time he smiles.  And he's got like 5 other teeth that are loose. They're going to start falling out like a meth head's teeth fall out. I know this. But the first one? Crushing me. 


Murphy's Law, we had an appointment scheduled for pictures Saturday. I needed updated pics of the kids and well, now this day is professionally documented.  Sigh. He's a cute little turd, isn't he?


I'm a sap.

Again, whatever. 


Just let me wallow in this milestone, will ya?