Momma Kiss

Friday Flip Offs 7-15

2011-07-15T10:57:00.001-04:00

I didn't plan to Flip shit off today, but DAMMIT, I have to!

Don't know what Friday Flip Offs are? Well. What I do is post my grievances on Friday so that I can enjoy the weekend, hopefully guilt free. Yah? Yah. OK - so join in if you want. Grab a button. I'll even try to get that linky working again. [not the most technically sophisticated kid here.]

So my only flip off today?

TO MYSELF! My kid lost his 5th tooth yesterday. He's now lost 3 on top, 2 on the bottom. And he knows the tooth fairy routine. [Check this pic of the day he lost his first toof - he's fucking cute.]

Anyway. We use a super special dish for the teeth. It's from Mr. Kiss' gramma, it's the perfect size and we put it on the dresser. Who the hell fishes for teeth under a pillow? Jeesh. So he went to bed, excited about getting money. And then so did I.

I heard him wake up, heard the glass dish open, heard it close and smacked my forehead.

I. Forgot. To Put. The Money in.

Mind you, Mr. Kiss could have done it himself. But he didn't. So we both forgot. But WTF, there's another Flip Off. WHY is it that I take all the guilt? Whatever.

The thing is, this kid is such a schmoopy happy boy. He's generally well behaved. And he is SO into this crap. The tooth fairy, Santa, The Elf on the Shelf, Easter Bunny. Cripes, I could create a fictional person like a Master Pooper Scooper or something and he would probably believe in it.

And that is magical to me.

And I fucked up.

My solution to this fuck up is to recruit a friend [Thank You Poppy] to call my phone today and leave a message pretending to be the tooth fairy, saying she was sorry and too busy or something. I'll play that message for Big Kiss later on when I pick him up. Hopefully he buys it - and bet your ass he's getting double tonight.

There. I do feel a little better. A little. Tell me it's ok, even if you have to lie to me.

If this works, feel free to link up! I promise to visit - love me some Flips!

Juicy - Smoooth Skin!

2011-07-15T10:56:00.000-04:00

Today's Juice in the City Deal is for over half off Microdermabrasion.

(say that 3x fast!)

Although this gorgeous girl probably doesn't need it, I would LOVE to have this service. My "mature" skin would soak it right up.

You pay just $35 for a $75 value at Tropical Haven in Rosenberg, TX.

Details: Limit 1 per person, Expires January 15, 2012, gratuity not included (tip for good service, kids!) and if not cancelled within 24 hours, JITC code will be void.

Hope someone gets their smooth skin on! Click HERE to buy!

sponsored post. sharing the love, kids. sharing the love.

WTF Weds 7-13-11

2011-07-13T07:16:00.001-04:00

That's right, Poppy. I'll show you for blocking my ass on twitter. I'm wearing these during the 3 Day.

You'll be forever known as "The Cookie Monster's Team Mate!" HAHAHAHAHAHA

#maniacallaughter
#can'tstop
#9FuckingDays!
#loveyourface

Go link up with Hank's little "makid" ass, will ya? It's WTF Wednesday, y'all!

I make cute kids. Rockin the Babies!

2011-07-11T14:18:00.000-04:00

Lil Miss Shell - she's such an evil genius. Last month, she had us Rockin' our Bumps.

What does that lead to? Rockin' the babies!!

I did love my big fat pregnant belly, both times - but gotta admit, the results are a lot cuter. Cue the tears as I spun through the millions of pictures of my babies. Take a looksee for yourself.

Big Kiss at his first July 4th Party. 4 weeks old.

Big Kiss at 9 weeks. His cheeks remain...

Big Kiss at 5ish months. Lobstah!!

OK - seriously my fave pic from his first year. Ever.
Big Kiss almost 6 mos. I had to hold him up.

Lil Kiss at 6 days old. He was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia.
We were in for 10 days :(

He's all - pneumonia can't keep me down, back the Eff up, yo.

Same Lobstah costume. Lil Kiss 2 mos old.

I mean, come on! Lil Kiss 4ish mos old.

Juicy Deal - Mimosa Rose

2011-07-11T14:05:00.003-04:00

Isn't that the prettiest name? I mean, it had me at "Mimosa," but you know.

Today's deal is for $0 for $20 in Gifts at Mimosa Rose in Katy, TX.

I always love when I can find a great little boutique with fun gifts to stock up on. Like this thank you gift:

The scoop: You can buy 1 per person, expires January 11, 2012 and excludes tax.

Hope someone can take advantage of this offer - it's a steal! Click here to buy!

sponsored post, sharing the love kids, sharing the love.

Friday Flip Offs! It's time

2011-07-08T05:05:00.000-04:00

That's Right, Kids.

Friday Flip Offs are back.

I think my last one was in April, the day that my husband was laid off. Because of the fucking French. Anyway - lots has been going on and I think it's time to share the angst! Let out all of your frustration and Flip Shit Off on Friday so that you can enjoy your weekend.

Let's Do It!

(I even have a button!)

First, I'd like to give a huge middle finger salute to my sister. Who once again has proven what a cuntbagtwatwaffle she truly is. I recently spent 10 days with her daughter, and though I wasn't fishing for dirt, at all, I learned that her mother (CBTWSister) is trying to manipulate this kid for money. Out of the utmost respect for my niece, who is one of the most genuine, smart, kind, gorgeous people I know, I won't go further. Other than to say that karma's a bitch, CBTWSister. You'll get yours one day. It's sad, truly sad, but you will.

Second Flip Off? Adult Acne. I admit I'm an old bitch. I'm 36 . And it's not raging cystic acne, no, but still. I get those underground pimples. Typically right in the corner of my nose or near my hair line [fucking summer heat].

Exhibit A:

Yah. Right there. The size of Russia. Can you see it from your house? [don't mind my hair, I had just gone for a walk and was all schweaty].

While we're at it? I'd also like to say Fuck You to aging skin. Dayum, I finally got serious about sunscreen last year - but can't get rid of those sun spots on my cheeks. Fuckers.

Exhibit B:

To my fucked up pinky toes. I double finger flip you off. I am walking and walking to prep for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk. [DONATE HERE!!! you knew I'd get that in there, right?] My legs are ready. Even my chub rub, thanks to Body Glide, which I intend to own stock in, the shit's so awesome. Anyway, my pinky toes, they just curl right under their neighbor toes and get crushed. So I use moleskin, blister bandaids and even dry fit toe socks. Yes, click that, it's a picture of said socks and it's fun. I will NOT let sore feet stop me from walking 60 miles in 3 days. I won't. If they need to be cut off, so be it, I'll finish this walk because, together with my teammate Poppy, we've raised over $6,500. InFuckingCredible, right??? We are. And my toes better not fucking let me down.

Finally, Flip off to money worries.

Truly. This one is focused on my momma, though - she recently moved from MT to WI - which was good for her - but hasn't found a job yet and social security isn't covering her monthly expenses. Can I be honest, Kids? She is the very reason I said yes to help promote Juice In the City. Not only are they a kick ass company of moms helping moms, but any money I'm making on sponsored posts? All for my Momma. It's the least I can do. So while I'm saying Fuck Off to money worries, I'm saying THANK YOU for putting up with me pimpin' deals for Juice.

this linky code should work - let's pray, eh?

JITC - Oink Cluck!

2011-07-08T05:03:00.000-04:00

HA!! I couldn't resist sharing this Missouri City, TX deal with you...The name of the place??

Hoggs n' Chicks!

Get it? Oink? Cluck? Come on people, laugh at me!

Ok - details - you pay $7 for $15 worth of food at Hoggs n' Chicks (snort!) Limit 1 per person, only 100 available so hurry up! Valid at these 2 Missouri City locations: Sienna Shopping Center and Township Square. Excludes tax, gratuity and alcoholic beverages

(this place serves booze? Awesome!)

Click here to buy

Would you mind reporting in on the pulled pork sliders with chipotle mayo? Please??!!

Yum

sponsored post, sharing the love kids, sharing the love.

JITC - Tutti Frutti Fro Yo!

2011-07-07T09:03:00.002-04:00

Today's Juice in the City Deal is from Tutti Frutti Frozen Yogurt in Kingsland, TX.

I love fro yo, especially in the summer when I'm all hot & sticky. Uh huh ;) And I'm told there are "a zillion and one toppings!" Whoa!

For my friends in the Houston area, this deal is good for a 50% discount on a treat: $5 for $10 worth of the Tutti Frutti frozen yogurt.

Fine print: Expires 1/7/12, limit one per person, good only at Kingsland, TX location. Excludes tax.

Click here to buy! - deal ends today [7.7.11].

Sponsored post. Sharing the love, kids. Sharing the love.

WTF WW 7.6.11

2011-07-06T06:49:00.005-04:00

I'ma be a guest at SellabitMum's tomorrow (i think it's tomorrow) - Sharing some of my MinneSOHtah Memories...check it out! UPDATE, I'll be there on Friday. Silly MommaKiss. Silly.

I'm a genius.

2011-07-03T12:11:00.000-04:00

I know it's a long weekend up in here, and if I have my way, I'll be outside by the pool for ALL of it.

So I'm scheduling this - an idea to share. I'm nice like that.

We have a birthday party to go to on Saturday. It's actually one of the kids who came to Big Kiss' 6th birthday party - he fell in love with the place (mini golf, how awesome, right??)

Big Kiss is stoked and it's one of his buddies that goes to a different school - we don't see them much.

Today I was out for lunch and remembered I had to get a gift. Sadly, it didn't fit in our schedule to have my kid shop with me for his friend. He'll have to get over that.

I'm wandering the aisles of Toys R Us, picked something simple and then went to get a gift bag. Found the wall of bags, and every single one? Over $4. Four Bucks? For a throwaway bag?? And those were the plain ones, the ones with cartoons and shit all over them were at least $6.

I'm not cheap - but just couldn't see spending that kind of money on a bag the kid will rip up and toss within 2.2 seconds.

And then. I turned around and saw them. Reusable bags! Cute ones! AND?? Only $1.29!

Tossed the gift inside - Big Kiss will make a card - Buddy will get a bag to carry his swim crap around. Or his toys. Or whatever, I don't care.

Cute right?

I'm a genius. I know it.

Hope y'all are having a fab weekend like me (don't be jealous).

