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M*A*S*H called, they want Hot Lips back. TAKE HER!

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Momma Kiss: M*A*S*H called, they want Hot Lips back. TAKE HER!

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Friday, April 15, 2011

M*A*S*H called, they want Hot Lips back. TAKE HER!

HOLY SNARKLEFARTS.

I am finally on a computer, not just my phone. This past week? From heathens!!!

Monday, Mr. Kiss had back surgery. It's a microdiskotomy or something, but basically he had a broken disk and the surgeon went in to remove the broken piece that was pushing on his nerve, making him generally assholeish.

He's recovering well, very well. We had help from Monday to Wednesday, but as soon as I got home from work on Wednesday, the in-laws bolted. I don't blame them, really - we're all quite a handful. Plus my mother in law made dinner before she left. She's totally cool like that.

So Mr. Kiss is in bed, I'm getting the kids ready for bath time and the 3 year old hurls. I'm talking across the room hurling. This was 7pm on Wednesday. He was up every. 30. minutes. that night. Puking, dry heaving, shitting.

Like a college freshman who's punch was spiked.

Didn't stop on Thursday and it's worse today. There's asspiss involved. And wouldn't be complete without shuking, now would it?

Did I forget to remind you (a hundred times) of the 225lb man who is on bed rest with a huge hole in his back? Yah.

I couldn't go to work. Barely surviving here. Meals for the invalid, washing puke / shit blankets and towels and jammies, getting the 5 year old off to school.

My upstairs is like a fucking M*A*S*H Unit. It's not pretty.

You people love my family stories, don't you? I can't help it. I'm knee deep in shuke and felt like sharing.

Don't worry.

I've washed my hands.

OH - Remember the hands? With the fab manicure? It's lasted. Oh yes, I'm a haggard mess, but my nails look incredible. The color, by the way, is Sally Hanson "Grey Area." Not Slutty Mauve like Sara suggested. That would totally kick ASS as a nail polish color. You should contact OPI, girl.

ANYway. I better get my ass back to taking care of shit.

Literally.

p.s. my team-mate Poppy who writes FunnyOrSnot could use a lil help in fundraising for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure. Click that lil box right over there ------> $5 bucks. Give up your latte for the day. Or speed. Whatever.

Make me happy. I deserve it.

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44 Comments:

Blogger Booyah's Momma said...

Oh my gosh... you sound like you need a serious break, lady. Shuke is no fun. I hope you don't get whatever it is.

Hang in there.

4/15/11, 4:03 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

I laugh. & not at you, but with you of course :)

4/15/11, 4:10 PM  
Blogger ☾ Ash ♡ said...

Duuuuuuuuude Damn =/

Glad Mr.Kiss isn't sittypantsing and healing very well.
Sorry the lil'Kiss is down with the schudarockmina (which is a word my grandma used.. I have no idea what language is it or if it’s even a real word, lol).

Hope that kid feels better soon... then you can hand the reigns over to Mr. K and get a break... hopefully.

4/15/11, 4:24 PM  
Blogger Ms.Wasteland said...

Sorry you're dealing with all this right now. Glad Mr. Kiss is on the mend. Hopefully the little one will be better very soon.

4/15/11, 4:53 PM  
Blogger Mommy Lisa said...

I have heard asspiss -but shuking is new to me. stealing it!

Hope all gets better soon at the MASH.

4/15/11, 5:19 PM  
Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

Ack!! My little one has the same grossness!!! It is all over! My hubby wasn't laid up, but was out of town- he misses all the fun stuff. She is on her 4th day of it. I tried to take her to school today, but five saltines, some diarreha, and a vomit and she was giving her walking papers. She had only been there an hour and a half!
Thinking happy thoughts for you...

4/15/11, 5:21 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

You know I'd bring you food if I lived down the street...one less thin you'd have to worry about. Hope he gets better soon cuz ain't nothing worse than a sick man!

xoxoxo

4/15/11, 6:03 PM  
Blogger The Suburban Princess said...

