Um...

...skuze me while I scream a minute:

TODAY IS THE LAST FARKING DAY OF JANUARY!

That is all.

These Dreams*

The thing about me is that I remember dreams. I don't think that is a good thing. I've read that if you remember dreams, you're not really getting restful sleep. Duh. I haven't had restful sleep in years. Anyway - some of them stuck out, and so I share. It's what I do.

I had a dream that I attended a blogger conference. I’m all “squee” and hugging people. The suite we’re assigned to is HUGE. Like Pimp Daddy Real World Style Huge. Pool tables, kitchens, WINE. One girl (who was not human but was her ‘cartoony blog person’ in my dream) met family the day before so I got to meet a stranger’s kids. At one point I left my laptop in the airport, but never fear! I was able to tweet to the girl coming on the next flight and she picked it right up for me. Then all the girls left me to do super cool things. And then? A co-worker of mine showed up. We jumped on huge beds and watched a movie on the big screen and had wine in our jammies. Her job? She’s the Head of Compliance. i.e.IT Security. i.e. NO blogs at work. Coinkidink? I’m thinking no.

I had a dream that I was offered and accepted this high falootin job. Where I was meant to wear suits every day and report to the CEO who was a woman. I remember in my dream I was wondering why on EARTH would they offer me this job, I can’t do any of this shit. My office was ungodly large, with a t.v. and a fridge and a conference table and a fancy-how-the-hell-do-i-work-it-phone. My first day, I was running late at home. The people around me included my own kids, my mother and my husband’s sister. The latter two live no where even remotely close to me. As I’m pacing and needing to leave, my sister in law says “I have to poop.” Not one of the kids. The 40 year old. And I was late to the first day of my new job.

I had a dream that I got lost in a house that's too big for it's own good. I was turning into hidden rooms and climbing one staircase but descending another. Ending up in an attic, and then being on top of a washing machine. Now that I think about it, this may actually be a nightmare.

I had a dream about clit suckers. I have no idea. Although, come to think of it, this may or may not stem from my own versions of “texts from last night” the day prior.


*hope that Heart song isn't on replay in your head because of the title. Really. Oh it is now? Whoopsie.

FFO 1.28.10 I forgot the LINK!

DAMMIT!

Last night I made the decision to go to bed at 8pm. I'm fighting some demons, people, and believe me when I tell you I was better off taking a vitamin and going to bed than staying awake to face them.

Funny thing is, they're still fucking HERE. Why didn't they go away while I slept a drool-infused-sleep?

So. Since I was off in la-la land, I didn't blog, I didn't schedule a post, I have no linky to share. I'm sorry. For that, I flip myself off.

If you're playing along today (is anyone playing along anymore?) - please go see the Mad Woman over at A Diary of Mad Woman. She's got my back!

WW 1-26 Dream or Reality?

17

17 seconds ago, I took a sip of coffee.

 

17 minutes ago, I listened to my work voice mail.

 

17 hours ago, I watched a football game with my family.

 

17 days ago, I was out having sushi with my 'hood mommas.

 

17 months ago, I was recovering from elective surgery

 

17 years ago, my little brother was killed in a car accident.

 

He was 17.

 

The date was January 17, 1994. 

 

I kind of hate the number 17. 

 

Carpe Diem, PTA. Save me a spot. 

FFO 1-21

Aren't you glad you got my "Things that don't suck" yesterday? I know. I can be shiny happy people sometimes.

Here's some things that DO suck. And I intend to flip them off - so that maybe? I can enjoy my weekend...I'm leaving the shit here, in words, so that I can move along, lil' doggie.

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Brand new contacts that go all hay-wire in my overtied eyes? Flip Off.

Back problems. Mr. Kiss, not me. He's had a bad back for ages. The dude is 6'4" and has been an athlete since he can remember. Sore, tight back. Well this past summer, he broke his ankle like a dumb ass, jumping into our pool. That caused him to stay off the left foot and while it was healing, he totally fucked up his gait. So this Fall, he was waking up with the worst pain ever. Like make a grown man cry pain. He had an MRI and was given 800's of ibuprofen and muscle relaxers (which do nothing for him, I get the leftovers!) MRI reading: Primary care says it's a bulging disk. More drugs. Neurosurgeon? Oh No. It's not just bulging. Nope. A piece of a disk has BROKEN off and is pressing on a nerve. Fucking AYE, no wonder he's been in pain. I really thought he's just been being a big baby. Treatment is a steroid shot, if that doesn't work, surgery. Awesome. Not. Fuck Off Potential Back Surgery.