God Bless America!

My Supercalifragilistic Girl A.

2011-07-01T09:33:00.000-04:00

So yah. My Girl A. The one who was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer less than a year ago. The one who got herself thru 8 rounds of chemo this past winter. The one who had 38 (ish?) radiation treatments. The one who has Kicked Cancer’s Ass. That Girl?

Well. Let me just share a lil’ bit of an update. She’s feeling incredible. We’ve had some dinners, sleepovers, walks with her dog…she’s made her annual trip working for an out of state Golf Tournament – as well as a crazy week away with me to chill poolside and sight see in Savannah.

She’s feeling strong. Has been working with her personal trainer since February, continued her Pilates class throughout all of her treatment, ran two 5k races and signed herself up for the Disney Marathon in January. She is also the one responsible for signing me up for the Warrior Dash (which we did this past weekend). As we sloshed through miles of mud and jumped over fire and crawled over 30foot high walls – we were mostly smiles and enjoying ourselves. After one super hard, super muddy incline, she got to the top and said “I’d take chemo over that ANY day.”

Now that’s a Warrior, eh?

I’m so so so proud of her.

And of you people, for reading my words about my very best friend.

comments may not be working, bloggerthedouchebag! e-mail me if you feel the need to chat... mommakiss02@gmail.com

Juicy Deal - FlattenMe Books

2011-07-01T09:31:00.000-04:00

The latest Juice in the City Deal is $14 for a Personalized Photo Storybook by Flattenme!

People.

This is a SUPAH bargain!

Flatten Me has award winning books, birthday party invitations, Christmas cards and gifts as seen on The View, Good Morning America, and the Today Show.

Details: You pay $14 for a personalized story book (value starts at $27.95). It's an 8x10 keepsake-quality hardcover storybook, sure to bee your kid's fave. I would buy the pirate book for my boys - I may just have to indulge... Expires July 1, 2012; Limit 1 per person.

Don't you want to read and REread for your kid every night? Don't lie, you know you do.

Deal is good from Friday 6/30 to Saturday 7/2 only. Click here to buy.

sponsored post. sharing the love, kids. sharing the love.

A Juicy Reminder - Coming to Boston!

2011-06-30T14:51:00.005-04:00

Remember that post I wrote letting you all know that Juice in the City is coming to Boston? NO?? Do you NOT commit to memory every. single. word. I type? Fine. Well, it’s here, if you’d like a refresher (you know you do – and – Ahem – one of the JITC founders commented on that one. Uh huh.)

My thoughts in that post still ring true, even as my Momma still struggles with expenses. And Mr. Kiss still hasn’t found a job (up to appx 130 rejections now). We had to install a new furnace. The ‘old’ car didn’t pass inspection, so more money had to be spent just to drive it away. Expenses. Money issues. Sigh.

Anyjuice, a reminder to any Boston Moms who would be interested in becoming a Local Business Consultant for Juice in the City – check them out. Especially if you’re in the Brookline/Newton/North End areas. If you’re familiar with your community, know of some great local hot spots and places to go – give this a shot. The info is here – and yes, like I said before, it says MAKE MONEY!

Moms helping moms. Nothing better.

You can follow Juice in the City on twitter @jitcboston and their facebook page. When Boston's deals are up and running, please subscribe!

sponsored post. sharing the love, kids. sharing the love.

also - comments may or may not be working. blogger is being a total assclown.

WW 6.29

2011-06-29T23:10:00.001-04:00

#family
#unconditionallove
#i'mSOgonnamissher
#blubberingidiot
#don'tmindme

WTF Wordless Wedensday 6-22

2011-06-22T12:15:00.002-04:00

Remember MJ -jitc deal

2011-06-22T12:03:00.002-04:00

Who loves Michael Jackson? Well here's a deal for you.

See Foreverland (a Michael Jackson tribute band) for just $12! They'll be performing at The Fox Theater in Redwood City, CA. Website here: FOX Theater.

Details: The tickets are for the show on June 25, 2011 - MJ attire encouraged. $12 gets you a ticket, that's a 60% discount! Present JITC Deal Code print out for entry. Deal is here.

Hope some of you go, and PUH-LEEZE send pictures!

Not gonna lie, I wish I were in the area. I'd have my black skinny pants & glove ready to go.

Thrillah!!

sponsored post. sharing the love kids, sharing the love.

Happy Birthday Bro's

2011-06-19T18:25:00.003-04:00

Today I'm re-posting something that I wrote 2 years ago. 2 years ago to the day. Today is weird for me. It's Father's Day. And I am glad that my children have a kick ass father. And Mr. Kiss has a kick ass father. And we celebrated them. But I don't really remember my father. My 3 older brothers were more "father figures" than anything. I miss my brothers. And so I'm sharing this from 2 years ago - the new words just wouldn't come today...

###

42 years ago, my brother K was born. He was the 3rd of my mother's eventual 6 children.

On his 9th birthday, while he tried to enjoy a day at the lake, he instead got the gift of a little brother. Yep, my bro P, the 6th kid, ruined K's birthday. Or made it the best b-day ever, I'm not sure, I was little.

I'm the 5th of 6 kids. P and I were thick as thieves when we were little. Our 4 older siblings were each two years apart, wait six years, I'm pretty sure I was 'whoops' then Momma had P to keep me company. We were the 'little' kids. The babies. Our siblings took care of us, teased us, threw us around, taught us, parented us.

When I was a senior in high school, Momma had an amazing opportunity for a new job. It was midway through the school year - my senior year - and there was NO way I wanted to move. So, in a decision I know must have been so hard for her - she let me and P stay - alone - in our house and moved 3 hours away because this job just wouldn't wait.

I worked part time, drove P around to his sports and such. I had my first experience with being a 'mom' even tho I'm not sure I was very happy about it. But it was the best choice for us. It was a family decision. And P and I made it through.

The next year he was Junior in HS and moved to live w/ Mom, while I moved to Montana to live w/ my sister. I worked 3 jobs, enjoyed being free, and 'sewed some oats' before deciding I didn't want to work like that for the rest of my life so I moved back close to home and started college.

One Monday morning, a cold cold January morning, P went for a ride with his girlfriend. Turns out, it was the last ride of his life. He was 17. He was a senior in high school. He was too young.

I was in college, on winter break, actually, staying w/ a friend. Mom had to track me down. Actually the sheriff tracked me down because my mother was understandably not well.

The past 16 years have been - well - they've been.

Sadly, life moves on. I got married, without my little brother present. My husband didn't get to meet P - my best friend on earth. I had kids, without my little brother present. My kids don't know their Uncle P - in person. My first son is named for my brother, yet he'll never know, really know, what kind of guy he was. He'll hear more and more stories, but because of some icy roads and a mini-van driver not paying attention, he only has pictures of his Uncle.

Thankfully, I'm not sad today. Today I remember my brother and remember his birthdays growing up. I also think of my older brother, and wonder if his birthdays have ever been the same. He had to share from the time he was 9. And since 1994, is he reminded that his kid brother should be celebrating w/ him? I don't know.

I called my mom today. I plan to call K later. And I will sing Happy Birthday to my brothers, both of them.

Love you P! Hope God gives you lots of free time today!

###

Today P would be 35. K is 44. Happy Birthday Brothers. One on earth and one with God. I love you both.

Juice Deal - $40 for a massage!

2011-06-19T18:00:00.001-04:00

For the Northern Cali readers, what a killer deal!

The Juice in the City Deal of the Day for Monday 6/20 is 50% off a 1 hour Swedish massage at The Massage Garage.

If I could afford it, I'd get a massage every single week.

Details: You pay $40 for an $80 value 1-hour Swedish Massage. The Massage Garage is in Walnut Creek, CA. Once purchased, the coupon will expire on December 20, 2011. Limit 3 per person (1 for you, may purchase 2 as a gift). Excludes gratuity [tip for good service, kids!]. To use coupon, appointment required. 24-hour Cancellation Policy: JITC Deal Code will be void if an appointment is missed without canceling or rescheduling 24 hours in advance. Don't be rude, right?

Deal ends tomorrow - good luck! Massage Garage Deal

sponsored post. sharing the love, kids. sharing the love.

Let's talk about waxing

2011-06-16T22:33:00.000-04:00

Let’s talk about waxing.

No, not waxing poetic. Not that. The hot wax that rips the hair off of your body.

That waxing.

I should preface this by saying I’m blond. And not particularly, um, hairy. Ok? Got that?

But I do like to trim the bushes, ya know? I do not like rockin’ the pizza slice. And I used to do it by myself. Then one day a new family moved into the neighborhood and the ‘established’ ‘hood mommas invited this new momma over for drinks. New Momma is Irish. Doesn’t everyone just want to sit and listen to that Irish brogue for hours? Well I could. Long story short, on the very evening that we met, I had to share the story of how I had an “incident” shaving down below.

She asked me to expand. Fine – I sliced right up my labia. I did. And it bled like a motherfucker. And then I had to wash off the shaving cream. And I screamed like a banshee. Twice.

As she watched me with that “I’m fucking horrified face,” I thought I was a goner. She’s probably thinking Who are these people and why am I in her basement? But no – she then told us that she’s an esthetician. Has been schooled by Elizabeth Grady. Since having her twins, she doesn’t work there anymore, but does offer services out of her home. And she said she’d help me so that I’d never be slicing and dicing my lady bits, ever again.

Now that’s the definition of a new friend. Sign me up.

Of course, after signing up, you have to wait a while. I had to let it grow. Out. A lot. I had the pizza slice. I hated it. Every time I’d see Irish, I’d say “Will you come check, is it long enough yet?” Yah, she was SO happy she befriended me. She’s wicked cool, though. Didn’t mind checking. Heh.

Finally the day arrived where I was to experience my first ever waxing. We planned to have dinner, too – you know, foreplay before she lured me to the basement to commence the hair ripping.

I was quite impressed with the set up. She has that big chair that you lie down on (the kind like when you get a facial), wax heating, gloves. All professional and stuff. I’m not typically shy by any means, and wasn’t on this night either, but I was a bit afraid of the actual ripping part. The pain of it.

Which is why I had 3 glasses of wine and a Percocet.

Didn’t feel a thing.