Man, A sick husband and a sick kid? That's rough.

Hope things get better soon.

In the meantime, grab a drink. Or five.

4/15/11, 6:06 PM  
Blogger Annabelle said...

Sweet cheeses n rice...that's griffin awful!

Bless your kissy little heart.

4/15/11, 7:38 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

What a freaking week Mama Kiss. Hope it calms down soon.

4/15/11, 8:31 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

I totally see you as a Hawkeye.
And thank you for once again, expanding my vocabulary.
I'll be praying for health and relief!

4/15/11, 9:52 PM  
Blogger Catch the Kids said...

You've given birth to a new word for me. "Shuking". Love it. The images it evokes...

Hope your household begins to recover soon and moreover that no-one else comes down with the shuking thing.

4/15/11, 10:19 PM  
Anonymous Not Winning Mom of the Year said...

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN, while you still can.

4/15/11, 10:29 PM  
Blogger Hello! I'm Kate. said...

I'm soooo sorry!

And I'm soooo sorry that I'm about to tell you that I laughed through this entire post! Don't throw things at me!

I was mostly laughing because I could just see that happening at my place!

Good luck with everything!

4/16/11, 12:09 AM  
Blogger The Blue Zoo said...

Oh, holy moly girl! You deserve a freakin medal!

My nephew had that sickness last week, Im just praying my boys dont get it!! Seriously - I dont deal with "shuke" very well.

4/16/11, 1:25 AM  
Anonymous Miel Abeille said...

I've been wondering how things went. Thanks for sharing the name of the polish, I was wondering about that almost as much as I was wondering about the surgery. Hope the little one is better soon!!

4/16/11, 4:45 AM  
Blogger John said...

That sounds absolutely horrible, Momma. But, thank you for introducing shuke to my vocabulary.

I'm still trying to come to grips with the fact that stomach bugs are going to become a regular part of my existence now. It used to be if I got something, or the wife got something, we just sequestered ourselves....now, we just use the kids to pass it back & forth.

4/16/11, 7:38 AM  
Blogger The Empress said...

Woman, there are few things in life that a black manicure won't cure.

I know. It's why I work.

Every 3 weeks, Su Hiung knows to save a chair for me.

4/16/11, 3:38 PM  
Anonymous Ameena said...

Just to give you an idea of how much I love your blog, I've sat here reading through your old posts and about page for the last 1 hour and I am in Paris of all places. So you definitely have a talent for honesty and I LOVE it.

PS - I am so with you on the word verification! IT drives me batty!

4/16/11, 4:48 PM  
Blogger Evonne said...

Talk about a crappy week. Having a sick husband only makes this worse! I hope you come out alive.

4/16/11, 7:43 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

OMG. Send the shitty sheets and blankets UPS to the in-laws with an over the top thank you note. Then wash those hands and have a martini. Love the new vocabulary!

4/16/11, 11:44 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Nobody conveys all the ways in which sickness sucks quite like you do. Asspiss will be forever in my vocab from now on.
I hope you are cleaned out the shit from under your fingernails and are getting some sleep by now.

4/17/11, 2:01 AM  
Blogger Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli said...

Shuke, yuck. Courage friend and I am totally going to wear my pink bracelets with pride.

4/17/11, 10:25 AM  
Blogger Boobies said...

You pissed the gods off in a past life...that's all I can think of. ;)

I kid, I kid....Sorry your mani took a hit..that's a travesty in itself...but the vomit sesh...I couldn't have coped with. Would it have been rude to ask the mister to get up and clean it?

Hope this week is much better lovey!

4/17/11, 12:57 PM  
Anonymous Yuliya said...

This is wrong Mama, so wrong! The universe owes your a spa day or at least a beer. Hang in there.

