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Momma Kiss: Let's talk about waxing

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Let's talk about waxing

Let’s talk about waxing.

No, not waxing poetic. Not that. The hot wax that rips the hair off of your body.

That waxing.

I should preface this by saying I’m blond. And not particularly, um, hairy. Ok? Got that?

But I do like to trim the bushes, ya know? I do not like rockin’ the pizza slice. And I used to do it by myself. Then one day a new family moved into the neighborhood and the ‘established’ ‘hood mommas invited this new momma over for drinks. New Momma is Irish. Doesn’t everyone just want to sit and listen to that Irish brogue for hours? Well I could. Long story short, on the very evening that we met, I had to share the story of how I had an “incident” shaving down below.

She asked me to expand. Fine – I sliced right up my labia. I did. And it bled like a motherfucker. And then I had to wash off the shaving cream. And I screamed like a banshee. Twice.

As she watched me with that “I’m fucking horrified face,” I thought I was a goner. She’s probably thinking Who are these people and why am I in her basement? But no – she then told us that she’s an esthetician. Has been schooled by Elizabeth Grady. Since having her twins, she doesn’t work there anymore, but does offer services out of her home. And she said she’d help me so that I’d never be slicing and dicing my lady bits, ever again.

Now that’s the definition of a new friend. Sign me up.

Of course, after signing up, you have to wait a while. I had to let it grow. Out. A lot. I had the pizza slice. I hated it. Every time I’d see Irish, I’d say “Will you come check, is it long enough yet?” Yah, she was SO happy she befriended me. She’s wicked cool, though. Didn’t mind checking. Heh.

Finally the day arrived where I was to experience my first ever waxing. We planned to have dinner, too – you know, foreplay before she lured me to the basement to commence the hair ripping.

I was quite impressed with the set up. She has that big chair that you lie down on (the kind like when you get a facial), wax heating, gloves. All professional and stuff. I’m not typically shy by any means, and wasn’t on this night either, but I was a bit afraid of the actual ripping part. The pain of it.

Which is why I had 3 glasses of wine and a Percocet.

Didn’t feel a thing.

She chatted the whole time which also helped the situation. I’m telling ya, that brogue. She could have asked me to watch her kids for 3 weeks and I’d probably have said yes. Instead she just kept asking questions while applying melted wax to my hoo hah. I’d answer and then she’d peel that wax right off all quick like. Then, poof. Gone. Easy peasy.

Anywax, I see her quite often – for non ‘appointment’ type fun stuff. Our kids hang out. We do lunch. We’re very good friends. And when I need a touch up, I just pop in and we get it done.

Well.

This last time, the only way we could mesh our schedules was to have a playdate. Ok, whatever, no problem. 4 children 6 and under? They can keep themselves busy for 15 minutes right?

We go to the basement – and her set up has changed a bit – they’re redoing the room, so the chair is in the unfinished part. You know, like bare walls, stuff hanging around. Dangling lights. Well I’m all unclothed from the waist down, she’s going at it, ripping and I’m all doing the “sssssss” thing thru my teeth and grabbing the side of the chair. We’re almost done, when she noticed a small ingrown hair, and because she’s a professional and all, she couldn’t leave it be. So she was extracting that. It hurt like a sonofabitch, but I know out is better, so I screetched “just get it out!”

my view: [yes, that's my knee]

And then.

My 3 year old walked in.

Just as I’m all tense and laying naked on a chair and Irish is bent over me with gloves on and the room is bare and the dangly lights. He stared at me for a minute, saw some blood, stared at me again and then started screaming. A crying scream. “What is she doing to your Not Penis?**!” “I’m SKERD!” GAWD! I had to tell him that I was ok, that I had a boo boo that Irish was helping me with, that I was not hurt.

Oh lord, do I have enough savings for this child’s therapy? I doubt it. Seriously doubt it.

Especially because he still asks to see my boo boo on my ‘not penis.’



**click that link, it's damn funny

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53 Comments:

Blogger Jessica said...

