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Momma Kiss: I could SO be a soccer mom

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Sunday, September 19, 2010

I could SO be a soccer mom

I have been grinning like a kid on Christmas morning since posting on Friday. New visitors, amazing comments, great feedback - makes for a happy MommaKiss, I'll tell you that much.

A big fat Thank You for the comments, except that one douchebag. You know who you are [and I love you anyway].

Weekend sorta flew by. Guess that happens to a lot of us.

I have a lil story to tell and decided to use it for a friend's writing prompt, so here goes.

My BigKiss is 5. I didn't really deal with that very well, but we had a great summer, a shaky start to kindergarten and now he's immersed in his first organized sport.


Yes. Soccer.

Now, listen, I'm not really the kind to schedule the hell out of my kid's free time, not to mention, MY weekend time, but I digress. My friggin husband signed him up and said "By the way, Saturday at 9 is his first game and you're on for snacks. GiddyUp." Asshat.

Thing is, it's turned out to be pretty good all around. He started the Saturday after his first week in Kindergarten. A girl from his recess period and a kid from his daycare are on his team and 2 other kids in his class are on other teams. He actually goes after the ball and is pretty quick, so there's that. I was a bit worried he'd be the little wuss on the sidelines and we'd have to push him on to the field, but nope - he was all excited and likes playing.

We're usually up early on Saturdays, so our new routine is to go get bagels and an XL coffee for me then join the other townies at the soccer field.

I guess I could lie and say I'm his biggest cheerleader, but I'm not. I look over once in a while and say "go blue" or some shit, but mostly I sit in my chair and people watch. If people watching were an olympic sport, I'd be quite a medal contender.

Things I've learned in the 2 weeks we've been there?

I'm NOT a soccer mom.

Well, if the definition included hangover breath being masked by coffee breath + hat & pigtails + bomber shades + yoga pants + flip flops + NOT a minivan, well then yah - I'm a soccer mom. Some of the others I'm seeing? High waisted khakis with granny undie panty lines? "Mom" haircuts? Crocs and SOCKS?! Problems all around, people.

Not to mention this sight:

He's our age. That's One Helluva Combover!

So he's "that dad" who's on the sidelines yelling during every exchange "Nice steal, Johnny!" "Great goal, Johnny!" "PASS IT TO JOHNNY!" Does he realize these kids are only 5? That there are no goalies or out of bounds? Or that maybe if Johnny wasn't such a fucking show off, the other kids would pass once in a while. Total Asshat.

Oh, Also? Mr. Kiss took that picture, just for me. He may have redeemed himself from the sleuth-soccer-sign up asshattery.

I can't wait to go back next week ;)

trying word up this week:
header 150x150

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Anonymous Capability said...

I am a soccer mom but no mom jeans or self/child promoting cheering. It's "Yay for everyone" her and I am way past Kindergarten soccer (they are children, people).

9/19/10, 9:22 PM  
Blogger Liz said...

Boo-yah! You even conjugated it!

This is going to be an awesome week.

Thanks for joining in!

9/19/10, 9:27 PM  
Blogger Adrienne said...

That is too funn! People watching at events like 5 yr old soccer games are priceless. :)

9/19/10, 9:30 PM  
Blogger sherri said...

PLEASE, please, PLEEEASE post a picture of an unsuspecting parent with backstory from the sidelines every week/you wouldn't show faces of course, how fun would that be? for me to read? LOADS. New feature?

9/19/10, 9:39 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Aaah, darn you don't have a girl. I would really love to hear your opinion of pageant moms.
I'm pretty sure our Mad will play soccer if her dad has his way. I think 2 might be too young to start.
Looking forward to more non-soccer mom chronicles.

9/19/10, 9:47 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Yeah, tried the whole 'soccer mom' things and I didn't like it. Thankfully, neither did the kid. It was very short lived. Now, I can just be hung over in peace with the kids running around.

9/19/10, 10:07 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

You had me at bagels.... mmmm. And XL coffee.

