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Momma Kiss: A Mom

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Monday, January 4, 2010

A Mom

So I have a sinus infection. Again. I guess it’s better than some sort of other bodily infection (ew) but I state the fact that I have sinusitis so as to set the scene here…

I’m hopped up on meds.

I’m sitting at my desk after many many days off.

I’m feeling nostalgic and sentimental.

I’m about to get heavy.

Not fat heavy, but deep heavy. You’ve been warned.

Somewhere in the middle of November, maybe closer to Thanksgiving, I was doubting myself. My roles in life. As a wife, as a mother, as a career woman, as…well, as Me. It wasn’t some huge V8 moment where I just fell to the ground and cried “WHO AM I?” - it just sort of snuck up on me. The Mom role, especially. I started thinking about it one day in the middle of telling Big Kiss to do it “because I said so.”

Really? “Because I said so?” And there was a lot of tossing around “Santa’s watching you” and “Just wait ‘til I tell your father” and “Please stop licking your brother” and “No, I don’t want to see that you wiped your butt really good.”

Who says those things? A Mom, I guess.

I’ve been questioning things like why did God choose me to be a Mom. And to be these boys’ Mom. Any twat can give birth and become a Mother. But I’m their Mom. I say things like the above. I think ahead 47 steps if one of them has a fever and what will it mean for daycare, work schedules, will the other one get sick, how much pain is he in and do we have Motrin. I always pack a diaper and paci in my purse. I buy clothes for them before me (mostly).

But how did I learn to do and say all of that? Is it instinct? Did my own Mom teach me without realizing? And would they be better served with someone else as their Momma? Like someone who didn’t work? Or didn’t have so many emotional issues going on? Or someone who adores playing BatManCave 27x a day?

It’s really hard for me to grasp the fact that I’m 30. OK, Fine, I’m 35, you assholes. A 35 year old, married for 7+ years, 2 kids, house in the burbs, all American yellow-lab owning woman. That’s the profile of an Old Woman.

Not me.

Not the hottie w/ big firm boobies and hips to match! Not the smart, driven work-a-holic who could put in 60 hours a week and still manage to enjoy a happy hour. On a Tuesday. Not the carefree friend who could jump on a flight for a weekend getaway on 24 hours notice. Not the adventurous 26 year old who moved cross-country for a job and slept ‘til noon on the weekends.

When did my “old” profile leave me, and when did I become this…this…current Me? I know we all have to grow up at some point. But I really can’t believe that I have 2 small children who depend on me to make them waffles and to raise them to be good. To kiss their booboos. To care for them unconditionally, even w/ dirty stinky bums.

Alas.

I’m leaving this open ended, for me to revisit when I can, because I have no answers yet. I guess I just continue to do what I can. To be the best Mom I can because I’m all they got. (Don’t tell Mr. Kiss – he’s the “good cop”).

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15 Comments:

Blogger Miss Merry Sunshine said...

I sometimes worry about my poor children because they have this mental case for a mother. It's the weirdest damn thing ever, I swear. Especially now that I live the split personality lifestyle. It's hard to adjust...

1/4/10, 2:03 PM  
Blogger JenJen said...

Hi dammit
Honey leaving behind the old "us" happens when we make room for the new. Old gets pushed a side, a little then alot, I think. Until it's way over there in the corner next to memories of a creepy uncle or bad sushi, and it's only uncovered when we dust it off and admire it.
Because that was a life worth admiring, because it was meant to be. Today, this life, is meant to be our present, and so when our children are older and in therapy, we'll dust this one off and admire it too. From the nursing home. And we'll look back on this life and say, wow, was that good.

1/4/10, 2:33 PM  
Blogger JenJen said...

Again, dammit
sorry for the blog comment. Fuck why didn't I put that in a posting??
:)

1/4/10, 2:34 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I don't think anyone ever really knows why they end up where they are. We just kind of roll with the punches and wake up one day and realize everything you just said. WTH happened to the old me? But isn't great? You get to have firm boobies AND play BatManCave. Go out for drinks AND make waffles for stinkybutt kids.

Someone who isn't a mom doesn't get to realize that you CAN have it all. The trick is to embrace it all as it comes-whatever the punches bring.

