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Momma Kiss: Who's gotta go #2?

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Who's gotta go #2?

I took the elevator down to the first floor.  Far away from any of my co-workers.  I hustled in, and immediately thanked the Porcelain Gods that the bathroom was empty.  I was about to have a colon blow of epic proportions.  I sit down…attempt to complete my mission and the door opens.  Ok. It's ok. Maybe they'll be quick. Maybe they'll see me and just turn around.  I have a shy sphincter (I know I'm not alone in this.  Solidarity).  Luckily, this person realized they had walked into a war zone and left immediately. 

 

I was able to finish in peace, and in thinking about how thankful I was for that alone time…I decided to share a little wisdom.  Of the bathroom etiquette variety. 

 

And no, I'm not talking about when you have to go at home – where you may have toddler fingers trying to crawl under the door, screams coming from the other room or even the rare child ON you while you attempt to unload your bowels. 

 

I'm talking public restrooms here. Specifically at work.  Where you can't just walk in and drop a deuce at any moment.  There may be others in there, and you don't want to have to sit across from them in a meeting later thinking "was it stinky?"  "Did I fart the toilet-bowl-echo-fart?"  "Did they recognize my shoes?!?"

 

FYI, this is from the female perspective, but dudes can read, too, I guess. It is a fact that women actually do poop. Everyone poops. There's a book about it. 

 

So here goes.  I give you:  The MommaKiss Guide to Going #2 at Work. 

 

These are for you – oh sad woman with the little poop nugget about to fall out…

 

1 - Try to wait until the very last moment to do your business.  You feel a gut rumble? Sit at your desk for another 5 minutes.  Maybe 10.  This way you can find an empty bathroom, get in and do your business and get out.  As quickly as possible.  Of course, if you don't find an empty one right away, you may be doing the Storm Trooper walk to the next closest restroom – but here's hoping you're lucky on the first try.

 

2 – Once seated, almost done, you realize someone walks in.  You're sure you can't just pinch it off (you tried) and you need a little more time.  Allow the courtesy flush.  The one that will rid the existing evidence and also – it's muffled – the person coming in should understand that you're claiming the territory.  If they're wise, they'll come back later. 

 

3 – If they are clueless or just plain don't give a shit, well, then, it's a waiting game. You may sit there tapping your feet. You may remain silent. You may roll off some paper, blow your nose. You're waiting for her to flush, you see.  Because as soon as she flushes, there's noise. You can plop away and you're done. If you're like me? You wait for her to wash her hands and leave before you emerge.  Knowing full well, she's probably seen your shoes – but at least there's no immediate eye contact. 

 

 

 

A few words for the other party here? The one who walks in on someone already sitting and has gone silent? 

 

Unless you're seriously going to die if the turd doesn't come out this very second – turn around. Maybe wash your hands if you want to "look" like you needed to enter the restroom…but do it quick.  Your fellow ladyfriend behind the stall door with the shy bumhole will thank you.

 

She may even buy you a fiber one bar.  

 

Don't you love my MommaKiss lists? I'm totally available if you need more advice. Holla!! 



*FYI, I do not advise googling the word sphincter for synonyms. There are none. But there ARE graphics. Shudder. My fucking EYES!


67 Comments:

Blogger Miel et Lait said...

This post is wickedly brilliant!

4/28/11, 1:38 PM  
Blogger Kelley said...

This cracked me up! I love how you tell it like it REALLY is. This post reminded me of the time when my husband did his business in Seattle at that outdoor market. I can't remember the name... Anyway, a man walked in where my husband was sitting in his half-stall and yelled "COURTESY FLUSH!!" to him. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!! I laughed so hard about that for days. Still laughing, actually.

4/28/11, 1:39 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

FIRST FTW!

OMG! How have I lived this long with your words of wisdom!

I guess I should remember to look for you shoes and pray I don't see them if ever I need you to "spare a square."

