hasta la vista suckahs!

Friday FU 7.23

Friday, I'm in Love!

Well, with this Friday anyway. I'm not working. At work, that is. I'm doing laundry and packing. Yay Me.

Still have to get a few things off the proverbial chest, though.

Listen up.

To the airline who keeps changing our departure time...for the love of God, we're already leaving at way-too-early-ass-crack-of-dawn-i'm-allergic-to-the-hour-o'clock tomorrow, stop messin with me, will ya? Not to mention we're an hour away from the airport. Boarding time is still considered sleepy time, so if I'm grumpy as fuck, well, deal. Fuck You, airline.

To the people on the plane who start bitching about not having peanuts, FUCK YOU. My kid's allergic and yes, it was me who called and requested they not be distributed on the flight. Deal, assholes. Go shove some peanuts in your pie hole when you land and enjoy your ability to breathe whilst doing so.

Now. If you'll excuse me, I have a date with a very large, very empty suitcase.


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Other people's angst: hosted by kludgymom!

Wordless Wednesday 7-21

Is it really only Monday?

Heeeeeeeey Y'all! Didja Miss me? Don't lie.

I've got some issues.

First, my employer's IT department has finally wised-up to my love for blogging and commenting and has totally ruined my mojo. I can't get to any blogspot sites - including my own. Boo. I mean, DOOD - it's their right acourse, and I like my paycheck, but mornings with my coffee and google reader? No More! Afternoons browsing while I 'learned via online webcasts?' No more!

Computer time at home is not easy. We all have similar issues. I gotta adjust.

Second? I'm pretty sure I have carpal tunnel. My right hand is insanely nutty. Like it's not my hand. More my wrist. Or like my thumb-wrist-areage. It clicks easily, too - you know? Like if I move it around, I can hear the clicks like when you crack your knuckles. So I have to figure that out - and actually pray it's carpal tunnel and not early Rheumatoid Arthritis [which Momma has]. If it IS CT? I blame my crackberry or the amount of time I am on computer [mostly work related] or my new toy. Ahem.

Third and final, I'm goin' on a trip. And taking my husband and kids with me! Aren't I nice? We're going to see my Momma and my Brother and his family and my sister's kids. I'm going to seriously try to avoid seeing my Sister. We shall see. We're staying in her ex-husband's cabin, bet she's got that all stuck in her craw. Don't Care.

I have a point! I'm a TAD stressed out trying to get the work shit done and the home shit done and avoid family drama and fix my carpal tunnel issues and fit in the brazillian and OMG calgon take me Awaaaaaayyyyyy!

Pray that the pilot drives us to Montana safely in his big Air-O-Plane, will ya? And that my xanax is close at hand. Next to the children's benedryl.

Flip Off - Damn Dog

It's that time again. I have to do a Friday F-You.

My dog. The damn dog. He's turning 7 next month and has been a loyal, loving Mascot from day one. He's super snuggly and lovey. But he's also a chewer. A cute chewer, but still.

And apparently he's taken to digging now. He's like "That rug ain't stopping nothing, bitch!"

Pshaw. That was easy.

I've read that dogs who dig are incredibly smart. Who the fuck cares how smart he is! Is he going to use those smarts to get a job and pay for the carpet replacement?  "Welcome to McDonalds, may I take your order and sniff your crotch?"

Not to mention, this is from only like a week of digging. I'm afraid for the rest of the room. Look at those claw marks! He's down to the cement floor underneath. He's dug through the carpet and the padding.

Look at him all "Wasn't Me."

Listen pooch, don't look away from me. You know you did it. I caught you red-pawed. Fuck You, you digging dog.  You better shape up or next week's Friday F You is going to be about the money we spent to send you "to the farm."

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friday flip offs hosted by KludgyMom. I'll have to grab the linky when her post is up.

Tears and Torpedoes

Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip…


I actually have a little story to tell today. Which, I’ve been faltering in that category – and just being lazy and posting pictures of boobs and bruises.


Sorry ‘bout that. But you know how sometimes you’re living life and shit is happening and you could probably stop and take notes to share the story, but then you realize that you’d rather live in the moment instead of leave it for any reason? Yah. That’s been happening a lot. Living in the moment.


That sounds like a country song.


So today’s story, boys and girls, is about my Big Kiss who is recently the proud owner of his “Whole Hand AGE!” [turned 5. get it? He gets to show you his whole hand? Whatever.]


We talked about the summer he turned 5 he’d get to take a couple of solo trips to NY to visit the in-laws. The past few days he spent some time with Gram & Gramps and we knew he’d have fun. They took him on Sunday and brought him home yesterday. When I got home from work he was SOCRAZYEXCITED to share with me every detail and show me his toys and the notes they took on all the things they did and OMG! To be honest, I was pretty excited, too. I missed that little turd. We had a good few days alone with the little one, don’t get me wrong, but as dysFUNctional as I make it sound, our lil family has some good times together.


