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Momma Kiss: I have a Uniform Problem

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Sunday, January 9, 2011

I have a Uniform Problem

Oh, you know the uniform, right?

The one you’ll find me in whenever I’m NOT in work clothes or jammies?

The Velour Tracksuit.

a.k.a. The Hip Mom Uniform.

[that's not me, obvs, but isn’t she pretty?]

'Tis true, I’ve become one with my Uniform. Weekends, I’ll choose it over a pair of jeans.

Unless I’m going out, natch. Gotta bust a move in heels and my bootay huggin’ hipster jeans, right? Otherwise? The Uniform.

I have Uniforms in black, dark gray, brown, deep purple and green.

I know. Green. I have a lil story about the green…

Last year, I mean, the 2009 Christmas “last year,” I absolutely needed a new Uniform for a visit with my co-Uniform enjoyer BoBo. I chose Kelly green. You know, like for Christmas! I never ever intended to wear the pants and hoodie together, I swear. But I liked the color and the hoodie would be perfect w/ the black bottoms – the green bottoms perfect with a long sleeve top for lounging by the fire.

And for a year, this separation worked.


This past Christmas, I was extra festive. Feeling the spirit! On Vacation! Having mimosas at 10am!

In the green Uniform. Both pieces. Together.

I looked like a friggin elf, and not in the pixie-cute-tiny way. Nope. In the “damn, she’s awfully GREEN and what the fuck GREEN” way.

Now now, don't worry about lil ole me. I don’t need an intervention. I’ve already retired the Green Uniform. Some lovely Goodwill shopper will be able to lounge in Kelly Green Comfort any day now…

I’ll pray for them.

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Anonymous Kimberly said...

I wouldn't expect anything less from a person who owns a creepy Santa and sports pigtails.
I'd still hit it ;)

1/9/11, 10:38 AM  
Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

I also fall victim to the uniform. Mine is track pants and an underarmor sweatshirt in the winter and yoga capris in the spring and fall. Sooooo bad, but so comfortable.
I think the green would be fine!

1/9/11, 10:43 AM  
Blogger Gigi said...

Haha! The Jolly Green Soccer Mom!

1/9/11, 10:55 AM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Green is my signature color.. Ok so I might be channelling my inner Julia Roberts with her Blush & Bashful, but I still love the color.

And I have my own version of the uniform. I have the velour track suit like you, but I also rock a mean yoga pant & hoodie.

1/9/11, 11:11 AM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Damn...Kimberly beat me to it!
I have never succumbed to the velour track suit. Somehow my life will never be complete.
Can I make it up by buying a Snuggie?

The matching pieces were living on the edge, weren't you.

1/9/11, 11:31 AM  
Blogger Annabelle said...

Ah the momiform.

Im forever rockin my wallmart cargos and the solid, dark, colors only v neck t. Much room for improvement, out if only I cared.

1/9/11, 11:59 AM  
Blogger Lisa..... said...

But do they Juicy on your ass?

1/9/11, 12:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's nothing wrong with your uniform. It's not like you're wearing flannel pj bottoms and a thermal henley everyday. Ahem.

1/9/11, 12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love that uniform too! and this post is unfair without showing a pic of the green machine...just sayin'

1/9/11, 3:37 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

Oh, that's hilarous! And I'm with Kerry...we want pics of your elf-like fabulousness!

1/9/11, 5:10 PM  
Blogger Hello! I'm Kate. said...

If I could have a MILLION of these I would! But alas, I'm in mismatching black pants & teal (ick)...I definitely don't look super cute like the girl above!

1/9/11, 5:19 PM  
Blogger KLZ said...

I love green. I wish I had that uniform

1/9/11, 6:15 PM  
Anonymous Wendi said...

Aw, you should have kept it and sewn "MS. HULK" on the ass.

1/9/11, 6:46 PM  
Blogger Joey @ Big Teeth and Clouds said...

Ms. Hulk would be pretty funny. Most green pants I see have the work "Pink" on them. This is Victoria's real secret. They want us all to live in a world where no one can match a color to the appropriate printed word.

1/9/11, 7:43 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

awesome visual. Mimosa drinking elf. Did you sit on Santa's lap?

1/9/11, 10:42 PM  
Blogger The Empress said...

I can proudly say that I never succumbed to the velvet mom uniform.

Still, I wear the tired ass jeans WAY too much.

1/10/11, 2:19 AM  
Blogger tulpen said...

I do not own that particular uniform. I have several pairs of yoga pants, that I put on as soon as I get in the house (out in public, I"m in jeans).

I do not do yoga.

1/10/11, 10:46 AM  
Blogger Bird Shit and Baby Caca said...

you just reminded me that I need to invest in a new velous track suit...they are the best!

1/10/11, 11:15 AM  
Anonymous Samantha said...

I don't have any matching uniforms ... except the one my mom gave me, but that's sitting and waiting for the day when I can say "oh, sorry, it's too big on me now." ... I love me a tank top, zipper hoodie and yoga pants. Boo-yah!