She chatted the whole time which also helped the situation. I’m telling ya, that brogue. She could have asked me to watch her kids for 3 weeks and I’d probably have said yes. Instead she just kept asking questions while applying melted wax to my hoo hah. I’d answer and then she’d peel that wax right off all quick like. Then, poof. Gone. Easy peasy.

Anywax, I see her quite often – for non ‘appointment’ type fun stuff. Our kids hang out. We do lunch. We’re very good friends. And when I need a touch up, I just pop in and we get it done.

Well.

This last time, the only way we could mesh our schedules was to have a playdate. Ok, whatever, no problem. 4 children 6 and under? They can keep themselves busy for 15 minutes right?

We go to the basement – and her set up has changed a bit – they’re redoing the room, so the chair is in the unfinished part. You know, like bare walls, stuff hanging around. Dangling lights. Well I’m all unclothed from the waist down, she’s going at it, ripping and I’m all doing the “sssssss” thing thru my teeth and grabbing the side of the chair. We’re almost done, when she noticed a small ingrown hair, and because she’s a professional and all, she couldn’t leave it be. So she was extracting that. It hurt like a sonofabitch, but I know out is better, so I screetched “just get it out!”

my view: [yes, that's my knee]

And then.

My 3 year old walked in.

Just as I’m all tense and laying naked on a chair and Irish is bent over me with gloves on and the room is bare and the dangly lights. He stared at me for a minute, saw some blood, stared at me again and then started screaming. A crying scream. “What is she doing to your Not Penis?**!” “I’m SKERD!” GAWD! I had to tell him that I was ok, that I had a boo boo that Irish was helping me with, that I was not hurt.

Oh lord, do I have enough savings for this child’s therapy? I doubt it. Seriously doubt it.

Especially because he still asks to see my boo boo on my ‘not penis.’

**click that link, it's damn funny

NY pizza in CA!

2011-06-16T15:48:00.004-04:00

I know some of you are in this area of Cali-Forn-I-A - *cough* Wowiee & Mad Woman *cough*

The Juice in the City Deal of the Day in San Jose, CA is for Bibo's New York Pizza.

I love me some pizza. And I LOVE New York style pizza. The deal even says it, you'll love it so much, you won't notice the cheese dripping down your chin (I was so going to say that myself. I totally was)

You Cali kids, take this opportunity to try it, you know want to.

Details:

You pay $10 for $20 worth of Bibo's Pizza. Once purchased, the coupon will expire on November 15, 2011. Limit 2 per person (1 for you, may purchase 1 as a gift). Excludes tax and gratuity (tip your waiter, people!) and not valid on delivery.

I'm drooling...

Hurry, deal ends in approximately 10 hours! Click HERE!!

sponsored post. sharing the love, kids. sharing the love.

Rockin' the Bump

2011-06-13T11:14:00.003-04:00

This hot chick Shell? I forget how the hell she came up with this idea - but she's got a bunch of people sharing pictures of their Baby Bumps.

No, I'm not currently pregnant, nor will I ever be again - but when I WAS with child, I took lots of pictures. I said before, thank the sweet baby jesus I didn't blog back then, or you'd have been grossed out by the amount of pictures I had. I mean, really, you know I would have shared.

Over sharer. That's me.

This is the post I shared a couple of years ago: Rub the Buddah.

I totally loved my big fat pregnant belly. I'm way short, too - so my kids had nowhere to go but out. And I mean OUT.

Just a sample, there's a few more on the actual post.

With the second kid, I made a t-shirt that said "Oh Boy." Oh boy, indeed. #large

Thanks for hosting, Shell - I'll be bumping around later.

HA!
Bumping!
For Bumps!
HA!

I'm done now.

Momma Juice? Maybe more...

2011-06-13T10:03:00.006-04:00

Raise your hand if you're excited that it's Monday.

All 3 of you with your hands up, go away. You're not my kind of people. I need more weekends in my life. Like life full of weekends. Seriously.

Anyway.

I've been thinking a lot about money. How we're cutting some costs because Mr. Kiss is still unemployed. Don't get me wrong, we're thankful to have been a dual income family prior to his lay off...many don't have that second salary to help them out. But the thing is, we don't spend a ton to begin with. I'm pretty frugal, get lots of clothes at Target or second hand shops. But our little treats like nice dinners and baby sitters are going to have to be put on hold for a while.

Also, My Momma needs help financially and I told her I could do it. I have to do it. I owe her for all of the sacrifices she made to raise us. But helping her is going to be a bit tricky now. Mr. Kiss doesn't really understand this reverse support, he's never had to be in the situation to "want" for things. Ever. So I have to figure that out.

I have a point. Promise.

I've been reading a lot about this awesome company - Juice in the City. It's a unique daily deals site, think Groupon or the like - but it's totally local. For the small businesses in the city. Juice in the City was founded by two moms on Mother's Day in 2010. Each city has teams made up of moms who source deals based on their personal experience...not just companies who hire teams that have never set foot in the businesses they represent.

I love this: "We believe in supporting the local economy while at the same time, empowering moms!"

Juice [for short, heh] has been featured in USA Today, talk about a genius idea. They have teams in many cities already and are looking to expand. That's right, Juice in the City is coming to Boston.

I know some of you readers live in Boston(-ish) like me...Juice is looking for Local Business Consultants in the Brookline/Newton/North End and Beacon Hill area. If you're interested in becoming consultant, Juice in the City asks that you are familiar with the local community, the local hot spots and the places to go. I think that the key point is that spending money in the community means the money STAYS in the community.

Ok - my point. Thinking about money. I really wish there was something like this when my Momma was struggling to raise her 6 kids while going to college. She's always been a true promoter of local shops, even owned her own bakery. Since this wasn't around then (shame) here's hoping that this great company may be able to help some of you!

Want to work from home? If you're interested in becoming a local business consultant, check this out - Make Money!

Yes, it says "Make Money!"

On that note, I'm going to be promoting the deals with Juice in the City - so I need to tell you I'm getting paid. Moms helping Moms. That's pretty awesome.

You can follow Juice in the City on twitter @jitcboston and their facebook page. When Boston's deals are up and running, please subscribe!

Back to life, back to reality…

2011-06-09T11:45:00.002-04:00

I call bullshit.

I don’t want to be back to reality. Alas, it happens. I’m doing highlights of my past week, how’s that for fun?

Friday night we had The Mother of all Birthday Parties for my 6 year old. We ended up with 21 kids. Most parents dropped off. It was I.N.S.A.N.E. With a capital Holy Fuck. In the end, we escaped without injury, my child received gifts galore and everyone had a blast. The kids, that is. Jury’s still out for Mr. Kiss and I.

Saturday – off to Savannah with my girl A. In bullet form –

She knew someone on the flight crew, which warranted free everything. Including a bottle of wine to go.
The Westin spa and resort in Savannah is mofo Huge. And luxurious. With the ‘heavenly’ beds.
Sunday morning, on our way across the river, the temp gauge near the water ferry read 100.2. I took a picture just before that at 100.0 I don’t ‘deal’ with that kind of wet heat very well.
Which lead us to Wet Willies. And Naked Willies. That’s all.
Paula Deen’s restaurant Lady & Sons? Highly overrated. I felt like my forehead was sweating butter by the time we left. Alligator Soul, on the other hand, divine. I even ate alligator.
If you don’t reapply sunblock every 2.2 seconds, you may get a sunburn. On only half of your ass. There are pictures. They will not be shown.
Cab drivers in Savannah are, um, sketchy. Mine was missing teeth and was barefoot. And he belched. And didn’t say ‘skuze me. HeebieJeebies.
I do not like Irish Car Bombs. But I can drink one to prove a point.
I gained a gay husband and he’s divine. I also learned of an iphone app called Grindr [no E]. Look it up.
60-ish year old, slightly overweight women should not wear gauzy-see-thru white tops. Especially without a bra. There were nipples a flyin’!
A is a machine. That girl can dance and party like nobody’s business. Tuesday night I had to leave her in the bar so I could get a few hours of sleep before my flight on Wednesday. She’s still there, conferencing it up. In Georgia, that is. I’m not sure if she’s still in the bar or not. It could happen.
Coming home to temps hotter than Africa was pretty painful. Our AC is still broken. It’s going to be a breezy 100-ish today. And the kid’s kindy school? No AC. Or fans even. I’m tempted to go break him out and bring him to work, where I have a heater on at my desk.

Probably won’t happen, though – I have to meet a friend for lunch.

Selfish bitch, ain’t I?

I'm outta here.

2011-06-03T09:47:00.003-04:00

Friday, I’m in Love. That’s right, no angst or flip offs.

Half day of work for me today. “Work.” Then I get to go wrangle 159 balloons into my car, pick up a cake, put together tablecloths and napkins and other goodies for my kid’s birthday party. The weather is FAB for this event, this – his first ever “real” party with friends. Not too hot, not too cold, no rain. Mini-golf tourney is gonna rock. And then pizza, cake and homemade sundaes after? Dood, Big Kiss knows how to party.

I’ll be refraining from cake, though. Yep. So here’s the deal. I’m on a medically monitored diet. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired every 3 weeks or so. I’m not sleeping well (unless I drug myself), stressed out, have the belly fat that comes with not sleeping and stress. I needed help and finally got some. It’s not some “buy our food” or “drink this shake” program, or even counting calories…it’s a simple You must eat breakfast, x amount of protein at every meal and tons of veggies. The first couple of weeks, I’ve avoided whites (sugar, rice, potatoes, etc.) & fried foods. I’ve been really good and it’s actually giving me life style changes. Not just a quick fix.

They also recommend this powder in a jug of water once a day: Macro Greens.

It’s the equivalent of like 5 servings of raw veggies or something. I swear to god it’s even tasty. But holy shit.

No, I mean it. I’ve had to have a conversation with my colon begging it not to blow before I get to the bathroom.

They also provide a B-12 shot, I honestly have no fucking clue what it does, but I yanked up my pants and they shot me in the ass. I felt like an athlete getting steroids. Isn’t that what they thought they were getting? B-12? But it was really human growth hormone? Whatever, doc says get the shot, I took the shot.

I am sleeping better and have lost a few pounds off the gubba, so I’m happy I’m sticking to it.