I'm sorry, I'm laughing so hard I can barely think of what to type. Your poor child walking in. Good thing you started working for Juice in the City, you will need to save that money for therapy.

6/16/11, 10:43 PM  
Blogger ☾ Ash ♡ said...

Oh Lord is right.. I don't even have words.. Oh My Gah Momma..

6/16/11, 10:45 PM  
Blogger Annabelle said...

I shit you not, you just made Dr. Proper come out of my nose! Ahahahaha!

I've never waxed...I'm a wuss. But you can sign me up for party favors and irish brogue AND an excuse not to maintain the playgrounds, hell yeah.

6/16/11, 10:54 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That is hilarious and tragic all at once!

6/16/11, 11:00 PM  
Blogger Bewildered Bug said...

OMG I don't know which is worse - the child walking in on you in bed or this! haha - I don't know what I'd do! But...i do wish I had an aesthetician as a neighbour - would be quite convenient :)

6/16/11, 11:46 PM  
Anonymous Lisa said...

Yikes. At least he is little?

6/17/11, 12:11 AM  
Blogger Alison@Mama Wants This said...

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!

That's all I got.

Oh, and *Snort*

6/17/11, 12:47 AM  
Anonymous Making It Work Mom said...

So first I am incredibly jealous that you have your own personal waxer! Seriously how lucky are you.

Second I am sure your son will be fine, he just may be a little cautious around hoohaws for awhile. Which could be a good thing in the teen years. Or he might write a tell all in his 20's about his suspected relationship between you and Irish.

6/17/11, 7:06 AM  
Blogger Joshua said...

I stuck with this whole thing, because I'm a gamer like that. Even when I winced when you put "slice" and "labia" in the same phrase.

The three-year-old will forget. And by forget I mean repress.

Also, I tagged you in my post today, just so you know.

6/17/11, 8:10 AM  
Anonymous Kimberly is allergic to pizza said...

Holy fucken labia majora....
I thought my eyebrow waxing with a toddler was bad.
PS. Is she waxing your junk in the pantry?!!'

6/17/11, 8:38 AM  
Blogger Kmama said...

Bwahahahaha!! Oh, that is just priceless. So priceless!

6/17/11, 8:46 AM  
Blogger K Pugliano said...

Oh. My. God. I had the same wincing face Im sure Irish had with the slice/dice.....

You are a brave soul...

I am laughing so hard...

6/17/11, 8:46 AM  
Blogger Kristin @ Peace, Love and Muesli said...

Best. Story. Ever. Perhaps traumatizing to your youngest but still way better than slicing up your lady bits. No?

6/17/11, 9:06 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Goose Poop said...

Oh Lord...Yowza!! You're braver than I'd ever be. Waxing the ho-ha? Not for this Goose!! Can't imagine...I'll stick with the razor, and let you get the waxing! Ain't no way girlfriend! =)

6/17/11, 9:31 AM  
Blogger Padded Cell Princess said...

Oh wow, oh wow! I am really going to have a hard time now walking through my town without thinking that these lovely Irish people could have great potential of waxing my naughty bits! I'm sure your child will go on to have a perfectly normal life but I may need therapy at just the thought of a sliced labia!!! Can you come up with a more bone chilling phrase of mutilation!?! Thanks for the laugh though! ;)

6/17/11, 9:47 AM  
Anonymous Missy | The Literal Mom said...

Oh Lord, I love you already and the only thing I've read is your tagline - that' the story of life 'round here! Thanks for coming by via Gigi. I'm going to become a follower, because that's how I roll. People pay attention to me and I start stalking them. It works. For me. :)

6/17/11, 10:38 AM  
Blogger Mommy Shorts said...

Oh dear lord, that is some funny stuff. As a Jew, that is the first time I have used the phrase "Oh dear lord" ever. Also as a Jew? None of us can utter the words— "blonde and not particularly hairy". It hurts like a bitch when it's dark thick and abundant. Oh my god, I've said too much.

