Let it Shine

Yesterday, January 17th, I woke up with a knee in my back. That of a 4 year old. We slept together in the spare room so Mr. Kiss could get some good sleep. He's been a bit stressed. 

I made coffee, made omelets and toast, got the kids fed and dressed and grabbed my phone for a weather report. That's when I realized the date. And for the first time in 16 years, I did NOT wake up thinking about "the date." You see, January 17th, 1994 was a Monday. The last day of my little brother's life. On that day, on his school lunch break, he was driving on an icy bridge and was hit by an out of control mini-van.  And although there are many many days that I DO wake up and think of him, today was not one of them.

I don't know if that's good or bad.

I'm at peace. I miss him like mad, but I'm at peace. 

I did some typical Sunday things. Went to the gym, hauled some firewood, supported my husband in his job worries and then I just wanted to sit. To sit and have a drink "with" my brother.  When  I really feel like being close to him, I light "his" candle.  We had a white pillar candle lit at our wedding to represent my little brother's spot as a grooms man and I still have it. I tend not to light it for very long, guess I never want it to burn all the way or something.

Anyway, last night before dinner, I kicked the kids to Manland and asked for a little bit of quiet time. I knitted and talked to him. I raised my glass in a toast to him. I told him I miss him and that I'll see him again someday. And I sang this song (in my head) like we used to sing in church together - mocking the old ladies...

This little light of mine,

I'm going to let it shine!

(you know - rinse and repeat).

And then Big Kiss came upstairs, hugged me and said he had to pee.  Cest la vie, right?