Who's gotta go #2?

I took the elevator down to the first floor.  Far away from any of my co-workers.  I hustled in, and immediately thanked the Porcelain Gods that the bathroom was empty.  I was about to have a colon blow of epic proportions.  I sit down…attempt to complete my mission and the door opens.  Ok. It's ok. Maybe they'll be quick. Maybe they'll see me and just turn around.  I have a shy sphincter (I know I'm not alone in this.  Solidarity).  Luckily, this person realized they had walked into a war zone and left immediately. 

 

I was able to finish in peace, and in thinking about how thankful I was for that alone time…I decided to share a little wisdom.  Of the bathroom etiquette variety. 

 

And no, I'm not talking about when you have to go at home – where you may have toddler fingers trying to crawl under the door, screams coming from the other room or even the rare child ON you while you attempt to unload your bowels. 

 

I'm talking public restrooms here. Specifically at work.  Where you can't just walk in and drop a deuce at any moment.  There may be others in there, and you don't want to have to sit across from them in a meeting later thinking "was it stinky?"  "Did I fart the toilet-bowl-echo-fart?"  "Did they recognize my shoes?!?"

 

FYI, this is from the female perspective, but dudes can read, too, I guess. It is a fact that women actually do poop. Everyone poops. There's a book about it. 

 

So here goes.  I give you:  The MommaKiss Guide to Going #2 at Work. 

 

These are for you – oh sad woman with the little poop nugget about to fall out…

 

1 - Try to wait until the very last moment to do your business.  You feel a gut rumble? Sit at your desk for another 5 minutes.  Maybe 10.  This way you can find an empty bathroom, get in and do your business and get out.  As quickly as possible.  Of course, if you don't find an empty one right away, you may be doing the Storm Trooper walk to the next closest restroom – but here's hoping you're lucky on the first try.

 

2 – Once seated, almost done, you realize someone walks in.  You're sure you can't just pinch it off (you tried) and you need a little more time.  Allow the courtesy flush.  The one that will rid the existing evidence and also – it's muffled – the person coming in should understand that you're claiming the territory.  If they're wise, they'll come back later. 

 

3 – If they are clueless or just plain don't give a shit, well, then, it's a waiting game. You may sit there tapping your feet. You may remain silent. You may roll off some paper, blow your nose. You're waiting for her to flush, you see.  Because as soon as she flushes, there's noise. You can plop away and you're done. If you're like me? You wait for her to wash her hands and leave before you emerge.  Knowing full well, she's probably seen your shoes – but at least there's no immediate eye contact. 

 

 

 

A few words for the other party here? The one who walks in on someone already sitting and has gone silent? 

 

Unless you're seriously going to die if the turd doesn't come out this very second – turn around. Maybe wash your hands if you want to "look" like you needed to enter the restroom…but do it quick.  Your fellow ladyfriend behind the stall door with the shy bumhole will thank you.

 

She may even buy you a fiber one bar.  

 

Don't you love my MommaKiss lists? I'm totally available if you need more advice. Holla!! 

*FYI, I do not advise googling the word sphincter for synonyms. There are none. But there ARE graphics. Shudder. My fucking EYES!