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Momma Kiss: Baby Steps

Momma Kiss

If momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Baby Steps

***morning after note. that was painful to read. i would fail any 9th grade english class. but i'm not changing it. deal, right? Also? The tile in that bathroom? Isn't it HIDEOUS? ugh.

Trying something new. Or, old, really, I used to do this a lot. Posting under the influence. I'll probably spelll check because ,well, the little red dashed line shows up when something is misspelled, but you know, other than that - I'm just going to write.

My Big Kiss will be 5 in June. FIVE. That in itself blows my mind. I mean, he's such a big kid, he strips himself nekked to take a shit, but delicately hangs his lil undies on the cabinet hook whilst doing so.

Any mother's dream.  That said?

I'm sad.

He's going to kindergarten in the fall. In 6 months. Well, in 5 months and 27 days. But who's counting.  And we had orientation tonight.  Just parents. Basic info. No kids. All of us sitting in the bad fluorescent lighted gym listening to the info and asking questions.

And me?


Fine. I was bawling

Don't judge me, assholes. I'm having a moment.

Anyway, we're sitting in this gym and mwuat mwua mwua mwuat mwuat (like the Charlie Brown teacher) information bla bla bla and then they play a slide show. Of kids smiling and playing and riding a bus and NOT WITH THEIR PARENTS!

Here's the thing. I'm not sure if I've shared this before. I never EVER thought I would be a mother. I was not one of those people who lived their life to "birth babies." I didn't ever feel like I needed a child to "complete me."

That said? Yah, I went to college, got a job, meet a man who 'worked,' got married...babies are the next logical step.

So whatever, I did the whole knocked up thing (swear to god, be thankful I didn't blog back then. you'd be subjected to many many many TMI entries and, well, ew), had my kid.

I was 31 when I had my first child. Working at a job I loved. Married to a man who loved me. And came home to a dog who sniffed my crotch every time I walked through the door. And came home to a baby. A baby. A screaming pink ball of gas.

I figured "I can do this. I'm smart. I'm capable. I can raise a human AND I make milk. What the fuck is your super power?"

Well that kid? In short order he changed my life. Any mom will tell you this. Whether they birth their baby or are unconventionally made a mom.  A kid. They love you unconditionally and without fault. A kid. Who can wrap his fat little hands around your heart and squeeze once in a while just to make sure you're paying attention. A kid. Who makes you laugh so hard you pee your pants and scream so much you think you're insane.

A kid.

A kid.

Well I now have 2 kids. And the first born is going to be in kindergarten and I will not be the person who is solely responsible for him at all times. He'll be on a bus. From kindy to daycare. At a time I'm assuming is somewhat consistent each day, but who knows? I won't be there to see him get on that bus.

He'll be making new friends. Going from a daycare of about 40 to a whole school of 180. Recess.  Lunch.  Gym.  All of this. My kid will do it. Without me.

And that, folks, is what made me cry today. I don't want to let go. That little fucker came into my world and wrapped himself so tightly around my heart and soul I can't believe I was ever EVER questioning being a mother.


It's only March. I have 5 months and 27 days to get my shit together so that I don't cry on his first day.  Just lie to me and tell me it'll be ok and my kid will be ok.



Blogger Val said...

It will be okay. And that lil fucker kiss will be okay too. :)

And that last part? Totally not a lie. He will be fine. He'll love it and thrive and make friends, and love his teacher, and trip on the playground then get back up and keep playing. He will be great.

You on the other hand... ;)

3/11/10, 2:15 AM  
Blogger Leigh said...

It WILL be okay. It is also to cry on that first day of school - you won't be the only one. Wish he were at my school - I'd totally be looking out for him.

3/11/10, 5:59 AM  
Anonymous Ellie said...

Can I just say that I love that he strips naked to go to the bathroom, but hangs up his underwear? That's the cutest thing, ever.

And, yeah, I was a mess when my first kid went to kindergarten. Which was odd, because I was so desperate to get a little piece of my life back I *thought* I couldn't wait for her to go to school, but when the time came I didn't want her to go.

I hindsight, though, I don't think it was because I was afraid something would happen to her. I think it was because my identity had gotten so wrapped up in being her Mom I was a little afraid of my own next step.

Anyway, I relate. And you'll do some more bawling before you're done. :)


3/11/10, 8:32 AM  
Blogger Trina said...

It will be all ok. Promise. I've sent two to school on their first day and survived. Actually I didn't even cry which is weird because I'm such a crier anyway...hmm. What's wrong with me? Anyway, it WILL be ok. Promise.

3/11/10, 9:48 AM  
Blogger The mad woman behind the blog said...

Momma, you make ME cry when you write about the lil fucker grabbing on to your heart. How do these little shits do that?

5 months, 27 days...that's enough time to invent a time machine, right? Really just a time suspender or time freezer. Come on, you're smart. Get crackin!
But I understand if it takes you 3 years and 5 months, but thats the final deadline!

3/11/10, 11:05 AM  
Blogger JenJen said...

hi Dammit
Oh honey. You will watch him go, and have a mimosa. It will be okay. He's not leaving you--you'll be amazed at how smart he is--and proud at how he interacts with his teachers.
I promise.
YIB...and? I'd totally do you.

3/11/10, 6:17 PM  
Blogger Frugal Vicki said...

I am all with you! I bawl all the time, latest was because little man turned three. How the hell that could have happened I DON'T know.

Can't we just keep them little just a little longer?

3/11/10, 7:27 PM  
Anonymous Laurie said...

Oh sweetie I so wish I could lie to you and say it will be easy on the first day and that you had your cry. If you are like me though? You'll cry the first day and maybe the first week and maybe even more than that. The good news is that it was easier for the second kiddo, lol!

3/11/10, 11:04 PM  
Blogger Cristin said...

Oh, I freaked the fuck out when mine went to school too. The little ass holes just have to grow up and stumble out of the nest don't they?

I am also well versed in the art of blogging under the influence.. liberating experience that...

(also been known to *ahem* comment under the influence)

3/12/10, 8:28 PM  

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