Sometimes I really wonder about me

I’ve been busy working. I know, I know - you don’t believe I ever work, do ya?

Well I do.

So since I’m working and have lost my blojo - I now present you with:

Things that have actually come out of my piehole in the past few days.
I’ve been taking notes. Just for YOU!

“I NEVER joke about wine.”

“Who took my paper assholes!” *

“Will my kid ever shit on the toilet without announcing it to everyone within a 5 mile radius?”

“I’m getting a salad. With cheese, taco meat, guacamole and sour cream. It’s like a 5,000 calorie salad but it’s a SALAD!”

In response to a friend saying she ate stove top stuffing because it helps her migraines**: “I just ate a graham cracker. Topped with peanut butter. Topped with m&m’s. For no reason at all.”

A friend recently had abdominoplasty and asked me: “Um, why does my belly button look, all, um…”
Me: Like a cat’s ass? It totally looks like a cat’s ass doesn’t it?”

“I have to pee. And no that’s not code for “I am bored with your phone conversation.” If I don’t go now, it’s going to look like my food baby’s water broke.”





*those reinforcement circle things. For after you hole punch something. And need it in a binder. And need it not to get ripped. 'Tis from my auditing days. Ima total nerd.

**yes, stove top stuffing is the one and only thing that helps her migraines. and she'll eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner some days. Not gonna lie, I'm sorta skeeved out by this.