Which brings me to my next dilemma. Vacation. Hell Yes, I’m taking a chic vaca, leaving tomorrow. My girl A and I are going to Savannah. We went there like 9 years ago and totally loved it. That trip, we drank from sun up to sun down. Visited the gay bars. Went to a drag show. Full on entertainment. This trip, we plan to lounge by the pool. A lot. We may surface around town to say we “did something” but after the winter we both had – lounging is much needed.

We're also going to walk, which we're actually excited about (?!) My blisters are healed, I need to do a few miles a day when I'm gone.

ANYFUCK, the thing is? I’m gonna have to try to stick to my diet while there. I don’t want to be a total downer, so I guess I’ll try to make good choices with 2 meals a day and let myself enjoy the 3rd. Probably lunch since that’s my biggest meal on a typical day.

Whatever. If I don’t lose, I’ll be OK with it. I’m going to try to be good but if not, I'll survive & reset when I get home.

Peace out, kids. Don’t be all brilliant when I’m gone. I’m just going to hit “clear all” when I get back anyway ;)

I totally thought today was Monday

2011-05-31T09:23:00.003-04:00

Wait. What?

I have access to blogger.

AT work.

And it's working? We'll see if this post goes through.

So happy belated Memorial Day! Do you say that? For Memorial Day? Is it really happy? Probably not, but I do truly thank all of the veterans out there for their service.

We were non-stop this weekend, and it was gorgeous out. 'Bout time, we needed some fucking sun.

Saturday I did my longest walk ever. EVER. And my feet paid the price. I used moleskin on the places I usually blister. Well now I know I blister between my toes. Yep. My toes are shredded. Thank God for our pool because I soaked my sore body as soon as I got home.

We had other crap going on every day, but ended with family time in the pool. The boys are like fish and I love it. We all have nice little tan lines and are ready for whatever amount of summer New England allows (read: short & fucking hot).

Anyone know anything about Allentown, PA? Me either. But Mr. Kiss is there right now interviewing for a job. It's the perfect position, duties and responsibilities. But it's in Allentown, PA.

Jaysus.

So I have 8-ish weeks to go til the 3 Day walk. I'm pretty sure it's going to kill me. Hopefully Poppy will give a nice eulogy at my funeral.

And finally, tomorrow? June 1? My Big Kiss turns 6. SIX. I'm still amazed someone let me be a mother, much less for 6 years now. That little schmoopy kid is the sweetest and I never want him to turn into an angsty teenager. Please say he won't? Or lie to me?

I'ma hit publish, let's see if it works. And if so, can anyone comment? Stupid blogger.

Urine for a surprise

2011-05-24T12:16:00.001-04:00

I got peed on this morning.

By my 3 year old. He was pretty sleepy, I'll give him that. Seriously, tho? He couldn't wait to turn his body toward the toilet and instead he peed on my hand as I tried to help him pull down his sweaty jammies.

This has been sort of a trend in the past few days, not gonna lie.

Saturday night I was able to get away to walk and spend time with my girl A. I stayed over, which was heavenly. When we got back from dinner, I offered to take her new puppy out since she does it all the time. To give her a break, you know? Well the little bastard was so excited to go out, he couldn't hold it. Peed on my foot. And my favorite flip flops. It's a really good thing I also have a dog and that stuff doesn't gross me out, but really?

Today, I got metaphorically peed on. Well, my ego did. I got the whole "We need to cut spending" convo from Mr. Kiss. Don't get me wrong. I knew this was coming. It's just hard to fully face the reality that since he's had zero progress with the job hunt, and nothing looking good any time soon, well, it's time to skip Starbucks and name brand cereal. Still, it hurt a little bit, in a selfish way. Since I've been working as a "grown up", I've never had to reign myself in…I've been comfortable.

Like I said, selfish – we now have kids with expenses and medical copays and a New England Sized mortgage.

Anyway, that's a lotta pee, ain't it?

Know what totally made my day? I got another donation for my 3 Day Walk. Just this morning. I have already surpassed the minimum fundraising goal of $2,300 – they require every walker to raise at least that much to participate. Know where I'm at today? At this very second?

$4,191.00

Over four thousand dollars. Pledged to the Susan G. Komen foundation. Supporting me and my miles. My girl A was gobsmacked, and I was too, if I'm being honest. I mean, every single dollar counts, and I've dropped to my knees I'm so humbled at times. (yes, me. I pray. And I'm grateful for the gift of humility). I can't leave out my team mate Poppy (www.funnyorsnot.com) who is also more than half way to her minimum goal. We have some good people in our lives, that's the truth.

Since I'm focusing on the Not Being Peed On news, this just in! I was on the 3 Day site and noticed that they had spectator info listed for the Boston event. Get this – you can send me a letter to say "go you" or "Save Boobies!" or even "fuck off, yah bitch!" I'll get mail on the walk! That's pretty freakin' cool if you ask me. Here's the info – it'll only cost you a stamp:

Write a letter expressing your love and support to your walker, which we'll deliver to her/him on the event.

Send letters to:

3-Day for the Cure

ATTN: INSERT NAME OF PARTICIPANT**

P.O. Box 181270

Boston, MA 02118

Envelopes only, please. No boxes or large packages. Mail must be postmarked no later than July 12th in order to ensure delivery at the 3-Day Camp Post Office. Please note: This address is not the actual location of camp, but a PO Box for mail delivery only. Any mail that is not received by the 3-Day by the date above or retrieved by the participant by August 7th will be destroyed.

Source: http://www.the3day.org/site/PageServer?pagename=BO_Spectator

**if you don't know my name but want to write a letter, e-mail me

I hope I get mail from you. And you. You, too – reading this post in the bathroom. Yes, even you.

Now, go on. Enjoy your day. Feel your boobies. Hug a friend. Don't pee on them.

Computer Wrcer.

2011-05-17T10:54:00.001-04:00

I got this from my son on Mother's Day. The one in kindergarten. The one who likes to clean my shower (for his allowance and more sancks). He's pretty adorkable and I love him a lot. Despite this display of his skills, he's actually changed so much since the beginning of the school year. Seriously.

But I think I need to ask the teacher to step it up just a bit in the spelling department.

Let me translate for you:

My name - it's not "Don." Don makes me think of Don Knots and that kind of creeps me out a little bit.

My age? It's SO off. Like by 10 years. Fine. He's right, but FFS kid, thanks for sharing.

Oh - re: this age thing, and any number in general? The kid is obsessed with numbers. He memorizes everyone's age, school bus numbers, room numbers, numbers of teeth lost (his and friend's), goals in soccer or hockey. He's always reminding me what the clock says and what time he can get up or has to go to bed. How many days of school they've had and how many are left. If he's Rainman smart with numbers, I'll be psyched. Numbers jobs are where it's at, people. Accounting, math, engineering. He'll always have a job.

Which brings me to being a "Computer Wrcer." I've had the pleasure of bringing him to work when he's sick and we have zero kid coverage, and I sit here at my desk typing away. Or adding up numbers with lightening speed on that 10-Key! Accountants RULE! What? We're awesome.

Anyway - so he's seen me at work, and whenever we're at home and I know the boys are zoned out with Noggin or G.I.Joe, I try to do picture projects on the laptop. I tell them I'm working. Shut up, you lie to your kids, too.

Moving on.

"Good driver." I literally laughed out loud at his take on my driving. So did Mr. Kiss. He then asked our kid if he was blind.

My favorite food is not pizza, but we get it every Friday night. I'm sort of sad he doesn't remember that I rarely eat it with them - and instead munch rabbit food, but hell - if the kid has memories of Friday Night Pizza and his Momma is sitting there with them, that's OK by me. Favorite food is grapes, by the way. #wine

He loves me because...I bring him to Sookr. No - this is not another True Blood novel. Not Sookie. He's referring to "soccer" which recently started up again. My kid doesn't love me for all the piggy back rides I give him? Or the pictures I color with him? Or the books we read together? Or for doing his LAUNDRY? Nope. Bringing him to sookr. I guess he aims low.

At least he got the picture right: pink chubby cheeks, red lips, blue eyes and stringy hair.

If I took a self portrait right now, you'd see he got it just right. And he loves me anyway.

Menage a what? Yes. Trois.

2011-05-14T06:28:00.004-04:00

I was an escort for a short time. College is expensive, yo.

I mostly worked for men traveling who wanted a hot date for a function without the attachment of a relationship.

Gotcha.

That's totally fiction, but the following from the Mad Woman is not. She brings the sexy. She's a fab writer. And in light of my recent "cheating" on her with other bloggers, she decided it this story was appropriate. I agree. And I'm slightly jealous. Except for the crying, not jealous of that.

Enjoy - a tale of trois...

##

Thank you Momma, for having me at your warm and funky abode.

I’m here today to offer an education, some pointers and hope you all can learn from my experiences. I’m a giver like that. One caveat: these notes are best used by the single ladies.

Ah yes, Ménage à trois. No, this is not an article on how to get sponsored by a wine maker...though, ahem, maybe if I fill this post with links I might find myself in a friendly arrangement. HEE.

Where to start? Oh, well, lets make some assumptions, you are a single woman, in an open relationship or your partner wants to swing...this post is for you. You married ladies, you may find yourself happy to have yourself excused from the activities.

Let me tell you a story. A very good friend of mine wanted to give a gift to her on and off boyfriend. Their relationship was interesting to say the least, you’ll see why in a moment. That gift was a three way. And yup, she asked me to join them. Her boyfriend, Adam*, was attractive, in a big bear kinda way. I dug him, enjoyed his company enough, NOT completely repelled by him. Anyway, this was going to be a first for both she and me and she wanted to be sure we were both ready. How do you do that? A practice run, of course.

Yeah, I said interesting right? So my friend, Phoebe, had another friend, a friend with benefits, that was willing to be a guinea pig. Surprising, right? I know.

This friend, Kyle, was also an attractive guy. Think a cross between Tom Cruise and Mark Harmon and then throw in more muscle and testosterone, and a barrel chest. Yeah, Kyle was a looker. Obviously he fit the requirements.

Night of the test run, we have dinner and drinks and more drinks. We came back to my place (with the biggest bed and room, ALSO KEY! Do NOT attempt this particular game in a full size bed squeezed into a tiny room) and got down to business. Necking and groping and stripping happened at a leisurely pace. This may have been the evening’s downfall.

I had drank more than my friends, so when they started humping like rabbits, I sort of passed out. OOPS.

