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Momma Kiss: The dress

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

The dress

March, 2006. We had an 8 month old baby. Mr. Kiss and I had a rare date night out for his birthday. Some drinks, home to pay the babysitter, and then some rare nookie (like I said – 8 month old baby). Fast forward 2 weeks, I’m pregnant. We were SO not ready it. The baby was a crap sleeper. It was busy season for me at work. Mr. Kiss was building his empire at his own job. A new baby wasn’t planned – yet. But, we knew we wanted 2 kids eventually, so once that shock and awe wore off, we were happy. Thinking “We can totally do this!” The non-sleeping 8 month old would be 18 months when the new baby arrived, too young to know we rocked his world but hopefully walking and becoming a lil more independent. We decided to just accept it and get ‘er done.

In April, we had a friend’s wedding to attend. One of Mr. Kiss’ college friends. April in New England can mean snow or sunshine, so the dress had to be functional. All weather and hide the tiny belly that was already expanding. Why does the belly do that w/ the second kid? Expand all early and shit? Damn.

So the dress had been found and I have to say, it was perfect. Springy, complimented my skin tone…I even got the shrug to go with it so I’d be presentable in church.

The morning of the wedding, I was getting my hair done and felt…I don’t know…not right. I have picture of me that day, taken by the stylist, with a gorgeous updo and a big smile. Funny, the things you remember when you look back at pictures. I got home to tell Mr. Kiss that I felt like something was going on, I was spotting a little bit, and felt crampy and didn’t know what to do. We talked about not going to the wedding – but I figured why sit home and be miserable – the wedding would be a good distraction.

Turns out that us going was a blessing in disguise, we were in Cambridge and my doctor was in Boston. I had to leave during the ceremony due to heavier spotting. I just sat in the car waiting for Mr. Kiss to make an excuse for us. I called the doctor, who said that I was “most likely having a miscarriage” and that we should go to the emergency room. There I sat, alone in a green Chevy Blazer. In a church parking lot. I was crying a little bit and I guess saying good bye to a baby that wasn’t initially wanted. Did I cause it because I felt that way?

We got to the emergency room and watched the comings and goings. I wasn’t in critical condition, wasn’t dying, so I was lower priority. There was a sick toddler. An old man in a wheel chair. And me, in a beautiful dress, losing a baby. No one knew what I was there for. How could they? But I sat and prayed and held Mr. Kiss’ hand. When I finally got back to a room, I was given scrubs to wear and the dress was shoved into a bag, along with my swanky shoes and clutch. We had to call the babysitter and tell her that I was in the ER and we weren’t sure when we’d be home. She’s a friend and I told her what was going on…which was the first time it set in that I was no longer pregnant.

Once you’re given that news – that clear medical news – that the pregnancy has terminated, they still have to do tests and ultrasounds and blood work…which, really? Just let me go home already. Hours passed and we were finally told that there were no more physical signs of the fetus and were released.

The physical aspects were gone. Just like that. But it takes a while for the emotional signs to fade. I’m not sure they ever fully do go away. What would that kid have done in this world? Boy or girl? Would Big Kiss have been close with him or her? Would the baby have red hair like Little Kiss now does?

Anyway, just the other day I saw the dress. I was cleaning and there it was, still in the hospital bag, in the back of my closet. I have no idea what to do with it. Can I donate it? Knowing what IT went through that day? Do I wear it again? I have no idea. I guess it’s the last physical sign I have that I was pregnant in March of 2008…and I can’t give it up yet.

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Anonymous casey said...

i see nothing wrong with holding on to it for sentimental value.

i am superstitious so i maybe shouldn't comment because in theory, donating it is very noble, and i'd hate to discourage that. i am sure it is a gorgeous dress. maybe you could wear it again sometime.

1/12/10, 11:31 AM  
Blogger JenJen said...

Aw sweeties....
The softer side of MK is very nice to read.
For me? I'd probably keep it and continue to wonder why I do.

1/12/10, 12:26 PM  
Blogger JennyMac said...

so sweet..and you know what, you sound not ready to give it up or donate it. So keep it. And when you dont feel any stirring when you see it, you will know its time.

1/12/10, 2:06 PM  
Blogger Momma Ski said...

I didn't know you had to go through that. I'm so sorry. If it were me I'd probably keep that dress too.

1/12/10, 2:38 PM  
Blogger tattytiara said...

I appreciate your having written this so that I could read it.

1/13/10, 12:00 AM  
Anonymous val said...


1/13/10, 3:05 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Hugs and kisses!
Keep the dress. You'll know when you're ready.

1/13/10, 1:59 PM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Hi, just found you and am so glad that I did.
I say keep it until you're on the other side of baby two. You may feel you can wear it again.

I will have to get to know you more but didn't want to pass through without saying Hi, dammit.

1/13/10, 6:36 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Reading this, so well written, i almost feel as if I was there with you for the whole thing. Keep the dress for now...

Thanks for visiting Secret Story Time. I want to follow your blog now.

Thanks, Secretia

1/13/10, 6:40 PM  
Blogger Leigh said...

I struggle with this too. Some things I have held on to, I feel like I don't emotionally need anymore. But if I get rid of it, what does that mean? That I'm over it? That she's forgotten? That I don't miss her? Of course not, but it still keeps holding on to it just in case.

1/13/10, 7:40 PM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Hugs. No advice. We all have a "dress" in one way or another and all struggle with hanging on or letting go. But if it were me, I guess I'd keep it for a little bit longer. Like Scarlett said,"I'll think about that tomorrow".

1/14/10, 11:09 AM  
Anonymous Kiki said...

I'm so sorry. I didn't know you had a miscarriage. Thank you for opening up to us. I say keep the dress. Hugs.

1/18/10, 1:05 AM  

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