9/19/10, 10:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

We were going to start my 3yr old in soccer this year, but decided to wait another year or two! BUTTT give me a few yearrs and I probably will be a soccer mom!

9/19/10, 10:54 PM  
Blogger alicia said...

You crack me up. Now I'm going to pay attention to the peeps around me at next week's soccer game.

9/19/10, 11:11 PM  
Blogger Bag Lady said...

Bring a magazine next time. You can catch up on your reading. That is how I found my father at EVERY event I was ever in. I would look for his bald spot facing me, cuz his chin would be pointed down while he was reading his Newsweek.

9/19/10, 11:37 PM  
Blogger Sheena Simpson said...

Ummm what's your opinion on homeschooling mamas? lol nice use of the wow. I might have to join cause I enjoy readin' ya'alls posts. Oh how bout an opinion of country mamas? lol

9/20/10, 12:20 AM  
Blogger Hannah said...

OMG! That picture is too freaking funny! Now you do realize everyone is going to want a picture of the moms in khakis, and sock with crocs! LOL. That really is a bad combo! Thanks again for a great laugh!

9/20/10, 1:38 AM  
Blogger Stasha said...

Soccer Mom I am not... I am just not into sports like that. But if my daughter came up to me and said, "Mom, I wanna play soccer." I would let her. But I don't see that happening because she isn't that into sports either, LOL.

As for the dude with the comb over... Just shave it all off and be bald! Bald is beautiful!

My step-dad's comb over would put that one to shame. His starts about a half inch ABOVE his ear and is combed over and swirled around his bald spot! Freakin' hilarious! I love my step dad to death and would never say anything to his face but have done quite a bit of giggling behind his back! ;)

9/20/10, 3:21 AM  
Blogger Moooooog35 said...

I usually spend my afternoons on the soccer field yelling "KICK IT! KICK THE BALL! KICK IT!!"

I'm pretty sure that's some of what you have to do, but my daughter believes rule #1 in the game of soccer is 'pick grass.'


I went through all your comments and can't figure out who the 'douchebag' is.


9/20/10, 6:07 AM  
Blogger tulpen said...

Thank GAWD my kid is Deaf making soccer pretty much out of the question, unless I stood on the sidelines and interpreted, or somehow got him an FM system, neither of those is gonna happen, SO. My Saturday mornings are safe for now.

Fingers crossed my daughter has no interest in any kind of physical activity. She's my kid so chances are good.

9/20/10, 8:43 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Oh, this cracks me up! I am working on a post about soccer parents, after having spent the last several Saturday mornings at the field. I would SO sit with you...we are on the same team, I think. Maybe it's because I'm a reformed CPA?

I'm going to tweet this!

9/20/10, 12:51 PM  
Blogger Evonne said...

I'm a soccer mom. But I am a lot closer to your definition than the actual definition of a soccer mom.

Isn't that why we sign our kids up for sports? To people watch!

9/20/10, 1:04 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

That is quite a combover! He can't really think that looks good?

Now we need to see pics of the soccer mom you could never possibly be...khakis and all!

9/20/10, 1:22 PM  
Blogger KLZ said...

"High waisted khakis with granny undie panty lines? "Mom" haircuts? Crocs and SOCKS?! Problems all around, people."

That right there? Is my nightmare. I actually walk into the hairdresser and say "No mom haircuts."

9/20/10, 1:43 PM  
Blogger luckydame said...

My oldest is only 4 and I'm dreading team sports so bad. I'm with you about people watching....there are some doozies out there.

That's quite the comb-over and he doesn't really need it.

Go check out my blog....left ya an award!

9/20/10, 1:45 PM  
Blogger Momma0f3~1662~ said...

HAHAHAHA...Pissing myself right now! I LOOOOVE people watching...especially other parents at school or sports functions...sometimes I wonder if I'm the only "normal" one....or maybe I'M the outcast hahaha!!!!

9/20/10, 1:46 PM  
Anonymous The Flying Chalupa said...

When asshat came along, you just couldn't resist, could you? It's an enticing little word.

And this was true-mommakiss-funny. go blue - hehe. People-watching is so much more fun.