After dinner, the in-laws left and then we chilled our bones with some Backyardigans. Brushed teeth and read some books for bed time. Just as I was kissing him nigh nigh, Big Kiss started to cry. Like full on sobbing, hide in the pillow crying. I asked what was wrong and he could barely choke out “I Miss GrayMa.”


Jaysus.


I climbed right into bed with him and held him. Shhhshing him and telling him we’d see them again soon. I didn’t know what else to do. He’s a sensitive, caring kid and just seemed heartbroken.


I felt like nothing I did was helping him. I think that part got to me the most. I mean, now he’s still a little guy, but what will I do as he gets older? Will I be able to calm his fears? Make it all better with forehead kisses and back rubs? I doubt it, so then what?


Swear to God there are times when I truly wonder why I was allowed to be a mom. I don’t know if I’m cut out for this. As I let all these doubts rumble through my mind, his sobbing slowed and his tears stopped. I could feel his little heart beating against mine.


He looked up and said “I got boogies, Momma” and promptly made a nostril torpedo out of the tissue I was holding. Boogies evacuated, crying done, my boy slept.


If only it were so easy for Momma…

Wordless Wednesday - Cluster Eff.

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non-wordless-notes. please and thank you, i can NOT find a way to post 'respectable' pics of the Themed Party. I am however willing to share via e-mail. Promise. If you're that curious, Hit me, Yo!
mommakiss02@gmail.com 

FFS t-shirt fun

Anyone remember when I was playing around with cafe press custom t-shirts? Damn, that was fun. Not to mention a total time suck. Can't help it, when I start something, I'm So Totally Focused!

Well the honorable mention winner (one of them, anyway *cough*mofo*cough*) sent me some pictures of her honorable mention winnings.

Nice chesty/torso shot. Because clearly we've all had enough of my boobs on this blog. Jeez:

She also wanted one for her friend, and because I’m nice like that, I sent them each at t-shirt.

Per Request, I’ve cleverly disguised the friend – not that she needs to be, she’s hot!

FFS girls together:

This shot just makes me snort. I realllllllly want to know what the fork she’s laughing about:

I’m told that the day these pictures were taken, the girls had a final exam for a class and the professor was quite amused. I’m also told that during said exam, Vally Girl decided to point to her shirt a few times – apparently perplexed by a question or two.

Happy to help girls, Happy to help.

As a total after thought, I'd like to share this photo. It's a drinking related injury. I think. I just found it today. So we're clear, yes - that is my upper hip. And yes those are my boyshorts. [happy I shared?] But for the love of God, I really want to remember the portion of the evening that caused me to bruise such a lovely shade of purpleyellowblue. Not to mention the scrape type incision in the middle.

I'm trying to find a way to post pictures of the "Themed" party I went to on Friday night [scene of the crime above].  It was an absolute riot. I did purchase something(s). One has a fancy name, but the host calls it "The 2.5."

More to come.

The Non Flip Off Friday

I decided to skip the Friday Flip Offs today. I’m afraid the list would be incredibly long and, well, I need to NOT focus on certain things right now.

Instead, a lil trip through the mushy organ between my ears…

I’m being therapized again. Yay me. Not really, but whatever. Having The Sads isn’t fun and when they become The I Don’t Cares, well, at least I’m smart enough to realize that outside help is necessary and so I’m being helped. Shrink Style.

My family is all healthy. That’s a major Hoo Rah!

Yesterday I wore a new dress to work. As soon as I left the house I had outfit regret. It’s a tubey top kind of dress (i.e. no bra) and it was high maintenance and whatever, I looked good so the double sided tape and good posture were small sacrifices. I tossed on a cardi, upped my ‘professionalism’ factor.
Pic of said outfit. Well, of me sitting at my desk anyway…

After seeing that, I don’t know what I worry about. People around here dress way more slutty in the summer. Baring midriffs and tramp stamps showing.

Speaking of slutty, tonight I’m going to an adult-type party. My ‘hood momma “Irish” is hosting and it’s gonna be a riot. I’ve never been and can’t wait to hear the ‘party lady’ school me on vibes and beads and dildos. I mean really. It’ll be like “Moms Gone Wild.”

I think I have ADD.

The End.

Just say no, kids.

This may or may not have made it's way to your inbox recently, but I heard the "audio only" on the morning radio show and about pissed myself. From laughing.

My guess is this guy didn't piss himself, but actually came in his shorts.

Video totally safe for work.



At the 2 minute mark, he starts crying. Then it just turns ugly. Or beautiful, I guess, depending on how you look at it.

I'm dying to know what sort of drugs he took and if he has any to share.

For my friend.

p.s. apparently he's still high - he did a cbs interview about the video. Says he was "knocked down by the rays." Um. Wow. 

Wordless Wednesday - Wilty

Blinking Cursor

No really.

That’s all I’ve got. Blinking cursor.

(47 minutes later)

Oh – Wait! An update on what I made for the bbq on the 4th.

Turns out the grocery store was open – thank GOD. So I’m walking through the aisles and pondering my possibilities and just magically ended up in the candy aisle.