4/28/11, 1:39 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

DAMN late.

4/28/11, 1:39 PM  
Anonymous tracy said...

OMG laughing so hard. I could never let my husband know that I poop though.

4/28/11, 1:46 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

I don't understand it. All people poop. Why is it such a big deal?

Just do your business and be done.

4/28/11, 1:47 PM  
Blogger McKenzie said...

You crack me up! I just get in, get out. Hoping that either the bathroom is super full so no one knows who did it or hope its empty haha.

4/28/11, 1:53 PM  
Blogger By Word of Mouth Musings said...

Public restrooms aarrgh ...
I have gone a weekend away without going.
Its get quite dire!
men just don't give a sh ... oh wait, they do.
In fact, they can probably just give one on command!

4/28/11, 2:20 PM  
Blogger Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli said...

I am usually the one racing to the toilet in a panic and rarely even notice if someone else is there. Apologies all around.

4/28/11, 2:22 PM  
Blogger Roxanne said...

You freaking crack me up.

I can poop when there are other people in the bathroom, but then I will sit there until they have left. I don't like people looking at me when I'm leaving a stall, even after peeing. I'm not ashamed...it's just a weird little quirk I guess.

4/28/11, 2:25 PM  
Blogger MrsJenB said...

YES! Yes, yes and yes. I live by these rules. Seriously, from beginning to end I subscribe to this and practice it religiously. I've gone so far as to walk straight through the ladies room if someone is in there and, for example, getting ready for/coming out of the shower (oh, yeah, there's a shower in there too, we have a gym but no shower in the locker room...great idea)and just keep on going through the opposite door. I am also the courtesy flush sneak attack queen.

I know that everyone does it. But not everyone has to hear it or smell it while it's being done.

4/28/11, 2:26 PM  
Blogger Cold As Heaven said...

Damn, I couldn't stop my self from Googling that word, when you mentioned it >:D

Cold As Heaven

4/28/11, 2:45 PM  
Blogger Boobies said...

LMFAO!!! I love you!

I will go out of my way to avoid public restrooms...of course shit happens..literally.

I always flush multiple times...and cough a lot to disguise offensive sounds.

Then when I come out I look all offended like someone else must've been the guilty party.

These are great tips to live by!

4/28/11, 2:54 PM  
Anonymous Mo diggity said...

This? This is why I stopped working. I can't handle the pressure.

4/28/11, 3:40 PM  
Blogger Joshua said...

Hi, first time reader, first time commenter. And yes, my email is visible when I comment. So there.

From the guy's perspective, some of us are shy shitters, too.

First, I wait to go until I get to work, that way I get paid for it. Second, I realized recently that if someone opens the door, I immediately cough; apparently it's an innate warning system. Third, always, always, always wait to emerge; I wonder if it's easier for guys since we all, pretty much, wear the same damn shoes?

Enough potty mouth.

Also, JenJen wanted me to say, "please comment that I can't comment from work, but that I choked on my kettle corn and possibly spit on my keyboard." (You're welcome, JenJen).

4/28/11, 3:53 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

There are pictures? Oh my....don't need to see that.

Here at the school I work with we have three one-holers. And at recess, teachers are lined up three deep just waiting to go.

And even the air freshener makes a noise, so there's no getting around it!

Great advice as always...

4/28/11, 4:44 PM  
Blogger Just Another Mom of 2 said...

HAH! This is hysterical. Granted, it might be better if I wasn't eating lunch, but what can you do?

I'm suddenly very grateful that I work from home.

4/28/11, 4:47 PM  
Blogger Cheryl said...

WFW!!!

In college there was a single bathroom off the study area of my dorm. If i could get in there - nirvana!

Also, I thought I was the only one who knew about the waiting-for-the-flush-to-unleash maneuver. I knew I shoulda trademarked it!

4/28/11, 4:53 PM  
Blogger jennie w. said...

