Warning. I'm swearing today. Friday Flip Off.

Someone around the ‘sphere does one of these where you say Eff Off Friday and today I must participate.*

This morning, my little angel faced cherub was up at 5.45 am screaming for Momma. But when Momma arrived, he said “no momma” and continued to whine, scream, cry, point and stomp his feet for the next hour. He’s 2. It’s his job. Doesn’t make it any more ‘fun.’ So to my Little Kiss, Fuck You.

After 59 minutes of this whining, screaming and crying, I yelled – at the top of my lungs – “WILL YOU PLEASE STOP WHINING BECAUSE THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON EVERY MORNING FOR A WEEK AND I’M ABOUT TO LOSE IT” [“about to.” Heh.] To which, my husband replies “nice, every window in the house is open, hope you don’t mind the neighbors hearing that.” To my husband, who couldn’t be MORE supportive, Fuck you.

To the lame “invite the whole class to a kid’s birthday party” rule. My kid hates your kid because he spits and isn’t nice and my kid only plays with a few of the kids in class so to that rule: Fuck You. I only invited 5 friends.

My co-worker, who decided to send an e-mail about the smallest little thing, but then CC like 896 others on it so as to point out an inconsistency, thanks for being so professional. Fuck you.

To Father Time, for just, I don’t know, for being. My kid turns 5 next week. I’m really not dealing with it well. He’s not nearly a baby, obviously. Not even a toddler. He’s a really big boy. And I’m not ready to be a mom of a 5 year old. So yah, Father Time. Fuck you.

Wow. I feel REMARKABLY better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*found it. She even has a button. Though with my trucker mouth, I'm not sure she would appreciate being associated with me.
KludgyMom

Wordless Wednesday - hella lotta juice

Story Time

My son and I have started this new “story time” before bed. He’s almost 5 (in a WEEK – hold me)…and getting him to go to sleep is typically an hour long process. Little effer, he tries every tactic to stall. Gotta Pee. Need a drink. I can’t fall to sleep. Rub my back.

We’re trying stories (not books) to get him to calm down to ease the process. This has sort of been working!

So I used to tell stories about animals. I.e. 5 giraffes (named after his buddies from school) and an adventure that they go on. Or hippos. Or monkeys. He’s typically the last to do the ‘challenge’ in the adventure and beats all of his friends. Natch. Well that shit was getting old and I was running out of adventures so we started an alphabet game:

Name an activity or anything you can remember from the day for each letter. And here’s an example from last night…

A – Apple! We had apples outside and I didn’t want the skin because it gets stuck in my teefe and then I need floss. Floss is for F!
[hold up, kid]

B – baby beluga. We sang dat in the car! [about 800 times]

C – ceiling. The ceiling is white. There’s a bug on the ceiling. Is that bug gonna eat me? Bite me? I hate bug bites. I’m allergic.

D – daddy. Daddy yelled today. When I threw dat rock in the pool, he… [yes he did, moving on]

E – eggs. We got eggs at the grocery store. E is for elephant [but we didn’t see an elephant today, did we?...no, but it’s FOR ELEPHANT!]

F – fwiends. My fwiends came over to play. You talked to their mommy while we played on the swings. [thank GOD for adult convo. And he forgot about the floss.]

G – giggles. We have lots of giggles. Like when I burp and when I toot and when I tickle you. [nothing like farts to make you laugh]

H – hungry. I’m hungry. Can I have a snack. Just a banana. Pleeeeeease. I’m STAVHIN! [see? Stalling]

I – ice cream. “ice cream, you scream, we all YELL for ice cream!” [can’t get that shit right for the life of him. Even in repeat after me.]

J – jokes. I tell funny jokes. Did you see that chicken cross the road? [that’s it, that’s his joke. No punch line.]

L – love. I love you momma. [crap, this kid is Good.]

M – Mow the lawn. You mowed the lawn today in your swimmy suit and you looked FUNNY! [lovely, and ‘tis true]

N – nutty. You’re nuttier den squirrel poop! Does that make you giggle? G for GIGGLE!

O – OH NO YOU DIDN’T! [he’s SO my kid]

P – for peter. Dat’s my name. and poop. P is for poop. P.O.O.P I can spell poop!

Q – huh?

R – rabbit. We saw a bunny rabbit run from our screams.

