Story Time

My son and I have started this new “story time” before bed. He’s almost 5 (in a WEEK – hold me)…and getting him to go to sleep is typically an hour long process. Little effer, he tries every tactic to stall. Gotta Pee. Need a drink. I can’t fall to sleep. Rub my back.

We’re trying stories (not books) to get him to calm down to ease the process. This has sort of been working!

So I used to tell stories about animals. I.e. 5 giraffes (named after his buddies from school) and an adventure that they go on. Or hippos. Or monkeys. He’s typically the last to do the ‘challenge’ in the adventure and beats all of his friends. Natch. Well that shit was getting old and I was running out of adventures so we started an alphabet game:

Name an activity or anything you can remember from the day for each letter. And here’s an example from last night…

A – Apple! We had apples outside and I didn’t want the skin because it gets stuck in my teefe and then I need floss. Floss is for F!
[hold up, kid]

B – baby beluga. We sang dat in the car! [about 800 times]

C – ceiling. The ceiling is white. There’s a bug on the ceiling. Is that bug gonna eat me? Bite me? I hate bug bites. I’m allergic.

D – daddy. Daddy yelled today. When I threw dat rock in the pool, he… [yes he did, moving on]

E – eggs. We got eggs at the grocery store. E is for elephant [but we didn’t see an elephant today, did we?...no, but it’s FOR ELEPHANT!]

F – fwiends. My fwiends came over to play. You talked to their mommy while we played on the swings. [thank GOD for adult convo. And he forgot about the floss.]

G – giggles. We have lots of giggles. Like when I burp and when I toot and when I tickle you. [nothing like farts to make you laugh]

H – hungry. I’m hungry. Can I have a snack. Just a banana. Pleeeeeease. I’m STAVHIN! [see? Stalling]

I – ice cream. “ice cream, you scream, we all YELL for ice cream!” [can’t get that shit right for the life of him. Even in repeat after me.]

J – jokes. I tell funny jokes. Did you see that chicken cross the road? [that’s it, that’s his joke. No punch line.]

L – love. I love you momma. [crap, this kid is Good.]

M – Mow the lawn. You mowed the lawn today in your swimmy suit and you looked FUNNY! [lovely, and ‘tis true]

N – nutty. You’re nuttier den squirrel poop! Does that make you giggle? G for GIGGLE!

O – OH NO YOU DIDN’T! [he’s SO my kid]

P – for peter. Dat’s my name. and poop. P is for poop. P.O.O.P I can spell poop!

Q – huh?

R – rabbit. We saw a bunny rabbit run from our screams.

S – snake. There was a snake in the grass when you were lawn mowing and you screamed. Scream! Scream, too!

T – toot. T for toot. I can spell toot. T.O.O.T. [he then forced a fart. Joy.]

U – you. I love you momma. [didn’t have the heart to correct him]

V – very hungry momma. I’m hungry. Can I have a snack? Pleeeeeeeeeaaaase. You never ever never give me a snack.

W – water. We sprayed with the water today

X – I don’t know x, Momma. We didn’t do an x today. [I did, he doesn’t know what my Vitamin X is all about ;) ]

Y – are we done yet? This is a long story and I’m tired.

Thank God because I didn’t want to go a few rounds with The Letter Z.