You're Doin' it WRONG!* Am I?

Being a parent has proved to be one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done.

I grew up in a single parent household. I got good grades. I’ve been working since I was 15. I paid my way through college. I led a healthy single life until I was 28, without getting into too much trouble. That's when I managed to trap someone into marrying me. Deciding to have kids was sort of next, even though I was never EVER a “I need a family to complete me” kinda girl. Having kids - it just sorta made sense. We decided on 2 from the beginning, hoping we’d be able to have kids, that is. Luckily, for reasons unknown, God decided he’d toss some my way and we got just that: 2 beautiful boys.

And I wanted boys.

OH did I want boys. Obviously if we had girls I’d love them to bits anyway, but in my heart, I just felt like I was meant to be a momma to boys.

Babies are sort of easy, you know, when you look at it from the bigger picture. They’re cute. You feed them. You clean them up after countless dirty diapers. You give up your right to sleep so that they can. But all they need is love and caring. You get rewarded with smiles and giggles and firsts…sitting up, crawling, walking, words, sentences, boo-boos, jokes. It’s been a world of firsts for me in the past 5 years. And also lasts…last diapers (thank GOD)…last "12 month old” sizes…last sippy cup. I know more will come, more firsts and lasts, the joy of being a mother is that it’s your title for life.

What do I mean by challenging, then?

I’m constantly struggling with “am I doing it wrong.” I actually have the “fun and joy” motto to parenting, even though it may not seem like it, but you know – play and laugh with your kids. While playing and laughing, teach through example. We try to speak kindly and respectfully. Tell them that ‘hands are not for hitting.’ Hug them whenever possible.

I hope my kids have fun with me, but bet your ass, they also know I’m the Momma. And Momma has rules. When we’re at parties or events, I’ve heard more than once that my kids are very well behaved and I think “Who the hell are you talking about?” They aren’t always the best at home, but if they “do it right” in public, well then, I’m doing something right, too.

We work at it. In the middle of playing with your kids and being fun, we also think that your kid should have manners and we sort of hold them to a high standard. I’ve been around some who don’t listen, have no manners, run wild [not just “being a kid” but wild]…and I truly believe that if your kid’s an asshole at 3, and you don’t work at reigning it in, he’ll be an asshole at 7 and at 14 and then he’ll be the douchbag in every crowd for life. I’m pretty sure my kids aren’t the asshole kids – but if they are, if they’re out of line, etc. – I tell them and they suffer consequences. That’s the other side – when the parent sees it, and does nothing to correct it, well, they’re at fault for raising an asshole.

Back to my parenting questions, I guess. My Big Kiss is 5 now. He’s been in daycare since 4 months old. All year, summers, etc. On Monday, he started a new program there, new kids and new surroundings and it’s kind of our precursor to kindergarten. Both days this week when I picked him up, as he grabs my hand to walk to the car, he’s asked me about the monkey bars. Yesterday, he said “Momma, can we go to the playground so that I can practice on the monkey bars?” My mind races - wondering when I’m going to fit this in before dinner and bedtime and can he wait til the weekend. So I say “sure, are there monkey bars on your new playground?”

“Yes, and I can’t do them and when I fall and run to the other side, Tommy called me a cheater cheater. So can I practice more so I can do them so they won’t call me names?”

I literally choked and turned so he wouldn’t see my face. I was called names as a kid. I was bullied. I never want that for my kids. Ever. But I don’t want him being the name caller, either.

What the hell do I do? I never know if I’m babying him too much. I’m trying to teach empathy and compassion. And he’s got it – a lot of it – but can he have too much? Am I making him too sensitive and a target for the ‘tougher’ kids?

In this instance, I just said “Yes, we’ll practice. We’ll get it. We’ll keep trying. And when those kids call you names, it hurts your feelings right? So you don’t ever want to call kids names, right? Maybe tell them that you’re not cheating. You’re learning.”

Thing is, he’s only 5. I’m sure more things like this happen than I’ll ever know. I’m not a helicopter parent. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could hold his hand through every new situation he’ll be in.

I still don’t know if I’m doing it wrong – not sure I ever will. I can only hope I’m doing my best.

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*one of my favorite lines from a movie. Mr. Mom - when dad goes the wrong way in the school drop off line. "DAD, you're doin' it wrong!"

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