Is your heart happy?

Friday morning I had the worst case of working mom's guilt. It's a constant battle.

I work because I enjoy it (most of the time) and we're used to living on a double income. Where I live (Boston area) is wicked expensive...salaries are high, but the cost of living is higher. Anyway, I am a professional and usually enjoy what I do. I also don't think I'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. I seriously don't. It's the hardest job in the world and I believe those that do stay home w/ their kids are severely underpaid. But for my own situation, I feel like I would cheat my kids out of the experience they're getting at daycare. Big Kiss is so social and learns so much every single day. And Little Kiss is going to be the same, I can just see it.

Aaaaannnnyyyyyway, Friday morning I was dropping off Big Kiss and he didn't even want to go into his room. He fell to the floor and was kicking and screaming. I'm talking picture-perfect straight-from-the-dictionary tantrum. Usually it's a quick episode and he figures it out. But this one had no end in sight. So I went about putting his stuff away, watching the other kids plug their ears while they looked at him like he's a complete nutter. After about 20 minutes he calmed down, we got his breakfast out and he started eating. I gave him a kiss and said I'd pick him up after work and then it started all over again. And I just had to leave. And felt like a complete asshole. All I wanted to do was take my kid home and be with him. He just wanted his mommy. Even tho I knew he'd be over it like 2 minutes after I left, it just broke my heart. So I said good bye and heard him crying as I walked out the door.

I walked straight to the car and started sobbing myself. I could have stayed with him longer. I could have taken the day off to be with him. But neither of those would have solve anything other than my guilts. I cried all the way to work.

Got thru my day and then on the way to pick up the kids, I got stuck in traffic (because of an accident, fucking rubber neckers). So I was bawling again. I just wanted to see them. When I got there, Big Kiss just looked at me asked what was wrong. Such a sensitive boy! I said nothing, let's head home. And at home I bent down to ask him why he was crying in the morning and he said he just wanted his mommy. (gulp). I said I was sad to leave him but I had to go to work and that I was very happy to see him. He asked how my day was and I told him it was much better now that I was home with him and Little Kiss. He said "you're heart's not sad anymore?" (another gulp). I said no, my heart was happy and he said he wanted to see and yanked my shirt down.

Ahhhh, kids.