Oh, the places you will go.

I thought I’d share a few of the thoughts that rolled around my head during my most recent massage. Here goes...

“Welcome to the G-Spa, MommaKiss,”

Snort. It’s seriously called the G-Spa*. like g-spot. snort.

“I see you’ve chosen the deep-tissue massage today. Unless you have any questions, I’ll give you a moment to undress and lie face down on the table.”

Oooh, this room is nice. Moodily dark and smells all spa like. Ok. He looks good. Clean. I can totally relax.

And he has clean breath. More points.

Damn, why can I never get my face positioned right in these things. The circle thing. With a wash cloth all around it. Who makes this thing anyway.

K, think I’m in. One more little shift. My eyes are all squinty I’m smooshing my face in so hard.

Christ, my nose is so going to drip out of the hole here. Right onto the floor.

knock-knock. “All set MommaKiss?”

“yesh, ourff courvse. (I can’t speak because my head is buried in this towel padded head ring thing)”

Hope he doesn’t mind that I took my underwear off. I mean really, it’s a thong, there’s not much fabric there anyway. And they always tuck the sheet into the thong...Ooh, he just brushed my butt crack.

Listen, I love this ‘warm up’ routine, but get to the pressure already!

Ok. Ouch. That was big…knot…owie…OWIE…ok, it’s almost over. Deep breaths. Oh my god, this is going to bruise…

Whew. Onto the one on the other side.

Why do you get so much oil in my hair? Really? Goosebumps…oh, that feels good. I’ll just wash my damn hair.

He’s moving down the back.

My upper butt. He is really digging into the cheeks...how can there be knots in my ass? seriously? OUCH, holy mutherfuckin OW that hurt, but it's going to feel good after. I know it will. Is he using his elbow?
He’s not - Oh no, he’s going to touch my legs.

Actually massage my legs.

Oh the cellulite he’s going to see.

Well, really, I’m sort of in shape. I bet he’s seen worse. He’s seen worse. I’m sure he has.

This is no big deal – OMG, my toes just curled. That was good pressure right there. Wait, did his finger just brush my cooch? Just a little bit?

I mean – what now – the calf? Thank god I shaved my legs! God, can you imagine if some people are all hairy and nasty…

My other leg? Sweet jesus, this is making me uncomf…

My cooch! I swear as he’s kneading the back of my leg his finger brushed it again. Do I say something?

This could get awkward. In a good way

STOP THAT MommaKiss! He’s a professional! Which means, he’s a professional (smirk).

Oh I have to roll over now. Wherein my cooter will be face up? Hold that sheet higher, please! I’m all limp here and can’t roll that quickly.

Ok. On my back now. My drippy nose can drip back into my brain cavity while I…

My neck. You’re killing me with this neck massage. In a good way. Oh your hands..

Can he see that zit on my neck? God, why do I still get acne at 35? He must be able to see it. Or at least feel it. Christ. Move on – oh the arms…

Maybe you should go back to the neck. My forearm? Who knew that would feel so glorious. I have to stop playing on my blackberry so much, those forearm muscles are all tight and…

My upper leg.

Are you kidding me? You’re going to knead my thighs. And did you seriously just tuck that sheet in a little too far? My thigh. You’re too close – oh, that felt Good! I should do this more often.

I really should get a massage more often. Like once a month. Twice. I wonder how much it would cost to have someone come to me. How nice would that be? An in home masseuse…

My feet. He’s massaging my feet and I think I’ve died and gone to heaven. I swear to god, the things I would do to have this done at the end of every night I’d…

“Ok, MommaKiss, our time is up. I hope that everything was ok for you.”

It’s over? You’re done? You can’t be.

“Oh. Thank you, it was lovely.”

Gimme my water, I need to go take a nap.


*the room? in their overview page? that's the couples room. nice & dark, eh? it was pure bliss.