And if you go to a public bathroom with lots of empty stalls, DO NOT sit in a stall next to someone else! Talk about stage fright!

4/28/11, 6:48 PM  
Blogger tulpen said...

This is fucking awesome.

I'm lucky to work at a stinky nursing home where the smell of feces abounds.

I can have stinky gas, and as long as I let it fly next to a resident, they get the blame.

And for going #2 at work?

Fellow nurses and CNA's will want details.

We have boundary issues.

4/28/11, 7:10 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Part of me really likes the older women who just don't care anymore, so they go in the bathroom and fart up a storm, poop noisily and with gusto and then walk out of their stall looking really proud of themselves.

These women are free.

And clearly, they take fiber supplements.

4/28/11, 7:21 PM  
Blogger Kmama said...

I am laughing so hard. Only because I am in this situation daily. Yes, I just said daily. I started on some medication that makes whatever I eat for lunch forcefully and urgently leave my body in a way that no one should ever have to deal with at work. It sucks. My doctor says that my body will get used to it, but after almost a month, I don't believe him anymore. Dammit.

4/28/11, 8:29 PM  
Blogger Annabelle said...

LOVE this. It's perfect. It's so perfect I want to link it to all the females in my office. This is required reading!

I live and die by these rules and if everyone else did, the world would be a better place.

4/28/11, 9:04 PM  
Blogger KatieSue said...

This is brilliant!...There should be a list like this given to you with your employee handbook when starting a new job...Just so everyone's in the loop...lol

4/28/11, 9:07 PM  
Blogger Red Shoes said...

I'm a guy... and when I was a kid, I guess my Mom raised me to be a courteous pooper... So no echoing bowl farts here... nothing that sounds like a dump truck load of dung being dumped into a watery land fill.

And the sound effects that some... er, most men leave!!! LMAO!!!!

But the most disgusting to me... the number of men who do their job.. and then do NOT wash their hands!!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~shoes~

4/29/11, 12:07 AM  
Blogger The Blue Zoo said...

lmao! Oh, I am ever so happy I dont work!

4/29/11, 3:02 AM  
Blogger Hello! I'm Kate. said...

ahahahahahahaha!

At my old job they had 2 private restrooms & then a public one. I could NEVER understand why the other coworkers used the public one when they could have used their very own, freshly scented bathroom! Crazy people!

4/29/11, 9:19 AM  
Blogger Ms.Wasteland said...

I try to avoid communal bathrooms at all costs. It's one of the reasons I refused to live in the dorms during college.

4/29/11, 11:04 AM  
Blogger Ms.Wasteland said...

PS Hilarious post!

4/29/11, 11:04 AM  
Blogger The Empress said...

mommakiss:

we are too much alike.

4/29/11, 11:52 AM  
Blogger Suniverse said...

I never have this problem, because I have the opposite of the shy pooper.

Which has its own issues.

But thanks for the info!

4/29/11, 12:14 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Did I fart the toilet-bowl-echo fart?

The. best.

I'm dying here. And also hungry for a Fiber One bar.

(I know. It's hard to imagine anyone wanting to eat after reading this post but I am all kinds of wrong.)

4/29/11, 1:21 PM  
Blogger Joshua said...

This seems like a good a place as any, given the topic, to full on display my embarrassing moment of the day: I just sat on a piece of milk chocolate. In khaki pants. It looks like I shit my pants. On top of everything else today has wrought, this is a minor thing.

4/29/11, 1:23 PM  
Blogger dosweatthesmallstuff said...

The woe that is public bathroom! My experiences with it had always been pretty bad. My shy bowel always chose those times to retain some inside despite my efforts to let it go. And it's dang annoying when you know you still got some inside and yet you can't get it out.

Oh, and before you let go of that motherload, better make sure there's plenty of tissue paper. You dun want to have to deal with the mess later (eeeek)

4/29/11, 1:53 PM  
Blogger PeaceLoveApplesauce said...

bhahahahaha....... LMFAO!! This post!!! I die!!

