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Momma Kiss: Crooked

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Sunday, January 2, 2011


My 3 year old has a crooked dinger.

How the hell do I know this?

Because the dude loves to run around naked, sit around naked, eat naked and watch cartoons naked.

During cartoons this evening, he was getting ready for his bath and was naked, natch.

He's never happy to just sit there, though. Boy mommas, you've probably been through this, yes? I mean, I also have a 5.5 year old and yes - I've been through it when he was around 3.

Whilst sitting there in all his glory watching Team Umi Zoomi, counting "5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" he's swatting at his junk. Flinging the dinger. Pushing it left and right.

I wasn't really paying attention - I mean - boys will be boys (youNEVERGROWOUTOFTHISDOYOU??) but then I heard him ask:

"Momma, why is my Prenis crooked?"

"Erm, Daddy??"

"Momma, is Your Prenis crooked?"

"Nope, Remember, Momma doesn't have a penis. DADDY!"

Mr. Kiss was in the hallway listening to the entire conversation and came in to try to answer when the 5 year old said "Hey, Look, Mine's crooked, too!"

At which point I had to leave to fold some laundry or scrub a toilet or something. What the hell? How the fuck am I supposed to just sit there and not laugh my ass off at my children asking questions and SHOWING me their crooked weenies?



Here we go.

[p.s. people. i've been terribly absent. clearly i'm aware. but my momma was visiting from too far away and now she's gone and believe me when i say that i NEEDED this laugh tonight...i miss my momma and always get depressed after she leaves. always. i'll be around to say hi in time. or not. whatever :p]

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Anonymous Mama P said...

Oh boys and thier weenies. My 2 year old discovered his about 4 months ago, and just loves to swat,tug, grab etc. He will actually strip down, just so he can access the goods.

eerily, it reminds me of his father. Hpmhh

1/2/11, 10:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always breathe a sigh of relief when I hear other moms say something about their little boys obsessions with their whackers. My 6 year old never leaves his alone. Boys. Oy.

1/2/11, 11:14 PM  
Blogger The Empress said...

Oh, all I see all dang day long is hands in the pants hands in the pants lookin like boys with hands in their pants...

Think of me...I got 4 I'm surrounded by.

They were born with their favorite toy.

1/2/11, 11:50 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...

No, you did the right thing: walk away and blog about it.
Now though, at some point in my life, I need to replace the word penis with dinger.
And FYI, I just read your little warning at the top of your blog about word verification making you not want to comment; I sort of need it. I was getting strange comments from people wanting to buy my rollling pin...seriously! So I'm touched you bothered to leave me a lil' somethin' somethin' anyway! You're my lover!

1/3/11, 12:18 AM  
Blogger The Zany Housewife said...

And I thought my daughter's obsession with stripping down and grabbing her ass and yelling "MOM! MY BUTT!" was bad.

Dinger. I'm going to have to remember that one. And crooked dinger? Feck. A new thing to call the warden, I mean husband.

I'm glad you got some time to spend with your momma!

1/3/11, 1:59 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

lmao! Luckily my boys dont sit around naked anymore. My 4 yr old will go sit in the bathroom to "fling his dinger"... LOL I cant wait to use dinger. That cracks me up!

1/3/11, 3:35 AM  
Blogger michelle said...

Too funny. As are all the awesome comments.

Did Mr. Kiss set them straight?

sorry, I couldn't help myself

1/3/11, 6:42 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

Being a momma of mostly boys, I am all too familiar with this. Also as a nurse, I see it all the time.

1/3/11, 8:19 AM  
Blogger The Sharp's said...

Oh my gosh, that is too funny! I was kind of waiting for Mr. Kiss to whip his out to for some explanation. I would have left the room as well. I get so freakin uncomfortable when they are trying to figure those things out.

1/3/11, 9:04 AM  
Blogger Diane said...

Bwa Ha! I feel your pain. I also have two boys who are obsessed with their weenies.

The picture totally cracked me up once I started reading. Priceless.

1/3/11, 9:32 AM  
Blogger Tracey - Just Another Mommy Blog said...

Awesome. I am so grateful that we are past the naked stage over here. SO GLAD. :)

1/3/11, 9:50 AM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Bwahahahahahaha!!! I have 4 boys! I hear ya loud and clear. THe junk is always being played with, investigated, referred to, scratched, maneuvered...whathaveyou. And they DO NOT grow out of it!!

1/3/11, 11:02 AM  
Blogger Shell said...

Okay, my dear, I'm literally crying now after reading this. Laughed so hard I cried.

1/3/11, 11:40 AM  
Blogger WTH am I Doing? said...

I'm with The Sharp's...I thought all of the dingers were coming out for discussion. LMAO

When my son was born? I knew he'd play with it. I don't really long as he's not playing with it outside the house. Gotta teach him young when it's appropriate to whip it out and when it's not. >.<

1/3/11, 11:43 AM  
Blogger The Drama Mama said...

BwaHAHAHha. Don't worry we have a lot of dinger play here too. Scooby strips, asks for tuckies, and its ding dong time. At least it's covered up, right?