Hope your 3yo isn't scarred for life!

6/17/11, 10:42 AM  
Blogger Diane said...

I would have to be heavily drugged to have my lady parts waxed! I'll stick with my razor but will be extra cautious from here on out because I think I would pass out cold and hit my head on the hard tile if I cut my labia!!! Holy Mother!

And your 3 year old walking in all skerd and demanding to know what she was doing to your not penis? Absolutely priceless! And let's just hope he doesn't retain this as one of his earliest childhood memories!

6/17/11, 11:19 AM  
Blogger Sunny said...

This was pretty much the most awesomest post I ever read. Sorry about your boo boo on your 'not penis.' Waxing is so rude. Thanks for sharing : )

6/17/11, 11:42 AM  
Blogger Mommy Nani Booboo said...

That's my most favorite story ever ever ever. I need a friend like that. My belly is so big I can't even see my "not penis" anymore. Pizza slice galore.

6/17/11, 11:49 AM  
Blogger Pearl said...

MAN but that kid is going to have a short story to write for his college lit class!!

Pearl

6/17/11, 12:09 PM  
Blogger Boobies said...

I cannot stop laughing! Your kid is probably as scarred as your right labia! Bwahaaaa! I've waxed the lady garden twice. Not a fan. I'll take my chances with my razor. Unless you're offering up Pinot & Percocets. ;)

6/17/11, 12:41 PM  
Blogger Natalie said...

That. Is the funniest shit EVER.

The only thing I can hope for you is that he's small & maybe he won't remember. I mean, I don't remember anything from when I was 3. But then again, I never saw my mommmy's not penis being violated by my friend's mom.

6/17/11, 12:45 PM  
Anonymous elzimmy said...

Hopefully he'll refrain from talking about your booboo on your 'not penis' out in public. Great post!

6/17/11, 12:48 PM  
Blogger KLZ said...

It'll keep him from playing doctor with other kids: count it as a blessing.

6/17/11, 1:26 PM  
Blogger Bethany @ Organic Enchilada said...

Oh, my hell. My friends are tragically unskilled.

6/17/11, 1:39 PM  
Blogger Ms.Wasteland said...

Bwahahahaha!!!! You'd better start buying stock to pay for his therapy.

6/17/11, 1:51 PM  
Blogger Elena said...

This is freaking hysterical! I had my hand over my mouth the first half of the post feeling your pain when you cut yourself. Ouch. I love "your not penis!" Boys!

6/17/11, 2:27 PM  
Blogger John said...

Bwahahahahaha!

Wow.

At first, I was going to say that I was super jealous of your new friend who you ask to look at your vagina on a regular basis, and I'm jealous of you because you get to hear a sexy brogue.

But, then, the not-penis. Wow. It sounds like a scene from the "Repressed Memories" Director's Cut of Hostel. Damn.

6/17/11, 2:42 PM  
Anonymous tulpen said...

That's awesome! I've never been waxed, always wanted to, never got around to it.

And 'Not penis?' way funnier than 'front bum' which is what my kids call it.

6/17/11, 2:42 PM  
Anonymous Ameena said...

Holy cow! I'm not sure if I'm feeling more sympathy to you for getting waxed or for your little one. I am pretty sure, however, that 3-year-old's can't remember anything!!

6/17/11, 3:37 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

I have no words for how much I love the term "no penis."

When I had my daughter, my son took a look at what she had going on and called it her "front butt."

We went with it. Which was all good until Jack told a guy in line at the grocery store,

"My mommy needs razors because she has a hairy butt."

Yeah.

Bring on the wine and percocet, lady. We can check each other until we're "long enough" and then hold hands through the ripping and the in-growns.

At least WE'LL be comforted.

The kids? Not so much...

6/17/11, 6:16 PM  
Anonymous Kimberly said...

I really should get done with the shaving and pull up my big girl panties and do the wax thing, but...Oh Gawd. I just don't think I can do it.

