The tale of the Ape

This morning I got the boyz up, set them up with their "cereal & milk" and went back upstairs to shower. When I was getting dressed, I realized they were being extra extra good.

Let me preface this by saying my kids? Do not typically get all Dr. Destructo when unsupervised. They may punch each other or chuck puzzle pieces about, but they've never used sharpie on the couch or cut anyone's hair. As a mom, though? When it's too quiet? You know something's up.

So I went to investigate.

All I found was the boys in the bathroom laughing - but nothing clearly amiss. Fine. Move along with the morning.

I dropped them off, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to work I go.

So I get to work and when I pulled my phone out of my purse, I bumped the camera button and found a picture.

I almost fell over, literally. I was crossing my legs so as not to piss my pants.

I tweeted this - Knowing I'd have to blog this shit later. You know. When I had access to blogger. Fucking firewalls.


Alas, here's the pictures I found on my phone.

George Costanza anyone?



Head gear. For the ape.



oooh, look at those pink polka dots. how pretty are they?



lemme just check this out, just a bit closer, oooof, i fell over.




People? The polka dots? It's my freakin' undies!

My children decided that taking pictures of a stuffed ape in my polka dot unmentionables was fun for them.

I don't even know what to say.

Um...

...skuze me while I scream a minute:

TODAY IS THE LAST FARKING DAY OF JANUARY!

That is all.

WW. What Is It??

Loveable Louise

This is an e-mail forward from A, and it's too good not to share.

Everyone has a good holiday story, and this one? Made me laugh so hard I cried. Literally cried.

Enjoy and here's hoping that you all have a laugh your ass off "Louise" moment this holiday season.

*********************

 

As you contemplate the coming holidays with your relatives, I thought you might get a chuckle from this tale of an unforgettable Christmas dinner. This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

 

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

 

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas Dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

 

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

 

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

 

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

 

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

 

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.  Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

 

Mega Monday Update. Oof.

Holy Balls, I feel like November just flew by. All of 2010 actually.

Just here to share some thingies.

The Friday after Thanksgiving, we decided to start a new tradition with the boys. Indoor Water Park. Yes, this is a tad insane - considering I had consumed approximately 23948729 calories the day before. I'll just say I had Nothing to worry about - I was lookin' good. And sportin' the pigs, obvs.



The boys totally loved it and slept really well after - Win!


Lookie here! I got a few gifts:

I was lucky enough to be asked to take part in a Mug Swap for the holidays. The lovely and charming KLZ at Taming Insanity drew my name - stoked! My hot mug has her blog button and says "Battling Beavers since 2010," Beavers are funny.


While we're at it, she's in this contest to go to the Blissdom conference. Help a sista out and vote. Please?? Just do that shit. Send KLZ to Blissdom!

I also got a Mug O' Boobs from that Mad Woman. Not for the swap, just cuz she loves me and knows I like boobs. Boobs. Say it. It feels good.




I sent a mug to The Truth about Motherhood. Poor thing, I wasn't as creative as these ladies. She has a white mug with the back of my head on it. Because who wouldn't want to have coffee out of that?

Moving right along, Liz at a belle a bean and a chicago dog honored me with the Chicago Dog award. She wrote the funniest post about how she thinks of certain bloggers as buddies. My buddy? Kimberly who blogs here. She's hilare, and really does 'talk' like me.

Little does Kimberly know, I already ate the best part of the dog...



Ok. Tired yet? Sorry, and fyi? I'm actually awake right now. Yes. At almost 2am on Monday morning.

But don't go yet! There's MORE!

I was able to take part in Gigi's "Thanksgiving Table" and I'm pretty sure my day is today. Or tomorrow. Monday. I think. Anyway, go read, please? It's a MK memory of a childhood Thanksgiving.

Last, but definitely not least, my girl A? She had her first dose of chemo on November 18th. She waited and waited to feel sick. Never came. She's taken to calling her cancer her "mess," and the next part of this mess is losing her hair. That hot shit is taking charge and she wants NO part of the hair 'clumping' out. So on Wednesday, she's going to shave her head. Just a few of us will be there, and if she needs me to, I'll be sitting next to her in the chair. A? Has a wig picked out and paid for. Me? Not so much. But I hear the halloween stores are having a wicked sale, so, you know, I'll figure something out. Thursday she'll have her next dose of chemo and continue fighting this mess.

Let's sum this up.

The only "shower" I had in a matter of 3+ days was at a water park, I have new coffee mugs, I'm so cool I don't need ketchup, I have a thanksgiving post up after thanksgiving and A is a fucking inspiration.

Any questions?

There are things...

There are things.

Things that need to be done. Like cleaning the spare room. And printing pictures, from 2009. And making the collages for the 2010 Christmas gifts. And exercise more. And dry cleaning to be picked up. And schedules to be managed, so that I can get to A's doc appointment tomorrow and skate with my hockey-loving 5 year old. And work-busy-time to be figured out. Things...

There are words.

Words that need to be said. By phone. By thank you note. By seeing a face. Words...

There are prayers.

Prayers for my girl A. Prayers for my momma. Prayers for a friend, who's co-worker almost died in a car accident. Prayers for a friend dealing with depression. Prayers.

So.

I've said the prayers. That's the easy part. Me & God, we're tight. But the rest. Well, here I sit, typing online. It's like I wake up and am thankful I'm alive for one more day and then it's bedtime and I'm thinking "where the hell did that day just go?"

Anyone? Can you motivate me? No?