Footnote to this event: Phoebe left after she had her fun. Left Kyle in my bed and went home. The next morning, feeling a little randy, I decided I better make things up to Kyle and he was more than willing. Sadly, before we got past 3rd base, Phoebe called to check to see if I was okay with the near stranger she left in my bed. I was Phoebe, I was, UNTIL YOU CALLED.

That was the first round. And what did we learn? Don’t drink so much that you miss out on the real fun. Oh, and be sure to get in there and get yours! Had I been more aggressive (interested) I’m pretty sure all of us would have gotten quite the ride.

Next up, the REAL thing! Phoebe and Adam came over for a couple drinks and appetizers (no food coma, no over indulgence). After some initial awkwardness (Adam wasn’t so sure about my interest, HMPH!) things moved along well enough, necking, stroking, licking, all the good stuff. Phoebe wasn’t an idiot, she knew if this was going to happen she was going to let her buddy (ME) go first.

Sounds pretty good, right?

Yeah, about me. Hm. Let’s just say, if you want to have a successful ménage à trois, you should be emotionally available to the moment. You probably shouldn’t be hung up on a previous fiance. Tears running down your face while riding your new partner is a no no.

There is a third scenario, one where YOU’RE the star attraction, one where these boys (yeah yeah) are here to service you. From the previous two examples we know that you shouldn’t be TOO drunk and that you should have any hang ups about getting yours.

Well, there is one other factor that you might find useful: be sure you’re attracted to your two willing lovers. Nothing is worse than getting excited about be fully serviced only to find that one of the two servers doesn’t float your boat. TRUST ME!

Any questions?

*Names were changed to protect the guilty.

##

Protecting the guilty. So smart.

Thanks Mad Woman. Sorry it took me so long to share, blogger was being a fucking douche.

Amy can be found here and here. Follow along. You know you want to.

Super Dooper Recap

2011-05-10T21:05:00.005-04:00

HOH-LEE HAWL, kids. I'm exhausted.

Wanna know what's up? Too bad if you said no, sit your ass down and listen.

Work - douchenozzle still in prime form.

My girl A - only 4 radiation treatments left. She's got some rad burns, but is doing Incredible. Has also retired Nancy, the wig. She's got enough hair to not need Nancy and looks better than me. We'll be going out on Monday to celebrate the end of her treatment.

Kids - 3 year old's being a total THREE YEAR OLD. We got a "talking to" by his daycare teacher. That kid is SO my child, I'm very afraid. Also, almost 6 year old is a God Send. He cleaned my shower for me. I'm teaching him well.

Mr. Kiss - back healing, still moving slowly. Can't lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk. Interviewing here and in other states. Planting flowers. (yet, I still have to mow the lawn and take the trash out).

Me - Did Bloggy Boot Camp on Friday / Saturday. Which totally rocked. Shared a room with the infamous Erin of I'm Gonna Kill Him. Also hosted Pursey Galore. She's a trashy ho, that purse. We collected money like crazy women. Met lots of fab women. Woke up on Saturday to the sound of a breast pump. Also, missing my pants.

I have pictures up the WAZOO, some that have been made public. The chins. The drinks. The cleavage. Oh my!

Thing is? I still haven't unpacked. And I had to also be honored for Mother's Day (duh).

Alas, I'll have to leave you with this...

The pigs were tired. And may or may not be pantsless.

Momma's Momma

2011-05-04T09:05:00.000-04:00

Mother’s day is coming up. Duh.

Instead of going on and on about what *I* want to receive for the holiday [ahem *massage or full spa day* ahem], I figured I’d share some memories of my own Momma. Yah. Memories of Momma’s Momma

Besides, I’m not really feeling the love from my own heathens right now – so maybe writing about good stuff will help me realize that one day those heathens may just blog about how awesome I am. Of course, I’ll be senile by then, but a girl can dream.

Ok. Some Memories of my Momma…

When I was – oh – 7 or 8, Momma signed up the family to be in a traveling marching band. She played the base drum. I was a flag girl. We marched in parades in 90 degree heat. We marched in rain. I almost broke my shin with flag, more than once. My little brother? He was a water boy. Thinking about it now, I can see why Momma did this. We were on welfare, and by us doing this…together…we got to travel all summer and see fun things and it was all free. I think we did some fund raising, probably, but I don’t remember that. Just the bus trips and laughs and songs and parades.

When I was a senior in high school, Momma finally got her dream job. In a town 4 hours away. Instead of making me move during my last year, she took the job and moved there herself. Leaving my brother and I on our own. He was a sophomore at the time. She came home some weekends, but mostly she mailed in the rent check and simply trusted us. Can you imagine? Letting your 17 and 15 year old kids live on their own, 4 hours away? She had no choice. And to be honest, we were good kids. I had one party – no alcohol involved – and my little brother was just excited to be part of the group that he didn’t tell on me. Otherwise we just went to school, I’d go to my job most nights and pick up my brother from practice. I’m quite impressed we survived, honestly – but hell, to do that today? I don’t know how she did it.

Momma is a cake decorator. We always had the bestest coolest most delicious cakes growing up. She’d make one for us to bring to school , and make everyone gather around it for pictures. She even taught cake decorating classes at the high school some nights. Sometimes I got to tag along – I was the official frosting taster. Momma owned a bakery where she’d make cookies and cakes and donuts and lots and lots of Finnish Nisu (sweet dough, like cinnamon rolls, but way more divine). She was able to make decent money decorating cakes for weddings and other parties. I remember looking through her zillions of pictures in albums at all of the cakes she’d made over the years, noticing the fashion and hair styles that changed along with the photos.

Momma made my wedding cake. Nothing crazy like fondant or berry cream filling or anything. Plain old vanilla with white frosting and a silly monogram or something on the top tier. I was so proud to tell people she had made it for us.

Momma is beautiful, strong, talented, funny and stubborn. I’d like to think this apple didn’t fall far from the tree.

Happy Mother’s Day, Momma.

Love you more.

Who's gotta go #2?

2011-04-28T13:32:00.001-04:00

I took the elevator down to the first floor. Far away from any of my co-workers. I hustled in, and immediately thanked the Porcelain Gods that the bathroom was empty. I was about to have a colon blow of epic proportions. I sit down…attempt to complete my mission and the door opens. Ok. It's ok. Maybe they'll be quick. Maybe they'll see me and just turn around. I have a shy sphincter (I know I'm not alone in this. Solidarity). Luckily, this person realized they had walked into a war zone and left immediately.

I was able to finish in peace, and in thinking about how thankful I was for that alone time…I decided to share a little wisdom. Of the bathroom etiquette variety.

And no, I'm not talking about when you have to go at home – where you may have toddler fingers trying to crawl under the door, screams coming from the other room or even the rare child ON you while you attempt to unload your bowels.

I'm talking public restrooms here. Specifically at work. Where you can't just walk in and drop a deuce at any moment. There may be others in there, and you don't want to have to sit across from them in a meeting later thinking "was it stinky?" "Did I fart the toilet-bowl-echo-fart?" "Did they recognize my shoes?!?"

FYI, this is from the female perspective, but dudes can read, too, I guess. It is a fact that women actually do poop. Everyone poops. There's a book about it.

So here goes. I give you: The MommaKiss Guide to Going #2 at Work.

These are for you – oh sad woman with the little poop nugget about to fall out…

1 - Try to wait until the very last moment to do your business. You feel a gut rumble? Sit at your desk for another 5 minutes. Maybe 10. This way you can find an empty bathroom, get in and do your business and get out. As quickly as possible. Of course, if you don't find an empty one right away, you may be doing the Storm Trooper walk to the next closest restroom – but here's hoping you're lucky on the first try.

2 – Once seated, almost done, you realize someone walks in. You're sure you can't just pinch it off (you tried) and you need a little more time. Allow the courtesy flush. The one that will rid the existing evidence and also – it's muffled – the person coming in should understand that you're claiming the territory. If they're wise, they'll come back later.

3 – If they are clueless or just plain don't give a shit, well, then, it's a waiting game. You may sit there tapping your feet. You may remain silent. You may roll off some paper, blow your nose. You're waiting for her to flush, you see. Because as soon as she flushes, there's noise. You can plop away and you're done. If you're like me? You wait for her to wash her hands and leave before you emerge. Knowing full well, she's probably seen your shoes – but at least there's no immediate eye contact.

A few words for the other party here? The one who walks in on someone already sitting and has gone silent?

Unless you're seriously going to die if the turd doesn't come out this very second – turn around. Maybe wash your hands if you want to "look" like you needed to enter the restroom…but do it quick. Your fellow ladyfriend behind the stall door with the shy bumhole will thank you.

She may even buy you a fiber one bar.

Don't you love my MommaKiss lists? I'm totally available if you need more advice. Holla!!

*FYI, I do not advise googling the word sphincter for synonyms. There are none. But there ARE graphics. Shudder. My fucking EYES!

WW 4.27

2011-04-26T23:35:00.000-04:00

Fly

2011-04-26T23:34:00.000-04:00

I’m getting all bloggy about Shutterfly again. I love their site – have used them for years and years…and I couldn’t pass up the chance to take part in their Mother’s Day blog event. Humor me.

Do you send cards for Mother’s Day? I do. If I’m running behind, which is typical, I’ll whip up some hand made cards to send to my brother’s wives, other “moms” in my life, friends who are moms. I don’t think we’re recognized enough. Seriously. If you don’t send cards, at least e-mail or text (or call) other mothers. They need the pick me up.

Ok – so the cards. If I’ve left enough time – I could send one of these. They’d even address and stamp them for me, talk about easy peasy.

I’m considering a Momma’s Photobook this year for my mother in law. I haven’t printed digital photos in ages – I use the books more. For trip memories, birthday party pics, adult toy party shenanigans. You know – the milestones in life. Ahem. Ok – back to the mother in law. Her birthday is 2 days before, so double duty gift! Score! I’ll just need to double check that she gets the family picture book and not the “shenanigan” book.

This is where I tell you to go – now – and check out the Fly products. Get it? Fly? From Shutterlfy? *facepalm.

Also? Are you a blogger? Click here to sign up for a chance at 50 free cards from Shutterfly.

Enjoy, kids!