S – snake. There was a snake in the grass when you were lawn mowing and you screamed. Scream! Scream, too!

T – toot. T for toot. I can spell toot. T.O.O.T. [he then forced a fart. Joy.]

U – you. I love you momma. [didn’t have the heart to correct him]

V – very hungry momma. I’m hungry. Can I have a snack? Pleeeeeeeeeaaaase. You never ever never give me a snack.

W – water. We sprayed with the water today

X – I don’t know x, Momma. We didn’t do an x today. [I did, he doesn’t know what my Vitamin X is all about ;) ]

Y – are we done yet? This is a long story and I’m tired.

Thank God because I didn’t want to go a few rounds with The Letter Z.

Hellooooooo

Well Helloooo there!

Got some new heads over there - in that lil "drink the kool-aid" box - and I can't even begin to tell you how excited that makes me.

It's the little things.

So - to y'all who are new - I hope to entertain. I may get serious once in a while. Or post while intoxicated. 

That gets fun.

I haven't written a real blog in ages. Work is kicking my ass, with steel-toed boots.

And then I have a husband who likes to schedule work trips when those steel-toed boots are on nice and comfy-like.

And so my babysitter (thank GOD) helps me out...picks up my kids from daycare. Feeds them. Sleeps them. And then? When I've decided to keep her for a couple of hours knowing they're sleeping? I go out with my 'hood mommas.

I come home and pay her...and hand over a $50 and a $10 instead of a $20 and a $10.  She of course realized it, and tried to give it back - but I didn't have it in me to admit that I was a maroon. 

ANYWAY...

Hope to be back to my regularly scheduled random real soon.  

Y'all come back now, y'hear?

Wordless Wednesday 5.19.10

Post it Note Tuesday - My kinda post!

Hey Hey - My girl Jen is on vacation and I'm taking up space in her pretty blog. Go visit Jen's Voices and say Hi and stuff, yo!

So now for me.  Y'all know how much I love random. Found a new way to randomize my post.

Because I'm busy and all that.
[edit because i frikkin did it wrong. chripes].

Bumpin' Uglies - The List

OK, I usually totally suck ass at responding to the bloggy award things. I do. But this one - well - it cracked my shit up and I have nothing else to write about, so when Jess shared this with me I figured what the fuck. Here goes!

Do you have a "list" - that list of celebs you'd totally bump uglies with, no regrets? And if you're in a committed relationship, your 'other' is aware of this list, right? I mean, he/she has to be in the know. If for nothing else, to get you out of jail incase you're accused of stalking the celeb.

#1. Now this goes way back, the first Star I ever remember thinking “I want to marry him and live happily ever after.” I was approximately 7. And this was pre-Frodo days:
Sean Astin, aka Mikey in The Goonies.

Oh how I wanted him. I distinctly remember stealing change from my older brothers and my mom’s coin purse to go to the movie. Alone. At night. On the way home I was crying because I realized Mikey was just a movie star and he’d probably never know I existed and then I got picked up by the cops and when I got home my mom beat my ass. After telling me she was glad I was safe, of course. And then I was grounded for stealing money and not telling anyone where I was going.

#2.

Ben. Oh, sweet Ben. We met once, actually. At Fenway Park, Easter Sunday 2002. I was hungover as hell and racing to the bathroom under the stands and there he was. Walking toward me. Totally checking me out. Like eyeing me up and down and smiling. I stood there all gobsmacked, forgetting about my need to hurl and just stared at him. Then I said “Hi” and he said “Hi” and kept walking. I raced back to tell my [then] fiancé and everyone within shouting distance that “Ben Affleck just TOTALLY hit on me!” and no one believed me and then he came up to the section, waved at me and went to his Front row seat. I then remembered my need to vomit and had to race back to the bathroom.

#3. Vincent Vaughn. Jen was a total MAROON to give up this guy. Swear. TO. GOD, he could make me laugh during sex and that’s a superior quality, right there.

#4. Gerard Butler. The goofy grins. His swagger. Swooooon. Not to mention the accent. That alone makes my girlie bits tingle.

#5.  Enough Said.

Sometimes I really wonder about me

I’ve been busy working. I know, I know - you don’t believe I ever work, do ya?

Well I do.

So since I’m working and have lost my blojo - I now present you with:

Things that have actually come out of my piehole in the past few days.
I’ve been taking notes. Just for YOU!