Decisions that need to be made. I'm already running around my life like a two headed sesame street character. I don't need no more issues, for real! So flip off, crazy busy life.

My nails? For being so perfectly healthy that you grow too fast? Seriously fuck right off. I mean, it makes for a gorgeous Tall Mann salute, but it's expensive to update these nails every 2 weeks instead of 3.

Wasn't that lame? I mean...fun?

Join in, and link up. If you link a non-Friday Flip Off-link, I'm kicking your ass. You've been warned.

Things that Don't suck

And now, a list...

Things that Don't Suck:

62 degrees in January
Massage therapy
A not having an allergic reaction to Taxol
Friends who take your kids for an hour so you can see straight
Brothers belly laughing with, and AT, each other
Meatloaf
A being negative for her genetic testing [she's NOT a carrier of the gene]
Crave Cupcakes. For breakfast
Moms who are finally able to go back to work after almost a year after surgical procedures
Cards about poop that make me literally laugh out loud
Neurosurgeons.
Donations supporting me for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk
The word Fuck
Friends who understand you, love you and don't judge you. Even when you've been preoccupied and not necessarily in touch
4,000 square foot homes for $350k. Or less
Flexible, understanding bosses
The motherfucking Green Bay Packers

Friday WHA?

I'm thumbing this in.

Sorry kids, I couldn't get online for Friday Flip offs, even though I have some.

Yesterday I had the afternoon off to go to A's chemo appt with her. She's starting a new one. Toxil? And something went wrong on the scheduling end so she couldn't get it yesterday. I ended up having a sleepover with her and we're going back this morning. It's a 3 hour infusion and apparently a small % have a reaction (anaphylactic reaction) so she's wicked nervous. I have faith she'll be fine.

So we had dinner and hung out in jammies and laughed about the mowhawk that remains on the top of her otherwise bald head. It's hysterical, there's one strip that refused to fall out. I also told her she should put a temp tat on her head. To look all gangsta. She didn't approve.

On all other fronts I have a shitton going on. Potential Texas job things, kid stuff, my work schedule, a fight with a best friend, traveling and not sure how to explain it to the kids, sleeping with them because I have mom guilt that I don't see them enough.

Yah.

Just that.

Anyone want to send me a slap upside the head? Or a bag of chocolate? Anyone?

WW. What Is It??

I have a Uniform Problem

Oh, you know the uniform, right?

The one you’ll find me in whenever I’m NOT in work clothes or jammies?

The Velour Tracksuit.

a.k.a. The Hip Mom Uniform.




[that's not me, obvs, but isn’t she pretty?]

'Tis true, I’ve become one with my Uniform. Weekends, I’ll choose it over a pair of jeans.

Unless I’m going out, natch. Gotta bust a move in heels and my bootay huggin’ hipster jeans, right? Otherwise? The Uniform.

I have Uniforms in black, dark gray, brown, deep purple and green.

I know. Green. I have a lil story about the green…

Last year, I mean, the 2009 Christmas “last year,” I absolutely needed a new Uniform for a visit with my co-Uniform enjoyer BoBo. I chose Kelly green. You know, like for Christmas! I never ever intended to wear the pants and hoodie together, I swear. But I liked the color and the hoodie would be perfect w/ the black bottoms – the green bottoms perfect with a long sleeve top for lounging by the fire.

And for a year, this separation worked.

But.

This past Christmas, I was extra festive. Feeling the spirit! On Vacation! Having mimosas at 10am!

In the green Uniform. Both pieces. Together.

I looked like a friggin elf, and not in the pixie-cute-tiny way. Nope. In the “damn, she’s awfully GREEN and what the fuck GREEN” way.