4/29/11, 4:44 PM  
Anonymous ChickensConsigliere said...

I agree with Miel et lait. Brilliant. Someone needed to write about this...not sure anyone could have done it with your finesse. The next time this happens to me, I will think of you and feel a lot less conspicuous.

4/29/11, 8:53 PM  
Anonymous Not Winning Mom of the Year said...

Thanks, I think... LMAO

4/29/11, 10:11 PM  
Blogger Symdaddy said...

Dear Madam Kiss,

I would like to book you for one of my parties.

I would be grateful if you could arrange your 'deposits' to occur between the hours of Midnight and 1am.

Feel free to where a mask if you wish to avoid identification, but I would ask you not to hold back on the 'blarting' and 'squeaky-ass' accompaniment, and also to refrain from locking or even closing the 'dump-room' door.

Extractor fans (blowing into the main party area) will be in place for maximum effect.

Remember ... your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to clear my house of guests and hangers-on BEFORE 1am so that I can get a decent (if the stink has gone) night's sleep for once.

Payment will be made (as usual) in baked beans!

Yours expectantly

The Daddy of the Sym

4/30/11, 3:43 AM  
Anonymous Ameena said...

Oh my God! You never cease to crack me up. I love this!

At a previous company I worked at (which shall rename nameless) I used to go to a different bathroom on a different floor, at a time when I knew that no productions were taking place. Talk about precautions!!

4/30/11, 11:04 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Tuna said...

How about the ones that DON'T wash their hands, are you identifying their shoes? Are you?

4/30/11, 7:53 PM  
Blogger Bethany @ Organic Enchilada said...

I always refer to that first tip as "Waiting for the fruit to ripen so it will just fall from the tree."
and frankly, it surprises me that when someone barges in on your dump time you don't just call out, "Enter at your own risk - I'm giving birth to last night's meatloaf!"

4/30/11, 9:10 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

I do love MommaKiss lists! :)

4/30/11, 10:10 PM  
Blogger Lisa said...

You are very funny! I was laughing so hard my husband asked me what I was reading.
I am a teacher and the school I work at has the staff washrooms (they are singles) in the photocopy/mailbox room. It is so freakin awkward.

4/30/11, 10:36 PM  
Blogger Booyah's Momma said...

This right here is classic Momma Kiss. And part of why I like you so much.

I may just print this out and tape it to the bathroom stall at work. Just for shits and giggles.

5/1/11, 12:44 AM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

I won't lie, I'm a shy pooper too. When we go on vacation I won't poop the entire time. I know. It's sick.
I'm on meds.

5/1/11, 10:05 AM  
Blogger hotpants™ said...

Working in a pretty large office with only one bathroom on the floor, I totally get this. Hahaha!

5/1/11, 12:32 PM  
Blogger JeanHasBeenShopping said...

Busting out laughing at the Storm Trooper walk! ROFL!!!

5/1/11, 4:33 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

omg.

i think i love you. i seriously have been thinking all these years that i'm the only woman who poops. or that i'm the only one who has issues/quirks about it. I wonder if it will last forever? thankfully i do not work outside the home, but i did before i had kids, and there are obviously other times that I had, um, er, emergencies.

THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS!!!

I wonder if I'll always have poop issues? I mean, I'm almost 35 for God's sake. I also don't talk about poop with my friends. Is that normal?

5/2/11, 10:34 AM  
Blogger Alison@Mama Wants This said...

OMG I love this. I am usually the one walking in on people doing the pooping and I cannot get out fast enough. One time I was already in a cubicle finishing up my business when I heard someone walk in next door, and almost immediately, went. There were 'plop's an moans of satisfaction. I was traumatized.

THIS LIST NEEDS TO GO TO EVERY OFFICE IN THE WORLD. If only to spare sensitive types like me.