A good friend of mine's daughter calls the fuzz on her mom's lady bits "fur" - bwahahaha!

6/17/11, 6:27 PM  
Anonymous The Flying Chalupa said...

This is the best waxing story ever. That Irish really is a good friend. Helping to make your not penis look grand. But your poor kid. Too funny.

And have you convinced Julie from By Any Other Name to wax yet?

6/17/11, 6:48 PM  
Blogger the mombshell said...

holy fuck I just spit iced tea all over my laptop, TWICE!

6/17/11, 8:14 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

I'm dying here...just dying....

I don't know whether to high-five you or book a flight and befriend your new friend.

And the "not penis"? Oh, that's hysterical!

6/17/11, 8:55 PM  
Blogger Ann Imig said...

Owww Owww Owww Owwww. (The image searing into your child's brain).

6/17/11, 9:00 PM  
Anonymous CDG @ Move Over Mary Poppins! said...

Hahahahahahaheeheeehheeeheee....

Oh lord. Poor kid. But a brogued aesthetician in your neighborhood?

Now who's bragging?

6/17/11, 9:16 PM  
Blogger MamaMash said...

I couldn't figure out "pizza slice." And then I was like "Oh." And then I was all "Ewww."

And then you said sliced. farking. LABIA.

I passed out before I got to the end.

6/17/11, 9:27 PM  
Blogger hotpants™ said...

He is so going to remember that and tell someone about it. IN PUBLIC!

6/17/11, 9:46 PM  
OpenID talesfromtheviennawoods said...

ohm? hahaha first, your poor child! second,, yeah waxing? so far not ... thirdly, Irish brogue? yummy!

6/17/11, 9:56 PM  
Blogger The Blue Zoo said...

lmao just wait til he tells his pre school teacher about this!!

6/18/11, 4:55 AM  
Anonymous tracy@sellabitmum said...

See this is totally why I won't wax. LOL

6/18/11, 7:21 AM  
Blogger LLA_Princess said...

I get a Brazilian and can't ever imagine the boys walking in. trauma. serious trauma haha

6/19/11, 12:14 AM  
Blogger Jen said...

LOL!

This post is just too funny. Thanks for the laugh, momma.

6/19/11, 8:40 PM  
Blogger The Random Blogette said...

Oh wow! And slicing your labia? I would've never shaved again. I am totally jealous that you have your own personal waxer nearby. I would love to get waxed but I am sort of freaked out by it! Especially having hot wax so near to the lady parts.

6/20/11, 11:06 AM  
Anonymous Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him said...

I'm never eating a slice of pizza again, fucker!

(soooo funny, MK.)

6/21/11, 8:03 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Hyde said...

I came over here by recommendation from Annabelle and I'm glad I did. Funny as hell! I also just had a traumatic hair removal experience...


a bitch called mom

6/21/11, 11:56 AM  
Blogger Saucy B said...

oh dear God woman could that situation possibly have gone any worse?! ha ha ha
What a post!
The slicing and dicing of oneself - yowser!
But, the wine and percocet? oh you lucky bitch. that's cheating!
I usually get waxed during my lunch hour and would love to be half in the bag so i don't have to feel it or figure out who i need to fuck to get some lidocaine to numb myself.
Because I am not blonde and I am not un-hairy down there.

6/21/11, 9:39 PM  
Anonymous Sarahviz said...

Dying laughing.

6/22/11, 10:29 AM  
Blogger Lisa said...

So funny:)
I have never waxed. I am not brave.

6/22/11, 10:35 PM  
Blogger Laura Greene said...

Bwahahahaha, I love.this.post.

My girly bits are pretty easy to take care of. I must be lucky. Of course, I'm waaaay to shy to let anyone other than boyfriend-du-jour or Doctor see my hoo-ha.

6/27/11, 7:14 PM  
Blogger Laura Greene said...

Ok, well, maybe if Ewan MacGregor wanted to see my lady parts...yeah, I'd show him.

6/28/11, 4:45 PM  

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