And dude, when are you gonna get email subscriptions cause I can't do rss feeds on my hub's work-laptop and I miss all the good stuff.

9/20/10, 2:18 PM  
Blogger MommaKiss said...

Chalupa's Mom, I'll add the e-mail thing (that I thot I had? No?) If you add an e-mail in your comment that I can reply to! Deal?

Now. Will someone tell me how to add "subscribe my e-mail" or whatever the fuck?

9/20/10, 2:32 PM  
Blogger Tiffany said...

Crocs should be killed.

I'm probably not a soccer mom either as i haven't found a group of moms i fit in with anywhere unless it's on the internet so, yeah. if my kids ever play i'll go to the game with my boobs all pushed up with cleavage just to give the other ladies something to talk about. because i'm helpful like that.

ps-- 'townies?' would you happen to be from jersey?

9/20/10, 3:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Love it! I sit in my car & watch from there. I tried for years to be a soccer mom. But they were just too obnoxious. When I transferred from sideline to car, a few determined soccer moms tried to infiltrate my sanctity and actually stood at my window to yell out support to their kids. I guess my vacant stare finally convinced them I was a lost cause. I can now sit in peace and pretend to be interested in the game for my kids' sake.

9/20/10, 4:34 PM  
Blogger Shell said...

I have the minivan, but that's about all that makes me fit in with the soccer moms.

The husband used to coach soccer before we had kids- high school and a traveling competitive-kill-the-other-team club team. Those parents were insane. I almost fell off my chair during the game that one of the player's 80 year-old grandma got kicked out for calling the refs blind cheating asshole bastards. Priceless.

9/20/10, 4:38 PM  
Blogger Mommy NaniBooboo said...

Um, sorry... what's a "steal" and a "pass"? If my kid ever plays soccer, I'm gonna prop myself in a lawn chair with extra big sunglasses, and take little nap. Okay, I like to think I'm that cool- but I'll probably trip over myself cheering and clapping. I promise it won't be in crocs or khakis, though- EVER!

PS- totally agree with the suggestion of posting a pic of an unsuspecting parent each time. Pretty please?

9/20/10, 5:24 PM  
Blogger Alyson -- Common Sense, Dancing said...

Hilarious: the linguist in me really admires the use of asshattery. Nice job.

And I would like to add degree of difficulty to your Olympic sport of people-watching by throwing in the eavesdropping component. For me, this is key for the sideline stuff.

Game? What game? Oh yes, nice job guys. Go team, go. But then be quiet because I can't hear what he's telling her about the date that his coworker had that ended with the police getting involved.....

That sort of thing.

9/20/10, 7:17 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

You are so my type of soccer mom!! Love ya girl.

9/20/10, 7:19 PM  
Anonymous kris said...

My girls are not into organized sports at all, and I am not ashamed to admit that I am not at all unhappy about this. Soccer schedules? ACK!

But people-watching?

That I fucking love.


9/20/10, 9:29 PM  
Blogger Heather said...

Best. picture. ever.

Love it.

9/20/10, 9:51 PM  
Blogger Midwest Mommy said...

I think I need to sign my kids up for sports just for the parenting watching.

9/20/10, 11:30 PM  
Blogger Poppy said...

I might drive a minivan, but I'm usually hovering around .08 still Saturday morning so I need a DD to get us to games and practices before 10 safely.

Also, you cropped that picture a little too close because literally I think that comb over is coming from his ass.

9/21/10, 1:13 AM  
Blogger Truthful Mommy said...

LOL! I love it. I grew up with soccer and yes my parents were "soccer parents" screaming and shouting, ranting and raving. I'm all for cheering your child on but I have realized that I tend to get too involved. My girls are sitting soccer out this fall, they are in the throes of ballet. So, I get to be ballerina Mom:) Basically it entails, slicking hair back into obnoxious buns and making sure tights and leotards are clean.I am guilty of wearing my ginormous shades, while I sip on some soothing beverage while my girls try and decide who is the biggest princess on the dance floor. When my 5 year old did soccer last year, I remember there being a very large little boy who liked to push her around. I totally wanted to beat his ass and his asshat parents for allowing him to be such a douche bag. I figured for that reason alone, I needed to focus on a less aggressive sport this year. Of course, its on like donkey kong next year when she gets to play on a team with her cousin Dom, oh yeah, the pituitary challenged meanie may get a taste of his own medicine. I would never sick my nephew on another kid but I am sure if anyone messes with his bestie, he's going to take care of her. So, have fun at soccer...see what I mean that I get too involved?:)

9/21/10, 10:13 AM  
Anonymous erica said...