1/10/11, 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Jennie @ Modern Mamaz said...

Please send address to your Goodwill. I will be there by morning to pick up my new uniform.

1/10/11, 1:08 PM  
Blogger Booyah's Momma said...

I love wearing track suits. They make me feel all runner like. Even when all I'm doing is sitting around on my ass.

1/10/11, 1:09 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

ha! I love it.

I have one in BRIGHT green and BRIGHT orange. And yes, I wear the pieces together and look like a neon freak.

But, I'm comfy.

1/10/11, 2:04 PM  
Blogger Erin said...

You know why I love this post? Because it reminds me I'm not alone. I have a uniform too. And I also love my yoga pants and do not do yoga.

1/10/11, 2:06 PM  
Blogger Truthful Mommy said...

Good girl. WE all become so comfortable in that damn uniform.I'm not going to lie there was a point where I wore that uniform so much that by the next time I had the occasion to wear jeans...they were too snug. SO, now the jeans are a must at least tri-weekly, if for nothing else to make sure I dont outgrow them.

I always feel guilty on the days I wear my yoga pants and don't actually work out. The guilt was killing me. Thats why I've started working out every morning @ 5:30 am. At least, I got that going for me now:)LOL

1/10/11, 2:20 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This must be an epidemic because I've got it too. Worse yet, I go for Juicy. NOT the pants that say anything on the ass. The pants with with the patch pockets on the butt. I can't help it. Those pants never give me stomach pooch and I love the way my ass looks in them. Not to mention they are so freakin' comfortable.
My current collection consists of mocha,midnight blue and the most recently acquired black. I would have added burgundy just yesterday but bloomie's didn't have my size.
Sign me Saucy from the Block!

1/10/11, 2:39 PM  
Anonymous Erica said...

I love Kelly green and I love velour - you should have sent them over to me!

I swear to god, I wear sweatpants so much that when I DO get dressed up, my poor 4 yo is beside himself. He compliments me endlessly...maybe hoping I'll take the hint?

1/10/11, 3:23 PM  
Blogger Mrsblogalot said...

Oh yeah!

If you haven't secured a firm place in my heart already, the uniform would have done it.

1/10/11, 7:58 PM  
Blogger Joann Mannix said...

I am lounging here reading blogs in my royal blue velour Mom uniform. It's roomy and comfy and by golly, it's velour. You canNOT get any fancier than that.

And I just bet that kelly green was sizzlin'.

1/10/11, 10:03 PM  
Anonymous Ameena said...

A few people can carry off the kelly green look - I am not one of them! I really want to try, mostly because there is a kelly green velour ensemble in the Victoria's Secret catalog just calling my name but I do believe you've talked me out of it!!

And amen to your PSA.

1/11/11, 12:00 AM  
Blogger Sandra said...

Sadly I think the uniform is all of our fates...

1/11/11, 12:26 AM  
Anonymous Miel Abeille said...

Hi, dammit!

Thanks for swinging by my spot on the web :)

Looking like an elf isn't the worse thing -- you could've resembled the Jolly Green Giant hehehe

1/11/11, 9:24 AM  
Blogger Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

Ok, I'm sorry, but I actually think the green uniform would be totally adorable.

Yes, hip with the black, yada yada...

But I think you'd just be one rockin' elf.

1/11/11, 12:01 PM  
Anonymous annie said...

Awww - you should have kept it. I have a green headband I could send you to go with it. Are we really supposed to get dressed during the day? I didn't know.

1/11/11, 1:10 PM  
Anonymous julie said...

Okay - so now all I want for christmas (2011, of course) is a green velour track suit.


I drink mimosas at 10am. I could so pull it off.

Or at the very least, embarrass the hell out of my kids which is always a secondary goal of mine.

glad to find your blog, lady. you funny.

1/11/11, 5:39 PM  
Blogger Mommy Nani Booboo said...

It would've worked if you wore ornament earrings and a star headband.
Should've asked me for advice... I would've saved your ass on that one. Really! It would've worked.

1/11/11, 9:16 PM  
Anonymous Morgan B. said...

You know, that's the problem with those velour sweatsuits. You start by swearing that you'll wear each piece separately. Then you start occasionally wearing it together. Then you start sleeping in it and continue wearing it the next day. Not that I would know about that firsthand or anything...

1/12/11, 12:22 AM  
Blogger Sara said...

As long as you're not wearing a bedazzled vest over a turtleneck which a pair of tapered leg jeans, I won't judge you.


1/12/11, 2:50 PM  
Anonymous Yuliya said...

Velour? I can't pull that look off, more power to you.

1/12/11, 7:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You shoulda posed w/ Evil Santa in your green elf suit.

1/13/11, 9:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can handle all of the colors except for the Kelly green. Girl, you crazy.

1/13/11, 10:01 PM  

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