The brilliant solution: White Pretzel Flipz and Red, White & Blue m&ms. In a clear container. Supah easy, right? Layer them to look all cute and festive?

But wait.

No ‘festive’ bags of m&ms. What the fuck, makers of m&ms – no bags of red, white & blue candy coated goodness this year? Or are you just sending them to big stores like wally world and targhay?

Whatever, I say to myself. I can fix this. I just bought extra bags of REGULAR color m&ms and then separated the colors. No white in there, but the Flipz fixed that. So yes, I sat at my dining room table, after forbidding my children to come into the kitchen, and spilled out 6 bags of m&ms and slid the reds and blues to the left, the other colors to the right.

I got this plastic see through canister and tossed in one layer of color, a bag of Flipz, another layer of color, another bag of Flipz and then filled in the holes w/ more reds & blues.

Huge hit at the party, I must say. Of course I have no pictures. Just imagine it, mmkay?

And now – if I want to do, say, a Halloween one? Or St. Patty’s Day? Or Thanksgiving? I have those other colors hidden in a canister, far far away from my husband’s snacking self.

Oh, p.s. – 2 of the 6 bags were those Pretzel m&ms – it mixed up the sizes, tied the m&ms to the pretzel flipz and overall genius, if I say so myself.

Not bad, eh? Hope all y’all had a fabulous weekend.

Scramblin

This weekend has been such a crapshoot, typical MommaKiss, I guess.

I'll be quick and to the point today. The internet is pretty much closed, I know. I have a need people! I'm going to a bbq this afternoon and need to make a treat. Like way last minute.

I've made oreo balls, which are phenom - but it's going to be 96 degrees and those babies need to chill.

Cake Pops would rock, but again - the heat.

Cupcakes are my specialty - but another friend has already made some. Actually "some" is 3 dozen. *overachiever*

I like doing the flag cake thingy with angel food cake cool whip and berries, alas, another friend already beat me to it.

Grrr. I may have to fall back on something like white choco covered pretzel sticks with red & blue sprinklies.

Now, anyone know if the grocery store is open? FFS!

Fluck Off 7.2.10

Ahhhh, have you missed my pretty little finger? Let's get to it.

'Amember when I found out I have strep? Yah, on Monday. And since Monday, I've been taking meds. I should be clear - *more* meds. Ahem. Anyway, do you wanna know what's NOT awesome? The pee. It's murky. It's stinky. (It's something I apparently need to review). So for making me smell like an old woman, Fuck You Penicillin Pee!
And my little bladder. Just cuz. Fuck You pea sized bladder.

My psyche? You totally let me down this week. This week, I should have been attempting to be a Rock Start with the whole single workin’ momma gig. Being present both at work and home. Making dinners. Letting the boys whining roll off my back. And the fighting.

But nope. You totally failed me. I’ve been foggy, feeling like ass, feeding my children chicken nuggets for breakfast and lucky charms for dinner, on edge, cleaning up dog puke in the basement, fending off skunks in the backyard so the dog can attempt to puke outside, sleeping like shit and yelling at my children. Fuck You, psyche.

Things to be thankful for in the midst of this absolute disaster of a week:
A) – my children actually do love me. In spite of myself.
B) – I lost approximately 4.5 pounds.

Take That Stress!

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friday flip offs hosted by kludgy mom. So refreshing. 

My Bad Words.

A little something to help me post during my sick, exhausted state. No really, you should see the luggage under my eyes.

My friend who uses bad words tossed out some questions to a few people and I decided to answer. I’m a giver like that.

1: Desert island time: What kind of chips do you bring?

Doritos. For 2 reasons. A-I totally love them. B-island is deserted, so no one will give a shit about my nasty breath. Or orange fingers. 

2: Speaking of chips. Double dip: Yes or No? Come on, nobody is watching.

I always double dip. The world needs more germs. [I'm actually not joking, I’m truly convinced that the whole sanitization of the world has created more allergies in kids. Mine included. Peanut Allergy. Let’s all ingest some germs once in a while, yah?]

3: You can only have ONE; your computer or your TV?

Computer. I have Netflix instant watch ;)

4: Cheesecake: Proof that God exists and wants you to be happy, and fat. Yes or no?

If we’re talking snickers cheesecake from The Factory? Yes. It makes me very very happy and thus, a fat ass.

5: Farts are always funny. Yes or no?

I have 4 brothers, 1 husband and 2 sons. If I don’t laugh at it, I’ll be sickened to death by the stench. So YES.

6: Got kids? Watch Disney or Nick? What's your favorite? Don't got kids? You're watching way better TV than I am. You suck.

Neither. We like Noggin’. And that little Moose A. Moose is a sweetie pie.

7: Glee?

Emphatic yes. With jazz hands.

8: Really embarrassing guilty pleasure. I'll show you mine if you show me yours. And mine is pretty embarrassing.

Pooping in private. It’s a rare occasion.

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Happy Thursday, y'all. I'll just be over here taking my horse pills.