1/3/11, 12:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha! Only girls at my house but I've heard from friends with boys that they are puzzled about mom's lack of penis.

1/3/11, 1:04 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

You had me at dinger! Hahahah!

1/3/11, 1:28 PM  
Blogger Life Without Pink said...

This made my day....cracking up!

1/3/11, 2:26 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

I have twin girls, so I can't relate to this except to say that even little girls have their own issues!

One evening one of my girls was lazing around after her bath naked. Her legs were spread wide and she was looking real close. "mommy!" she exclaimed, "There's a WORM in my vagina!"

1/3/11, 2:37 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Dude...yah...when they start comparing, you HAVE to leave the room!

1/3/11, 4:21 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

ohhh! Best ever!! My son never leaves his 'peanut' alone and my daughters are forever twiddling around down there. I feared it was just us . . . so glad to know we are normal?? And dinger?? My son already likes to tell me his peanut is big, which is just so great to hear, no?

1/3/11, 4:22 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Just looked over, and Tater is naked from the waist down. For no reason. Just watching TV and enjoying himself. What the hell is up with boys and always wanting to be naked??!

1/3/11, 4:38 PM  
Blogger KLZ said...

Children are the most hilarious

1/3/11, 5:49 PM  
Blogger Daffy said...

When I first read that I thought it said crooked finger....and then I was SO confused as to what that had to do with him running around naked. *sigh* I'm concered about my cognative abilities today lmao...I did finally catch that it said DINGER....and then I was sorta afraid to refresh the page because the picture didn't load for me the first time. *big grin*

1/3/11, 6:28 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

MOST AWESOME POST I'VE READ TODAY! *crossing fingers I'm having another girl, for her own good!*

Mad is a humper. Constantly humping, her booster chair, carseat, my LEG!

Naughty mommy taught her to call her bottom her boomboom last night. I deserve a prize.

But the crooked dinger, oh my. How do you NOT fall over laughing?

1/3/11, 6:36 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Oh god, just remembered son of friend: had a toy crocodile. Max liked to put his dinger in the toy's mouth.

Please make it stop!

1/3/11, 6:38 PM  
Anonymous Katie said...

I love this post soooo much. My 7 yr old son and I have had some interesting conversations about his 'peener' / 'peenie'. He NEVER asks his father these questions. Never.

Btw-Kim sent me. So glad she did!

1/3/11, 7:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm laughing at The Empress' comment "They were born with their favorite toy." I have 2 boys so it's laugh or cry. Either way ya gotta blog about it. :)

1/3/11, 7:58 PM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Boys are like that all of their lives! I'm excited for the day Julia forces my husband to wear pants. I'm tired of that hairy bum!

Also, this is more than I ever wanted to know about your son's "dinger."

1/3/11, 9:28 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh dear lord, thank god bratchild is a girl. I am not mature enough for these conversations. I spent five minutes at a restaurant the other day giggling at runner beans on the menu. I could NOT discuss crooked penises (peni?) with little chillens.

1/3/11, 10:16 PM  
Blogger Booyah's Momma said...

Seriously. I swear my son came out of the womb playing with his nudy. I had no idea it started that young.

1/4/11, 10:11 AM  
Blogger Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

I'm dying over here.

I only had the one boy, and he was not so obsessed. So I never ever had to have this conversation.

And, well, I'm grateful. It's lots funnier when YOU tell it.

1/4/11, 10:44 AM  
Anonymous Megan (Best of Fates) said...

You should tell them it's from playing with it in front of people and if they stop now it won't get worse!

Or that could horrifically scare them and forever ruin their view of their bodies.

I don't know, I'm just a girl writing a comment!

1/4/11, 1:19 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

i clearly have so much to look forward to!

this whole post reminded me of 'Clueless'.


1/4/11, 2:00 PM  
Blogger Tarja said...

This is perhaps your funniest post. The constant touching of the weeny is just beginning in my house. Hopefully I won't have to answer too many questions along the way.

I hear you about being sad. You know I hear you.

1/4/11, 7:16 PM  
Anonymous Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...

The siren song of the penis cannot be ignored by those with a Y chromosome.

1/4/11, 11:42 PM  
Anonymous Samantha said...

Boys! LMAO. I9 have two of them and they make me giggle a lot. My daughter (who is 7) is obsessed with breasts. She wants them and thinks they're cool. OMG. I'm so not ready. LOL

1/5/11, 9:58 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

It's nice that your kids can bond over their curvy wangs.

1/5/11, 3:50 PM  
Blogger tulpen said...

Pretty sure my son's is straight. Mostly because it doesn't have enough length to host a bend. I hope he buys the whole 'Size doesn't matter' myth. Poor thing.

1/5/11, 8:15 PM  
Blogger kris said...

Oh my god, I am so happy I have girls in this moment.

I would giggle all the time.

Oh my god.

1/6/11, 1:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

If this blog is around when they're older, they're going to kill you. You know this, right?

1/6/11, 9:49 PM  

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