“I NEVER joke about wine.”

“Who took my paper assholes!” *

“Will my kid ever shit on the toilet without announcing it to everyone within a 5 mile radius?”

“I’m getting a salad. With cheese, taco meat, guacamole and sour cream. It’s like a 5,000 calorie salad but it’s a SALAD!”

In response to a friend saying she ate stove top stuffing because it helps her migraines**: “I just ate a graham cracker. Topped with peanut butter. Topped with m&m’s. For no reason at all.”

A friend recently had abdominoplasty and asked me: “Um, why does my belly button look, all, um…”
Me: Like a cat’s ass? It totally looks like a cat’s ass doesn’t it?”

“I have to pee. And no that’s not code for “I am bored with your phone conversation.” If I don’t go now, it’s going to look like my food baby’s water broke.”





*those reinforcement circle things. For after you hole punch something. And need it in a binder. And need it not to get ripped. 'Tis from my auditing days. Ima total nerd.

**yes, stove top stuffing is the one and only thing that helps her migraines. and she'll eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner some days. Not gonna lie, I'm sorta skeeved out by this.

Wordless Wednesday

**************************


Some words on last Wednesday's picture.

No, Mooooog, it was not from my plug in vibrator. Jeez. That outlet is closer to the bed.

The outlet in the picture clearly had been abused somehow. But we're not 100% certain what happened. I do know that the entire f'n house could have burned down. Electrical fires are like #2 on my 'fears in life' list - because typically you don't know until it's too late. Those wires in the wall all burning and shit before you know they're burning. Suffice it to say, the outlet pictured had experienced some trauma, most likely at the hands of one of my kids.

I still make the sign of the cross when I walk past it.

Happy Mother's Day

Proof that I'm a Momma:

Big Kiss was about 8 weeks old in this picture.  Those cheeks - I can't stand it. He's still got them ;)

Lil Kis was 3 weeks old - conked out for his christening.

Life is Good, people. My kids are happy, healthy and hug my neck so tight it hurts.

Happy Mother's Day, y'all.

Listen Up Yo!

Ann Imig from Ann's Rants has worked so hard on this show: Listen To Your Mother.

I hail from the land o' cheese (well, my formative years anyway)...not far from Madison. I'm pretty bummed I'm missing this event on Sunday.

Break a leg, ladies! Have a super weekend!

Wordless Wednesday

Random and a WINNER!

Random facts from the weekend. Which began on Friday, yo!

Friday morning I had a doc appointment. Which I was running late for and I called to let them know - come to find out? I was an hour early. Figures.

I had the rest of the afternoon off. I ran with the Kiss Mascot in the park. It was HOT.

Saturday was absolutely gorgeous. Sunday was absolutely HOT. Swear to God, New England weather has serious identity issues. Frost on the windows last Tuesday, 90 and sunny on Sunday.

I sold a 7-ish year old fridge on craigslist. For $300. Fridges and hookers, I love craigslist. 

I'm getting a new fridge for Mother's Day. It will not be delivered until Mother's Day. Which is 7 days without a fridge in our kitchen. We have one in Manland, so every time we want something, we have to go 'shopping' in the basement. I'm going to have killer glutes by the end of this week. Or - fatter - as we'll be ordering out every meal.

I'm cheating on my bestie 'hood mama with a new 'hood mama. I just get along with the new girl so much better. At the risk of sounding all "The Bachelor" - we have an amazing connection. We are both hiding our 'dates' from the original 'hood mama and feel scandalous (men, you probably will not understand this).


Ok Ok - I know you're just here for the winner of my first ever giveaway, so here it is!

I used Random.org to generate a number between 1 and 32. First? Dan@JaneYouIgnorantSlut won - but since he said he didn't want to be included, I moved along. (Sorry, Dan, and I bet you "never win anything!") I hit "generate" again and Number 12 is the winner*!

How do you know if that's you?  Well, the mad woman behind the blog, It was all scientific - I had to count down one by one with my lil fingers on my screen and YOU WON!

I'll e-mail you and get your info to send along the winnings. 


*If I had ANY idea how to screen print, save as a jpg or anything high tech - I'd prove it to you - but alas, y'all will have to trust in the process. 

Yankee Wife, I feel like you need some sort of consolation prize, you were so dedicated. I'm working on it ;)