I'm not here

2011-04-25T08:44:00.001-04:00

I'm not here in more ways than one, let me tell ya. I'm busy feeding the invalid Mr. Kiss, breaking up brawls between the boys and crying over my 5 yo losing his second tooth.

Yep. Both top teeth gone. Lookin' like a preppy hillbilly with his teal popped collar polo and no top teeth.

Oh I'm also still working. Holy crap this Momma is exhausted.

Anyway.

I found time in my nutcake brain to write for Shell. She's enjoying Spring Break with her kids (is that possible? I'd rather hire a sitter and take a nap).

This needed to come out - I'm glad I wrote it. Visit please?

http://thingsicantsay-shell.blogspot.com/2011/04/give-me-best-of-you.html

Peace out.

WW

2011-04-20T09:28:00.001-04:00

MAS*H called, they want Hot Lips back. TAKE HER!

2011-04-15T15:21:00.005-04:00

HOLY SNARKLEFARTS.

I am finally on a computer, not just my phone. This past week? From heathens!!!

Monday, Mr. Kiss had back surgery. It's a microdiskotomy or something, but basically he had a broken disk and the surgeon went in to remove the broken piece that was pushing on his nerve, making him generally assholeish.

He's recovering well, very well. We had help from Monday to Wednesday, but as soon as I got home from work on Wednesday, the in-laws bolted. I don't blame them, really - we're all quite a handful. Plus my mother in law made dinner before she left. She's totally cool like that.

So Mr. Kiss is in bed, I'm getting the kids ready for bath time and the 3 year old hurls. I'm talking across the room hurling. This was 7pm on Wednesday. He was up every. 30. minutes. that night. Puking, dry heaving, shitting.

Like a college freshman who's punch was spiked.

Didn't stop on Thursday and it's worse today. There's asspiss involved. And wouldn't be complete without shuking, now would it?

Did I forget to remind you (a hundred times) of the 225lb man who is on bed rest with a huge hole in his back? Yah.

I couldn't go to work. Barely surviving here. Meals for the invalid, washing puke / shit blankets and towels and jammies, getting the 5 year old off to school.

My upstairs is like a fucking M*A*S*H Unit. It's not pretty.

You people love my family stories, don't you? I can't help it. I'm knee deep in shuke and felt like sharing.

Don't worry.

I've washed my hands.

OH - Remember the hands? With the fab manicure? It's lasted. Oh yes, I'm a haggard mess, but my nails look incredible. The color, by the way, is Sally Hanson "Grey Area." Not Slutty Mauve like Sara suggested. That would totally kick ASS as a nail polish color. You should contact OPI, girl.

ANYway. I better get my ass back to taking care of shit.

Literally.

p.s. my team-mate Poppy who writes FunnyOrSnot could use a lil help in fundraising for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk for the Cure. Click that lil box right over there ------> $5 bucks. Give up your latte for the day. Or speed. Whatever.

Make me happy. I deserve it.

With this ring...

2011-04-13T09:48:00.001-04:00

#weddingrings #backsurgeryisanasshole #mynailslookgood #thankgodforpainpills #oneforyoutwoforme #nursemaid #ideserveamedal #settleforatahnkyou #sickofmeyet?

(I have to hashtag because I can't get to my labels)

(i.e. I'm mega-lazy)

(and exhausted)

(this isn't so wordless, is it?)

(I could make a habit of this!)

(Mr. Kiss is recovering from his broken back)

(thanks y'all)

Back

2011-04-10T22:00:00.001-04:00

Mr. Kiss is having back surgery tomorrow.

So.

There's that.

#brokenbacksareassholes

--
www.mommakiss.blogspot.com

Friday Flip Off AND Kick a Donkey

2011-04-08T00:05:00.000-04:00

As of 9.17am on Thursday, April 7th, Mr. Kiss was officially unemployed. He's a statistic. We'll be collecting the government checks. Maybe even food stamps. Or blocks of cheese. I blame the French. Fucking French.

Which, HELLO? Totally calls for a for a Friday Flip Off.

Flip off French companies who decide to take over US Companies and lay off 80 people.

Flip off situations that make my kids ask why Daddy won't have to get ready for work in the morning.

Flip off Texas, too. Texas had a chance to remedy this situation. Texas is a cockbag. (thanks Moooooog for that word).

Yah. All of that.

P.S.

I had a lil "list" of a guest post yesterday. Things that make me want to donkey kick you. At Poppy's place. Check it. And don't be a douche, if you do anything deserving of a donkey kick, you KNOW I will find your ass and kick it. Hard.

P.P.S (or is it pss?)

I totally conned Poppy into spooning me in a tent and walking the 3 Day with me. If you've got 5 bucks to spare, please support her. She needs to raise the minimum of $2,300 by July - we can do it, right?

Here's her page.

She may even update it soon with a personal message. Maybe some donations will kick her in gear, for fuck's sake.

I'm begging. I never beg. But I'm begging today. Don't make me make a fucking habit of it.

It's still Wednesday, Right?

2011-04-06T22:19:00.000-04:00

First Toof

2011-04-04T10:48:00.001-04:00

My baby has lost his first tooth on Saturday.

Fine he's almost 6, he's not a baby. Whatever.

I'm having a hard time with this. His first tooth. Gone. Right up front, too, so I see it every time he smiles. And he's got like 5 other teeth that are loose. They're going to start falling out like a meth head's teeth fall out. I know this. But the first one? Crushing me.

Murphy's Law, we had an appointment scheduled for pictures Saturday. I needed updated pics of the kids and well, now this day is professionally documented. Sigh. He's a cute little turd, isn't he?

I'm a sap.

Again, whatever.

Just let me wallow in this milestone, will ya?

What Would You Do?

2011-03-29T09:55:00.001-04:00

Last night I left work around 8.30. Which was totally awesome. Not. Anyway, at that time of the night, there aren't as many security people around, but the building has decent lighting. So does the parking lot. I typically park in the garage, yesterday I was on the ground floor – off to the right near the back. As I left the building, I heard screaming – off to the left, near the back. Yes. Screaming.

"Do you believe me when I say I love you!" " DO YOU?"

Screaming. Over and over.

I stopped in my tracks, trying to figure out what to do.

Do I walk back in? My badge wouldn't work on that door, I'd have to go all the way around to the front. Do I call the police? My gut told me to get to my car – which I did. As I walked toward the right, the screaming continued toward the left and I looked over, a man had a car door open and was leaning in – screaming at a woman, who was pleading "just get out and let me go home."

What do I do, what do I do?

If I go over there, I may put myself in danger. But what if she's in serious danger? What if I don't do anything and something happens to her? What would I even say?

I got in my car and decided to drive toward the exit, past them, slowly. The man looked up when he saw my headlights and stopped banging on the window of the car. I stopped. Rolled down my window. He had just a t-shirt on. No visible weapons (Christ, why am I looking for weapons?) I asked if everything was OK. He said "yeah, It's all good, she's letting me in."

Do you need me to call security, they're driving around the lots, I can get them here in just a second.

I see the girl moving over from the driver's seat to the passenger seat, and he opened the door. Again, "Nah, we're good, thanks though."

And I slowly drove off.

I don't know if I did the right thing. Should I have called the police and stayed until they arrived? Should I have gotten out and asked the girl myself? Should I have done nothing?

What would you do?

The tale of the Ape

2011-03-23T20:05:00.006-04:00

This morning I got the boyz up, set them up with their "cereal & milk" and went back upstairs to shower. When I was getting dressed, I realized they were being extra extra good.

Let me preface this by saying my kids? Do not typically get all Dr. Destructo when unsupervised. They may punch each other or chuck puzzle pieces about, but they've never used sharpie on the couch or cut anyone's hair. As a mom, though? When it's too quiet? You know something's up.

So I went to investigate.

All I found was the boys in the bathroom laughing - but nothing clearly amiss. Fine. Move along with the morning.

I dropped them off, Hi Ho, Hi Ho, off to work I go.

So I get to work and when I pulled my phone out of my purse, I bumped the camera button and found a picture.

I almost fell over, literally. I was crossing my legs so as not to piss my pants.

I tweeted this - Knowing I'd have to blog this shit later. You know. When I had access to blogger. Fucking firewalls.

Alas, here's the pictures I found on my phone.

George Costanza anyone?

Head gear. For the ape.

oooh, look at those pink polka dots. how pretty are they?

lemme just check this out, just a bit closer, oooof, i fell over.

People? The polka dots? It's my freakin' undies!

My children decided that taking pictures of a stuffed ape in my polka dot unmentionables was fun for them.

I don't even know what to say.

The state of things...

2011-03-21T09:57:00.001-04:00

Isn't that lovely?

The Kiss Hizza is in a state of cluttered chaos these days. Barely hanging on. Oh, we're playing and laughing and eating and walking (Walking!) but the daily chores? They have been neglected. Honestly I don't even care that much, but it may start to stink soon.

Syracuse basketball shit the bed last night and lost in an upset. As a result, my husband's eyes are quite sad this morning. Not sure if it's from the crying or the bottle(s) of beer he had drowning his sorrow. Their loss also busted my bracket, dammit - but it's not like they broke my heart.

We had a date night Saturday - which was totally rad, but the kicker? When we got back to pay the sitter - she's all "Oh, I just have to change quick, we're going out!" All perky and bubbly at 11pm. Just going out. God bless the young and stupid...

I've been walking (did I mention I'm training for the 3 Day in July? No? I am ;) I can pretty easily do 3 to 6 miles a day, need to build up to 10/day on the weekends. Last night my 5 year old wanted to walk with me. He talked. And talked. And TALKED. No complaining, but boy can that kid chatter. Topics? How do babies learn to sleep? How do babies learn words? Why do I pull at my hair? [he has a bald spot in front, his 'tick' is to pull at / twist his hair. Awesome.]

Why are you walking so much? Do you like to walk alone? I told him why [to raise money to help cure people like Auntie A who have "sick blood"] and that I like to walk alone, but was glad he was with me at the time.

His response? "Good, I like to keep you company. So you don't feel blue." Don't feel blue. I almost peed I laughed so hard and he gave me that sideways look with a crooked grin. Kid loves to make me laugh.

He walked almost 2 miles with me, then Mr. Kiss met us and I walked back alone.

Walking. I like it. I really like it. I never ever got the 'runner's high' but I can tell I'm going to be a walker for life.

