Pity Party of One, your table is ready

I’m having a shittastic day. Really it began yesterday.

Lil Kiss is still sick – waking up at night w/ gagging coughs, puking, snorky. Finally took him in yesterday afternoon. Ear infection. And Thrush – that’s a yeast infection in his mouth. Fantastic. So he’s on meds AGAIN for the ear infection and the thrush. The reason he’s got the thrush is from all the antibiotics for his fucking ears. My doc is on vacation, but as soon as he’s back, we’re going in and telling him we want tubes for Lil Kiss. That means surgery and that breaks my heart to pieces, but it’ll only mean a better life for Lil Kiss.

So I’m done at the doc and go to get Big Kiss. Did I mention the Mr. had a work even last night? Timing – perfect. So I get Big Kiss a happy meal – loves his chicken nuggets, apples & milk. But it didn’t make him happy at all. He was fresh with me all night. And when he’s like that, he swats, kicks, talks nasty. I counted to 10 more than I can remember last night. I let him watch a cartoon while I gave Lil K his meds and put him to bed. Come back down to whining, told him to stop and turned of his cartoon. He kicked me. I spanked him.

And promptly felt like absolute dog shit. Doesn’t matter that he kicked me and was 100% misbehaving. He’s 3. And I am the adult. I’m not against spanking. But I still felt like ass. And then, continued to use it as a threat the rest of the night. What kind of mother am I?

I’m in bed around 10 – not sure when the Mr. came home but next thing I know it’s 6am and Big Kiss is whining next to me.

Here’s the thing. He comes to our bed during the night if Lil K wakes up or in the morning or whenever. And he whines. Cries and whines. Every single morning. Wants his drink. Wants to eat breakfast. Wants no covers. Every single morning. Well, we deal. We ask him to use his words, stop crying, we can’t understand, but deal. Even last week after the drunk fest, I was up w/ them in the morning b/c that’s what the parent does. Well as soon as Big Kiss started in, Lil K was up, too and needed his bottle. I needed the Mr. to get up and help. He just laid there. I knew he was awake, but I said “it’s our choice to stay up late – I need your help.”

And he starts flying off the handle. “God forbid I go out and have a good time once in a while, you can’t even let me enjoy it for 5 seconds.”

You see, he expects me to make a comment. I could have said “Hey, I need some help b/c both kids are crying.” and he’d have STILL taken it the wrong way. He assumes I’m digging at him for being out so he expects me to nag.

Our relationship has been tough in the communication department lately. We get thru the day. Stuff for the kids, business w/ the bathroom, car needs gas. It’s been a long time since we’ve laughed together. Or just had a real conversation. Or even been friendly to each other. And it’s tiring.
Needless to say, we fough in front of the kids. Big Kiss totally gets it and that makes me feel shittier. But I told him I did not make the comment to be a nag or a bitch, I just needed help. I hate that he assumes the worst. I hate that Big Kiss was watching like at a tennis match w/ our words being thrown back and forth. I hate that I can’t make everyone happy. I can’t change my husband. I can’t be everything to everyone all the time. I hate that he’s not my best friend. I hate that I can’t fix things when I feel like I’m the one everyone comes to for fixing.

So maybe he’s right. Maybe I need to look in the mirror and figure out how to change my outlook. I thought writing would be the best therapy for me, I’ve been doing it for a long time. But I think I need more. I need to work on me – a LOT. Never been to a shrink, but I’m looking into it today.

So the shittastic day continues. Off to a meeting where someone else will add to my task list and all I can think about is the fact that I didn’t kiss my husband good bye this morning.

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OK, just making a call for a referral for a therapist made my palms sweat and my voice quiver. But I think it's the best option right now.