Stop! This is too funny... Love the combover!

9/21/10, 10:38 AM  
Blogger Lourie said...

Crocs and socks? Really!? I have the van, but I would be people watching with you. It's too hard not too. Especially when people make it so damned easy! haha.

9/21/10, 11:11 AM  
Blogger Ma What's 4 dinner said...

You and I should definitely sit together on the sidelines!!! Oh yeah, that'd make our soccer Saturdays a lot more fun!

Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner

9/21/10, 1:54 PM  
Blogger Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Dude, are you me? That would so be me. Not in a minivan, drinking soda, playing games on my iphone and wishing I were in bed...

9/21/10, 9:09 PM  
Blogger Lisa..... said...

I am NOT a soccer mom. Especially in the LA sense. Which means fake breasts, super hot in their yoga pants,snack bringing.....hey.....

I have been doing the soccer thing for like 6 or 7 years and I totally want to support my kid, but those team mom types scare me. The ones that make matchy hairbands for the girls? I just sit on the sidelines quietly with my Sbux cup and no makeup.

9/21/10, 10:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That hair is so wrong. Crocs AND socks?! I have never heard of such a thing. I dare say it's sacreligious. Don't even get me started on VPLs (visible pantie lines). The only thing that could top it off would be if Mr. Comb Over was wearing a polo shirt and track suit. Preferably shiny and with racing stripes.

9/22/10, 1:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I was so happy when my boys dropped out of soccer. So stinking happy.

9/22/10, 1:53 PM  
Anonymous Yankee Wife said...

people-watching is the GREATEST! right next to people-listening HA! Love the pic and the thought of more to come...

9/22/10, 2:29 PM  
Blogger Sandra said...'ve just brought back memories of hockey season, which is like soccer except you freeze your ass off in the rink.
I must say, when you described yourself: yoga pants, hair in pigtails, flip flops, I sort of fell in love with you. Wanna date?

9/22/10, 5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im a soccer mom. I dont think I have granny panty lines though. I'll have to do an ass check and see.

Im kinda regretting the whole soccer thing though. We have 3 practices throughout the week and somedays we spend our WHOLE freakin Saturday at the sports complex. Ugh.

9/23/10, 1:41 AM  
Blogger Maxabella said...

OMG, the combover made me vom a little in my mouth. Who in godsname does he think he's fooling? You can just tell by the rest of the cut that some poor hairdresser is forced to leave the long bit ever time, no matter how much she's begging him to cut and accept... yikes. x

9/26/10, 8:09 AM  
Blogger angela said...

Came over from a belle, a bean & a chicago dog and immediately saw the combover. This post made me laugh, and I think I'll stick around for a while, especially since you're a Yooper!

9/26/10, 8:44 AM  
Anonymous The Drama Mama said...

I love this post! So funny. We did soccer one fall and one spring. JB enjoyed it, and I did too, sort of. I had the baby in the belly though, then the infant that had to be entertained, oh and last spring during softball? I had the toddler who runs on the field during the game...

haha. I'm so very NOT a soccer mom.

9/27/10, 2:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank God for smart phones. I'm not very good at pretending I'm interested.

"High waisted khakis with granny undie panty lines?"

Would a thong line be any better? Or worse: *shudder* a thin layer of khaki is all that separates me from a flappy taco. That's it. My kids ain't doing soccer.

9/27/10, 12:56 PM  
Blogger Cold As Heaven said...

I'm a ski dad >:)

Cold As Heaven

10/6/10, 3:34 PM  

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