Last but not least, a big fat wet kiss (with tongue) to Jana who blogged for me here: http://www.boobiesbabiesandablog.com/2011/03/i-do-good-things-with-my-mouth.html

Boobies helped me raise money for boobies! WIN!

Moral of this (long and boring) story is that I've been busy doing other things and my house is a fuckin disastah.

FYI, I will probably be talking a lot about walking for the next few months. If you don't want to hear it, you know it won't bother me. I'm only one lil hot piece of ass among many in the blogging world. I'll survive. And have wicked calf muscles to show for it.

"Just" a mom?

2011-03-16T23:23:00.012-04:00

I've been working away, telling people that 2 + 2 doesn't always = 4. Also trying to log miles like my life depended on it...and so my space here has been so lonely.

Who's helping me? Natalie, that's who. Nat is a gorgeous mother of one + twins. The girl who bowls like a rock star. The girl who's birthday is this weekend and hasn't said shit about it. Yes. Natalie. She wanted to share some words, and I needed some words and so here are Nat's words:

*******

I am a diaper changer.
I am a boo-boo kisser and a tear wiper.
I brush hair and teeth, and comfort crying babies.

I am a referee.
I am a judge and jury. A negotiator and mediator.
I call time outs and naps, and discipline even when I'm too tired to.

I am severely underpaid servant.
I am a chef and a chauffeur. A personal assistant and maid.
I cook and clean, and do laundry...a lot of it.

I am a jungle gym.
I am a dancer and a singer. A story teller and a clown.
I play, laugh, remember songs and games of my childhood and teach them to my children.

I am a yeller.
I am occasionally a tyrant and a maniac. A child myself and a tantrum thrower.
I scream too often. I love even more often. I doubt myself even more often than that.

I am a mother.
I am continually being challenged and learning how to be one. I continually hope that I am doing it right.
I gratefully thank God each day that my kids are happy, healthy, and resilient.

The other day, as Ethan climbed back and forth over my legs as I tried to relax on the couch, it occurred
to me that I was so much more than just "mom". I started to think about all of the things that I do every
day without even realizing it or giving myself credit for. How many hats I wear; how many different faces
I put on. I had to write this, and although it's short, it means more to me than any other post I've done in
a long time.

*******

Thank you friend. Love to you and good luck this weekend. Happy Birthday. Wish I could be there when you roll a spare. Or strike. Hell, I just want to wear the bowling shirt.

Nusis Prsin

2011-03-15T10:54:00.001-04:00

A note from my 5 year old.

Let's translate (per his request):

"You are the nicest person. And. Thank You Mom. and. Dad."

We had his kindy conference this morning. Apparently he's a math whiz, but needs to work on his spelling a bit ;) Personally, I prefer to be called a Prsin.

#200 Wins at Life

2011-03-14T07:56:00.002-04:00

And the winner is...

Lucky #200. That would be the Mad Woman.

Congrats girl - I'll let the shop owner know you're the bestest winner in the land!

So people? I ran a 5k yesterday. My legs are jello (i'm so out of shape) and I'm exhausted (afterparty).

Which means I gotta bolt, smooches and congrats Mad Woman

free stuff time

2011-03-09T08:07:00.007-05:00

That's right. It makes me happy to give stuff to you - and I'm not a huge "giveaway-blog-type-gal" - you know this.

But holy crap, this etsy shop? SUPER CUTE!! I'm talking homemade and customized and all around awesome.

Check out Frilly Frames & Things

Here's a sample of the goods:

Here's the free part. I get to give one of YOU a customized birthday banner. Uh Huh. That's right. And for anyone who doesn't win? You can get one yo-self at 15% off. Just use the coupon code "mommakiss".

I'm in LOVE with this pirate banner:

And the frog princess? Ooooh, if I had a girl...

Ok - to enter? No crazy rules. There must be an e-mail address for me to contact you - that's it. Comment away. All Day, Every Day.

Bring it, Kids!

(contest ends Sunday at 5pm EST. If I'm not too lazy, I'll draw a winner then. Or soon after.)

I went for a walk

2011-03-07T10:55:00.001-05:00

1, 2, 3, 4; 1, 2, 3, 4

It's Sunday morning, it's early, this is nice and peaceful. I'll have my exercise done early. Perfect.

5, 6, 7, 8; 5, 6, 7, 8

I wonder if anyone else counts their steps as they walk? Does that make me really weird? I mean, I'm clearly not going to be able to count every step. I just like to walk to a 'count.'

"Oh Man is a giddy thing!"

That squirrel better not fucking come near me, I'll kick his ass. Oh, oh no, that car almost crushed him! Well, serves him right. What kind of stupid animal runs in the middle of the road anyway? Squirrels. At least it wasn't a skunk. I hate skunks. Especially if the dog is around. Oh, God, I think I left the fence door open. If they let him out, he'll go cruising the 'hood again. He'll probably come to find me. That damn dog.

1, 2, 3, 4; 1, 2, 3, 4

"You're gonna wish you, never had met me…Tears are gonna fall, Rolling in the deep!" The entire Adele album would be a kick ass walking partner. Yep. Mmmm. Hmmm. "You're gonna wish you Never had met me!" I wonder if anyone can hear me singing. I'm not singing that loud, right? Just barely above a whisper.

I've been walking for 30 minutes. This feels good. This is good for my body. Christ my thighs are rubbing together. But my ass hurts. It's a good hurt. Buns of Steel. Buns of Steel. How many miles have I walked? Maybe 2 by now? How the EFF am I going to do 20-ish miles a day in July? For 3 days straight. I'm insane. Well, that's true in general, but insane to think I can walk that much. I can do it. I can totally do it.

5, 6, 7, 8; 5, 6, 7, 8

Why do I never count past 8? Am I really analyzing my counting pattern? Who the fuck cares. Oh, I've been walking for almost an hour now. Wonder how the boys are doing. Jeez, Mr. Kiss gets so frustrated so easily. Bet he's got them outside already. Can't handle their running around inside. It's gorgeous out. They should be outside anyway.

I can see my road back into the 'hood. I can do this. Buns of Steel. Buns of Steel. I think I have a blister on my toe. Just need to wiggle it. Just a little bit. "Wiggle it, Just a little Bit!" Oh, that was outloud.

Finally, my street. I need my inhaler. I'm 36 years old and need a damn inhaler to go for a walk in the morning. Get me my cane and bifocals, people. But yah, that would be good right about now. The inhaler and a Kleenex. Damn, this runny nose. I should just blow a snot rocket. But I'm in my 'hood now, I can't do that. Someone would totally see me. I'll just wipe it with my sleeve. Oh, there's a spot where there's no kid spot, perfect. Ew. Snot. EW. Ah, that does feel better though.

Just 4 more houses, I so did this, no problem.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. I did it! I counted to 10!

Oh, look the kids are outside, playing hockey. Better take my ipod off so I can hear the rundown from the husband. Great. Welcome back to my life.

"I'm going inside to wash my face!" Back to reality. That walk sure did feel good, though. Maybe I'll go again tomorrow.

~p.s. I'm totally training for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk. 20 weeks to go…

Ahhhhhhh

2011-03-03T13:13:00.001-05:00

Holy Hell did last week kick my ass.

Whew, still catching my breath.

Dinner with A was unbelievable, thanks y'all for the well wishes – which I passed along simply by saying "you have so many people behind you, you can't even imagine." A's chemo is over, she has a couple of weeks until radiation starts. Dinner was delish. Her and I are "running" a 5k on the 12th. Pray for us both!

On Saturday? I had myself a spa day. Mmmm hmmm. Finally was able to get an appointment with my favorite back bruiser. Ana is a 50ish year old Russian woman who has magical hands. I honestly don't know if you say her name AH-na or ANN-na, but in my mind I refer to hear as Ahhhhhhhhhhna.

She's That Good.

I booked 90 minutes to give her enough time to properly bruise me. She does trigger point therapy first, and then the full body massage "for pleasure, naht pain." Her words. I can barely keep a straight face when she says it, but guess it doesn't matter as my head is all squished into that face-donut-circle-thingy.

After the Massahhhhhhhhge, I drove to another salon for a facial. I bought one on Groupon and was glad they could get me in the same day – but to be honest? I'll never go back. It's like they rushed through things and I just had the feeling they were giving me subpar service because it was Groupon. Either that or they suck all the time. Regardless, I won't go back.

Aren't I a fickle little bitch like that?

I am, it's OK to share the sentiment.

You may want to reconsider saying it to my face, though. Sometime soon I'm doing a giveaway. That shit makes me happy. Here's a preview of her shop: http://www.etsy.com/shop/FrillyFramesNThings

Cute?

Cute.

fin.

Cozy

2011-03-01T06:58:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to bed at 7.30.

So did my husband.

So did the boys.

We were all in their room, in their beds. Me and the little guy in the bottom bunk, Mr. Kiss and my 5 year old in the top. The top bunk. Of twin bunk beds. Mr. Kiss is 6'4". Yah.

Even the dog was in the room. All of us, in a 12x14 foot bedroom.

There were dishes in the sink. Dirty pots on the stove. Fine, one pot - I made mac & cheese. Whatever. There was unfolded laundry on the couch. And a load in each the washer and dryer.

Guess what?

I left it all.

We all went to bed at 7.30.

All of us, in one room.

Everything I needed within 10 feet of me.

I may just try it again tonight.

A's timeline...

2011-02-23T12:38:00.000-05:00

September 13th, 2010: My girl A, my friend whom I love more than a sister, goes to her doctor because of a suspicious lump under her arm.

September 20th, 2010: A has a biopsy of the nodes.

September 22nd, 2010: Results are in. She has cancer. I cried as I wrote about that here: http://mommakiss.blogspot.com/2010/09/shes-sick.html

September 25th, 2010: We have a meeting of the minds to go over what's next. Surgeries? Chemo? Has is spread? I have hope: http://mommakiss.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-have-hope.html

October 5th(ish), 2010: A finds out it's not just a lumpectomy, she has stage 3 breast cancer, triple negative stuff going on. She needs a double mastectomy. It's an aggressive fucking cancer.

October 6th, 2010. We celebrate A's 37th birthday with mixed emotions. Her last birthday with her boobs. Her last birthday with the hair she was born with.

