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Momma Kiss: Loveable Louise

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Loveable Louise

This is an e-mail forward from A, and it's too good not to share.

Everyone has a good holiday story, and this one? Made me laugh so hard I cried. Literally cried.

Enjoy and here's hoping that you all have a laugh your ass off "Louise" moment this holiday season.
*********************
 

As you contemplate the coming holidays with your relatives, I thought you might get a chuckle from this tale of an unforgettable Christmas dinner. This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

 

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

 

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

 

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

 

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

 

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas Dinner.

 

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

 

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

 

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.  "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

 

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

 

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

 

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

 

My grandfather, a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

 

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

 

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

 

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health.  Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

 


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25 Comments:

Blogger Mama Sweet Pea said...

OMG, that is hilarious! I want to get one for my son but I'm afraid of what he would do with it!!

12/21/10, 12:09 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

HAHAHAH! Hilarious!!
In other related Christmas stories...I bought my husband a Playboy magazine and stuffed it in his stocking...I thought it was awesome since A.) I bought a dirty magazine and B.) I am the best wife ever...well, he thought it was awesome too and decided to tell everyone over Christmas dinner that one of Santa's naughty elves slipped him a magazine.
My mother in law and father in law were disgusted and everyone was shocked and I heard things like "why would you do something like that?"
Sigh, to say I was embarassed and pissed all at once is an understatement.
Needless to say, he's never gotten any more mags. Plus it's free online anyways.

12/21/10, 12:37 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

Thanks for the giggle. :)

12/21/10, 12:43 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Thank you so much for that laugh.

12/21/10, 12:51 PM  
Blogger The Sharp's said...

Oh my goodness! This just gave me one big contraction and heartburn! Thanks!

12/21/10, 12:58 PM  
Blogger diane rene said...

that was absolutely hilarious - I laughed so hard that I definitely see the need in sharing it ♥

12/21/10, 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Yuliya said...

Fantastic! Makes me wish I had siblings to pull pranks on!

12/21/10, 1:15 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Poppy needs to read this. this sounds like a typical christmas at her house.

12/21/10, 2:30 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

"why doesn't she have any teeth?" omg, laughing so hard!!!
fyi, linked you in my post today :)

12/21/10, 4:45 PM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

Louise, she can never stand to not be the center of attention - always deflating whenever people try and glance away.

12/21/10, 5:02 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Holy hell that is HILARIOUS!! Off to tweet it now...

12/21/10, 5:13 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

That is absolutely hilarious! Why doesn't she have any teeth? Total snort!

A bunch of my friends & I go on an annual camping/canoe trip every year. Last year, a few of them took a blow up sheep including a special hole covered by a flap. They tied her to the front of their canoe & she was the hit of the river.

12/21/10, 5:25 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Oh GAWD. Louise was a name we gave everyone, as a special gift. I may have to change that tradition if I want to keep my panties dry.

Fricking HILARIOUS!

12/21/10, 5:34 PM  
Blogger KLZ said...

Why doesn't she have any teeth mAde me snort

And an inflatable sheep? Really? I need to go check out my local adult store becUse I think I'm behind on what's out there

12/21/10, 9:47 PM  
Blogger Diane said...

Hi-Larious! I blew spit on my screen at "It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home". BwaHaHaHaa!

12/21/10, 9:57 PM  
Blogger tulpen said...

I can't believe I haven't read that before!

Hyfuckingsterical!!

12/21/10, 10:53 PM  
Blogger The Empress said...

Oh, that is so funny.

And perfectly written.

Hysterical.

Hows' mama?

12/21/10, 11:23 PM  
Blogger WhisperingWriter said...

Haha, hilarious!!

12/22/10, 1:37 AM  
Blogger DIAPERS in the DESERT said...

Tooo FUNNY!!! Sounds like Holidays with my brothers. Loved it!

12/22/10, 2:51 AM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Kids, this is why you should take the stockings down before lighting the fire place.

12/22/10, 8:52 AM  
Blogger Truthful Mommy said...

I am literally Crying because I am laughing so fucking hard!OMG< thank you and A for sharing this delightful tale of Lovable Louise.You've made my holiday season, honestly! Love it, you silly funny as hell, Christmas spirit spreading Scandahoovian!!!Merry Christmas!I hope you get it all,You deserve it,for this laugh alone!
P.S. I am still crying form laughing so hard!

12/22/10, 9:04 AM  
Blogger Organic Motherhood with Cool Whip said...

But why doesn't she have any teeth? OMG!!!!! I love this story. You totally just made my day.

12/22/10, 3:49 PM  
Blogger Kimber Leszczuk. said...

I had heard this one before but it still makes me laugh my butt off! TOO FUNNY!

12/28/10, 9:04 PM  
Blogger Frugal Vicki said...

Oh my God. That is too freaking much. I almost peed my pants, too rofl!

12/30/10, 12:47 PM  
Blogger Sara said...

Christmas at your house sounds like a hoot!

Poor Louise. Thank God somebody had the good sense to try and save her.

12/30/10, 6:39 PM  

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