4/17/11, 4:26 PM  
Blogger kim said...

asspiss and shuke. I learn something new every.single.time I visit you. I'm going to be a fraking genius by the end of the week!! Here's hoping the rest of you stay germ free, you get to rest and Mr. Kiss is a fast healer. :) Oh, and did I thank you for the cuck a sock comment? B/c I seriously LOVED it. NEEDED it.

4/17/11, 10:33 PM  
Blogger MrsJenB said...

Awww that's a shame - poor you! At least you have fabulous nails to look at. Hoping things get better - SOON!

4/18/11, 11:28 AM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

That kid has timing. Thanks for introducing me to the term: shuke. I shall struggle to forget that one.

4/18/11, 8:43 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

I have never heard of shuke, but i'm still laughing over asspiss. craig will love that term.

you should scoop up sara for yourself. that marketing genius is going straight to the big time!

4/18/11, 9:44 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

I hope this week is better for you!

It really has to be!

4/18/11, 10:51 PM  
Blogger Saucy B said...

holy shit girl - literally! I hope everyone in your house feels better soon and that you evade whatever plague has got your little guy in such a bad way.

4/19/11, 7:13 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Holy shit sauce...just got back from camping for three days and all I can think about is shuking with no indoor plumbing.

I am so sorry.

Hopefully, since I'm late to this comment stream, everyone is feeling better (and the flu didn't make the rounds of the house).

Also hope Mr. Microdiskectomy is feeling better. My husband is in surgical sales and watches those all day every day. He says it hurts like hell to recuperate.

But I think I'd rather recup from back surgery than wash shit-sheets repeatedly.

Oh my. (don't tell him I said that.)

4/19/11, 10:19 AM  
Blogger Julie said...

Forgot to ask -

Do you and/or Poppy still need donations for the 3-day?

4/19/11, 10:20 AM  
Blogger Suniverse said...

Oh, fucking hell. What a miserable week.

I can't even think of anything hopeful to say.

That just blows.

4/19/11, 1:34 PM  
Blogger Tina @ Life Without Pink said...

OMG girl I feel for you! Hope everyone is feeling better and you are staying sane :)

4/19/11, 8:07 PM  
Blogger The Zany Housewife said...

Snarklefarts indeed!

Damn woman, you need a break. I hope everything calms down at the Kiss Casa.

4/19/11, 10:53 PM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

And this is why mom's should get worker's comp.

You're in my thoughts. My now somewhat disgusting thoughts.

4/20/11, 9:14 AM  
Blogger Tenetia said...

girl, you deserve a vacation! go lock yourself in the bathroom with a couple martinis...don't forget to bring the vodka bottle with you!

4/22/11, 9:37 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

OMG! How are you standing? My heart goes out to you. I bet work is going to seem like a vacation. Hang in there girlie!

4/22/11, 10:09 PM  
Blogger Mommy Shorts said...

The Universe times these things so that one person (mom) is always royally screwed. I hope everyone gets better soon. Including Mr. Kiss. Then you can leave him with the kids while you get another manicure.

4/22/11, 10:43 PM  
Anonymous Jean Has Been Shopping said...

OH man! I hope some amazing recoveries are going on right now!

4/23/11, 11:37 AM  
Blogger hotpants™ said...

We had the same virus a couple of weeks ago. I feel your pain. It was the worst thing ever. I hope everyone is well now including your husband so you can get some help around there.

4/23/11, 5:43 PM  
Anonymous Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...

Ohhh, MK, how'd I miss all this happening? I knew about the back surgery because I offered to trade you husbands, but then I Indian Giver-ed him right back because I hate sick husbands, but I did not know you had the sick baby. So sorry.

But if you even attempt a shuke in our room, I'm gonna kick your ass out.

4/23/11, 11:52 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Gray Area??

Horse shit.

At the very least, it should be called Hooker Shadows or Dusty Ho.

Gray Area my ass...

4/27/11, 9:00 AM  

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