Now now, don't worry about lil ole me. I don’t need an intervention. I’ve already retired the Green Uniform. Some lovely Goodwill shopper will be able to lounge in Kelly Green Comfort any day now…

I’ll pray for them.

FFO 1-07

Ahhhhhh, yes. It's Friday Flip Off time again. People. I took a couple of weeks off because, well you don't wanna go flipping shit off on the eve of Baby Jesus' birth. Unless you're agnostic. Or Jewish? I don't know. But then it was New Year's Eve, and well, Ahem....

Moving on.

So yes, Friday, time to flip stuff off, shake it off and let yourself enjoy your weekend.

Who's in?

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I'm not gonna lie, over the past month-ish, a lot of things totally pissed me off. I was sicker than a fucking dog. My girl A was beginning chemo. My kids were all up in my business more than you can imagine. My momma visited (YAY!) but then had to go (sadpanda). So. Much.

But I'm not gonna dwell on that crap.

I will tell you that A? Is kicking cancer's ASS. She had almost no reaction to the first 4 rounds of chemo. Her hair? Gone. But her wig? She lovingly refers to it as Nancy and it looks incredible. She's getting a lil more tired, and next week, she starts the second half of treatments. This? Is giving her anxiety. She did so well with the first part, she's nervous fate won't let her off as easy for the second part. I'm going with her to the treatment next week - which I'm hoping will be OK. Moral of this story? Again - cancer - Fuck You and the nasty gene you fucking rode in on. We're fighting and we're not going to stop.

Up next?

5.5 year olds AND 3.5 year olds who act like total babies with the whining and tantruming and early morning wake up calls.

Sweet baby jesus, my dear cherubs, you get this:



Don't mess with a tired MommaKiss, kids.

Got any flips to share? Link up!

And The Evil Santa Goes To.....

Remember when I said that Evil Santa has left the building ? And that it was coming to ONE OF YOU???

Well if you don’t remember and don’t want to click around, I said it. Just believe in me.

Seriously, the moment my in-laws left on Christmas day, that creepy dude was stuffed into a priority mail envelope and shipped off soon after…Guess where he went??

Can ya??

Check this picture:

Do you know who that is?? You know you know!

It’s Baby e of course! That’s right – Evil Santa has arrived in the land of The Empress.

But Wait, there’s MORE! That Evil Santa is continuing his world tour for 2011…when Baby e is done with him? Some other unsuspecting lovely will get him for 2012.

Where he goes is up to The Empress of course, but I pray he’s not sent to Poppy . That bitch will burn him.

It’s the bloggerhood of the traveling BondageSanta...

You’ve been warned.

Be good to him, Baby e. Be real good.

Crooked

My 3 year old has a crooked dinger.

How the hell do I know this?

Because the dude loves to run around naked, sit around naked, eat naked and watch cartoons naked.

During cartoons this evening, he was getting ready for his bath and was naked, natch.

He's never happy to just sit there, though. Boy mommas, you've probably been through this, yes? I mean, I also have a 5.5 year old and yes - I've been through it when he was around 3.

Whilst sitting there in all his glory watching Team Umi Zoomi, counting "5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" he's swatting at his junk. Flinging the dinger. Pushing it left and right.

I wasn't really paying attention - I mean - boys will be boys (youNEVERGROWOUTOFTHISDOYOU??) but then I heard him ask:

"Momma, why is my Prenis crooked?"

"Erm, Daddy??"

"Momma, is Your Prenis crooked?"

"Nope, Remember, Momma doesn't have a penis. DADDY!"

Mr. Kiss was in the hallway listening to the entire conversation and came in to try to answer when the 5 year old said "Hey, Look, Mine's crooked, too!"

At which point I had to leave to fold some laundry or scrub a toilet or something. What the hell? How the fuck am I supposed to just sit there and not laugh my ass off at my children asking questions and SHOWING me their crooked weenies?

Jaysus...

2011.

Here we go.




[p.s. people. i've been terribly absent. clearly i'm aware. but my momma was visiting from too far away and now she's gone and believe me when i say that i NEEDED this laugh tonight...i miss my momma and always get depressed after she leaves. always. i'll be around to say hi in time. or not. whatever :p]