(and now I'm going to copy what I wrote so I can read it when I'm feeling like the last thing I wanna do is wipe more boogers)

1/4/10, 3:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well.....I think you are a great momma. In all honesty, you are a role model to me (I'm a SAHM). You do it all....& w/ a big, friggin' smile on your face. You love life & your kids know it & that's so important.

So even tho sometimes you may feel inadiquate as a parent...just know that you are doing a great job & lots of us notice it, even if we don't say anything.

1/4/10, 3:44 PM  
Anonymous Val said...

I love you. Really. Even though you have changed profiles, you are still that same girl, just with different priorities.

Those boys (all three of them) are lucky to have you.

I feel the same way often though. Would K be better off w/out me in her life? She could have gotten a better mom, one who wants to be a SAHM, and has more patience, and who wants to stay married to her father...

Sigh. Guess all of us doubt our abilities.

1/5/10, 3:04 AM  
Blogger Leslie said...

Amen sister. I think it's an eternal struggle to balance our identities pre-kids (hobbies, friends, social life) with the needs of our kids. But life with small kids is overwhelming b/c they NEED you for every little thing and want to TELL you every little thought in their head. I remember my mom tuning me out in the car when I was chatting her ear off and now I totally get why she did. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel and soon enough we'll miss the days when our kids were young and truly loved us for who we are. But it still doesn't make this time in our lives any easier. And if it helps you any, my New Year's resolution is to interact more with my kids and engage them more in the hours after school and before bed time. When I typically tried to just have them entertain each other and not kill each other b/c I was so "done" with them.

1/5/10, 2:23 PM  
Blogger Aunt Becky said...

In reclaiming myself, which I'm working desperately to do, I'm terrified that I'm going to be one of those people who go off to college and turn into crazy asshole sluts. I've always been the good RESPONSIBLE one.

I want to be the bad girl.

1/5/10, 7:11 PM  
Blogger Denise said...

All I can say is that I feel the EXACT same way. Right now. For the past 4 weeks.

I wish I had answers - but I don't.

Big hugs...you are an amazing woman with so much to offer. Do you know I lean on your words you wrote me in that email about how sometimes it is okay if all three of us cry when I am watching the kids? I actually play that over and over in my head. You are an inspiration to me.

1/5/10, 7:23 PM  
Blogger Stacey said...

Wow. You said it all. Your entry made me feel really good. Thanks for that. :)

1/6/10, 12:03 AM  
Blogger EB said...

Hugs! You are "supermom". We all struggle with who we were and who we are. I think all you can really do is try to be happy in the moment and enjoy what life hands you. At least that is what I try to tell myself.

Love Ya.

1/7/10, 9:53 PM  
Anonymous Maggie, dammit said...

I didn't really feel like a wife or mother until 2006. By then, I had a 7-year-old, a 1-year-old, I was on my second house, and I'd been married 9 years. It's an odd thing, such a huge change to happen so subtly. It was hard won, too. Go easy on yourself.

1/8/10, 9:06 AM  
Anonymous casey said...

disclaimer: i don't have kids. yet.

i think it is good to have these sorts of thoughts, and to be introspective. here's why:

as with marriage or any other life-altering decision, it should be taken very seriously. re-evaluating allows you to make decisions on what is working, what isn't working, what you'd like to change, etc. i think that makes you a terrific parent.

as for that fun, free-wheeling 26 year old, think of it this way: you had kids at a decent age and so by the time they're grown you'll still be young enough to return to that fun lifestyle, be a hip mom, and enjoy your life. I honestly dont know how people START having babies in their forties.

1/12/10, 11:37 AM  
Blogger A said...

Hmmm...I'm 36, married 15+ yrs, 2 kids, and I have a jiggly ass...and have been going through the same damn thing for over a year...just now finding my balance in life. If I had only known what would happen after all this I would've worn a thong every day of my life...w/o pants. That makes no sense, but I'm not erasing it.
Good luck! ;)

1/13/10, 2:59 PM  
Blogger Secretia said...

You do have it all together, I can tell!

Secretia

1/13/10, 6:44 PM  

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Say hi, dammit! For the love o Gah, I hope you have an e-mail that I can reply to. Plleeeease say you do!

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