5/2/11, 10:43 AM  
Blogger Mommy Needs a Vacation said...

You fucking crack me up! Love the lists.

5/2/11, 11:44 AM  
Anonymous Mommy Nani Booboo said...

Yes. True. All true and important info.
I hate waiting for the other person to flush so I can let it drop.
I have a soft spot in my heart for poop posts... so, thank you!

5/2/11, 11:56 AM  
Blogger Liz said...

This post is so damn funny! It reads like something a GUY would post. And your storms trooper line? DEAD.ON.

Boom.

5/2/11, 12:01 PM  
Blogger Momma Ski said...

I cannot stop laughing....girl, you crack me up.

5/2/11, 1:41 PM  
Blogger Nichole said...

Oh my. You have no idea just how much I needed this laugh today!
I bow to you. ;) Bow...not bowel. Just sayin'.

5/2/11, 3:35 PM  
Blogger Truthful Mommy said...

bwahahaha!Only you can make taking a shit at work...funny!OMFG! I have learned a lot here my friend!Thanks for sharing your wisdom.LOL

5/2/11, 5:27 PM  
Blogger Tarja said...

'drop a deuce' - HA! One of your best, MommaKiss. I bow down to your shitty knowledge. Going poop at work sucks so bad.

5/2/11, 6:39 PM  
Blogger Mommy Shorts said...

WOW. How happy am I that I chose this day to come visit? Unless, you're dropping a deuce at the moment. In which case, I will wash my hands and walk out.

Peace.

5/2/11, 10:41 PM  
Anonymous Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...

If you even attempt to shit in the toilet while I'm in the adjoining room, I'm going to jam a bunch of Immodium down your throat.

I have more hangups than a closet about this stuff. I'm not sure - in the span of my 10 year career - if I ever crapped there.

5/2/11, 11:25 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

That was fucking funny! But I just have to say: I do not poop. So there. Wish I did though.

5/2/11, 11:38 PM  
Anonymous Laura {A(n) (un)Common Family} said...

LOVE. I have public bathroom issues. Seriously, LOVE. I'm still laughing, even after scrolling to the bottom of all 59 comments to leave mine. :)

5/3/11, 1:27 AM  
Blogger Erin said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!!! So true. So real. So well written.

I love it! and the truth is that the "Work Restroom" is WAY worse than the "General Public Restroom" - in public you will likely never see them or thier shoes again - but in Work restroom...you will ALWAYS KNOW..

Thank you so much for this mid-day, MUCH NEEDED laugh!!!

5/3/11, 1:46 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

I have one more rule you should consider adding:

Never use the stall next to another person, unless it's unavoidable.

But this list is great, and I live by it. I'm also grateful to work in a very large building and share a restroom with another group who I do not know.

5/3/11, 2:58 PM  
Blogger Mommy Lisa said...

This is difficult in an office of 7 women with ONE bathroom amongst us...the FOUR guys get the other one.

5/3/11, 3:09 PM  
Blogger Moooooog35 said...

WOMEN POOP?!?!

5/4/11, 10:24 AM  
Blogger Nicole said...

Man, I had a great comment about the blogger hall of fame and you being in the Hall of Sharts for this post. Never as good in the lost comment recap.

So, yeah, great post!

5/4/11, 3:32 PM  
Blogger Mo 'Betta said...

hahahahaha, you are so wise. I have a shy bladder and sphincter, so I guess it's just another good reason why I should remain a "stay-at-home-mom". I wonder if my husband will buy it.

5/9/11, 10:09 PM  
Blogger Laura Greene said...

I'm one of those poor suckers that is completely bladder/sphincter shy. No public restrooms with stalls. If it is a one person bathroom I can usually go as long as a friend guards the door and I plug my ears and close my eyes and think of my bathroom at home. It makes life really freaking difficult sometimes.

5/10/11, 3:23 AM  

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