October 20th, 2010: Dinner with A, her mother and sister. We laugh and cry and I got a speeding ticket on the way home. Almost pulled the "BUT MY FRIEND HAS CANCER card" but didn't chance it. $170 donated to the MA Registry. Fuckers.

October 21st, 2010: A has a double mastectomy. She is released in a day and a half, the boobless wonder.

October 23rd, 2010: I visit the invalid only to see she's recovering very well. I help her wash her hair in the kitchen sink - let me tell you - after 4 days, she needed the shampoo.

November 18th, 2010: Chemo begins.

December 1st, 2010: A decides to shave her head. She's losing some hair and just wants to take charge, so we make an event of it. She's got her best girls with her at the salon. That week, I treasured the simple act of shampooing my own hair: http://mommakiss.blogspot.com/2010/12/friday-flip-off-12-3.html

Many undocumented dates: Dinner, movies and shopping with A. She came with me & the boys to Toy Story on Ice. We've had sleep overs, where she takes "Nancy" (her wig) off and my 3 year old decides to tell her to "putchur hair back on!" During a hot flash, my two little boys touch her bald head with their cold hands and she sighs with content. We've celebrated birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year.

She's living life. As a cancer patient. But she's living it HARD. If anyone needs suggestions on how to practice the art of living life with grace - damn, choose any one day in her entire life and you'll be impressed.

Which brings me to tomorrow.

Thursday, February 24th, 2011: A's very last chemo treatment. Very. Last.

I have all the confidence in the world that this has worked. That she has rid her body of cancer. She's still got 30 radiation treatments ahead, and she's ready for them. So ready.

But on Thursday, we will celebrate. We are going to buy the really expensive champagne and enjoy an intimate dinner with family and a few friends. She and Nancy will rock as the guest of honor(s).

A is done with chemo. A is DONE with chemo.

Something's fishy

2011-02-21T11:51:00.001-05:00

I had to work this weekend. Meh.

Sunday morning, my children "let us sleep in" by going downstairs "to play."

Let me preface this by saying my kids? Are generally pretty decent. They whine, they bitch, they make me wipe their ass.

However.

We've never had an incident with scissors, sharpies on furniture or walls, fingers in sockets...none of that. They're typically good with the general stuff.

Until Sunday morning.

They came up to our room around 7.15 and told us they fed the fish.

These were brand new fish they they purchased with daddy just the day before. Daddy spent a week cleaning the tank, getting all those rocks and castles and shit in there, oxidizing the water. When he put the fish in on Saturday, he fed them - in front of the boys - and when the 5 year old asked if he could do it, we said in unison "No, feeding the fish is a job for Mom's and Dad's."

Strike one, kids, when you tell us you fed the fish knowing you shouldn't be doing it.

Strike two? When we go down and see that they had dumped half a can of food in the tank.

Filter? Ruined. Rocks? Dirty. Fish? All dead within 12 hours.

Holy Fuck, did my husband yell. If the neighbors didn't already think we're crazy, it's confirmed now.

5 year old sent to his room, 3 year old sent to bottom step. For 30 minutes.

The little monsters knew they were in trouble. And then? The 3 year old says "I wanna get up, I wanna say sorry. We didn't mean to kill the fish and we're sorry we were yelling bad words, too."

Big brother? "STOP TELLING THEM WE WERE YELLING BAD WORDS!"

Strike 3. They lost all t.v. privileges for the day.

Which is really punishment against us, right? Well, my husband, as I sauntered off to work.

My damn kids are turning into jerks, and I blame myself. I've been working many many hours. I'm sick again, so when I'm home, I'm garbage.

This whole quality of life "deal" is all FUBAR right now. Not sure how to fix it, though. I can't even keep fish alive.

Grand gestures

2011-02-17T22:50:00.005-05:00

I haven't been home for bedtime all week.

Got a new situation at work. Co-worker got promoted, is now my boss, The Douchenozzle is a WAY different manager than my old boss (who's older and a softie and has kids and is a Christian! God Fearing!)

Anyway.

My schedule has changed, for the worse, and I've been working a TON. Mr. Kiss has been picking up the kids, making dinner, doing bedtime, tucking in, doing all that stuff Momma's supposed to do.

Don't get me wrong, he's great at it. But I HATE missing it for so many days in a row.

To make it up to my kids?

I'm taking them to a super fun show on Friday. I am not above bribery or grand gestures to make them think their Momma rocks, no matter how much she's away from home.

Best part? I didn't even have to think very hard about what to do. Hell Yah! I won these supercalifragilistic tickets to see the Toy Story dudes at Disney on Ice. My girl A is going to come with us. I'm going to buy those boys cotton candy and popcorn and juice and whateverthehellelsetheywant!

Why?

Because I have mom guilt.

Whatever.

We're going to have a blast. And we're going to stay at A's house afterward. And she's making them a killer breakfast in the morning. And when I drop them off and go right back to work on Saturday, I'll know they'll be remembering our super fun time at the "Party" the night before.

I win over Dada.

That's all.

No, Wait, That's not all! I forgot to tell ya who I won the tickets from: SarahViz from the Trenches of Mommyhood. AND, I get to meet her (hoping her kids aren't too sick to go).

Thanks love, I needed this win ;)

WW My Name is KID!

2011-02-16T10:09:00.001-05:00

Kid Rock. Picture taken by Mr. Kiss. Private concert for the team after the Super Bowl. Uh huh.

Monster

2011-02-13T23:54:00.001-05:00

We're all perfect parents right?

Never yell. Never serve preservatives to our cherubs. Always comb our kids' hair. Houses are spotless. Skinny and pretty soccer moms.

Heh.

Jaysus, if you ARE that kind of parent, you may wanna move along because this ain't the place for you.

Still here? Cool.

Now I want to send you away: Today I'm admitting one of my MANY failures as a mother. At Natalie's place (the famed Mommy of a Monster).

Love her Monster Mommy Moment feature.

Go read that shit.

If you judge me, you're an asshole.

But don't worry, I'm pretty much ok with that.

Hearty Wishes

2011-02-11T13:21:00.002-05:00

I've been married for over 8 years. Hell, if we lived in Hollywood instead of AshVegas, that would be like a century.

During my short tenure as a Mrs. I've learned a few things about boys. If you want something, be specific. That husband of yours? He can't read minds. So I give him lists. For birthdays, Christmases, anniversaries, Mother's Days. One year the Christmas list was a powerpoint presentation and I put on my little schoolgirl out fit, used a pointer, everything. I had a lot of lovely gifts under the tree that year. (It had nothing to do with the outfit.) (Let me believe that.)

Moving on. I'm not typically big on Valentine's Day. I mean. I'm a "sure thing." I don't "need" a date that night. I'd prefer a random Thursday happy hour with him so that we could have an uninterrupted conversation. And I surely don't need flowers, at least not the kind that are triple the price because it's February. Big fan of a few gerber daisies that he picked up at the grocery store on his way home.

I do have a few wishes for gifts this year, though. Instead of trying to find that schoolgirl outfit, I'll just tell the world here and hope...

1. Stop drinking my pomegranate seltzer. Specifically the LAST pomegranate seltzer without replacing or informing me you did such a thing.

2. Wipe your pee from the front of the toilet. Wipe the pee from your son's misses, too. I'm SO OVER that job.

3. Work on rolling your r's. Rrrrrrrrrrrr. RRRRRRRR. Get that tongue in shape.

4. Fold the laundry. Or just the socks. Or just throw the socks in a drawer without folding them because I'm drowning in fucking socks.

5. A Snicker's bar.

That's not too much to ask, now is it? Crossing fingers, legs and toes my wishes come true! Well, maybe not the legs ;)

All I need

2011-02-09T22:08:00.000-05:00

Found these just now, as I was going to bed.

They're from my 5 year old. Well, I'm assuming because the Little Kiss can't quite cut with scissors yet.

This kid has always known how to get to me.

He frustrates me, woos me, entertains me, loves me.

Tonight he melted me. Again.

Little turd.

Monday Funday

2011-02-07T18:18:00.000-05:00

There is so much shit going on, I don't even know where to begin.

The best part is, I'm not sad or sick or mad or whatever, just busy. Living life, working, being a mom, wife and friend...you know, that shit you do when you just do it?

Yah.

That!

Not to mention, I'm exhausted today. For a super reason, but damn, I feel like dying. I took a costanza nap today - from 12.30 to 1.15 - locked the door, lights off, under my desk. That would have been This Kid.

WHY was I up so late? Watching the Packers win the Super Bowl, silly. All by myself. Well, I let the boys watch the first quarter with me, but then drugged them and watched the rest all alone. Pure Bliss. I may have cried at the end. Whatever, I felt my sconnie pride. Plus? Mr. Kiss called me and all the Grown Men were crying, too. It seems everyone becomes an emo pussy when their team wins the big game. I'm OK with it.

p.s. I'm not moving to Texas. Fuck the French.

p.p.s. My girl A was asked by a store clerk where she gets her hair cut and how long did it take to grow it out? It's a fucking wig, she replied, but thanks!

p.p.p.s. I'm watching Despicable Me and sorta want the soundtrack.

FFO 2-4-11

2011-02-03T23:56:00.001-05:00

Let's be direct here.

...january

...hangnails

...furrowed brows

...snice*

...my momma being hundreds of miles away from me on her birthday

...overpaid asshole human resources morons who fuck up offer letters

...depression

...the color yellow

if you'd like to link up, please do...

*snow/ice, which is a motherfucker.

Um...

2011-01-31T12:47:00.001-05:00

...skuze me while I scream a minute:

TODAY IS THE LAST FARKING DAY OF JANUARY!

That is all.

These Dreams*

2011-01-30T12:18:00.004-05:00

The thing about me is that I remember dreams. I don't think that is a good thing. I've read that if you remember dreams, you're not really getting restful sleep. Duh. I haven't had restful sleep in years. Anyway - some of them stuck out, and so I share. It's what I do.

I had a dream that I attended a blogger conference. I’m all “squee” and hugging people. The suite we’re assigned to is HUGE. Like Pimp Daddy Real World Style Huge. Pool tables, kitchens, WINE. One girl (who was not human but was her ‘cartoony blog person’ in my dream) met family the day before so I got to meet a stranger’s kids. At one point I left my laptop in the airport, but never fear! I was able to tweet to the girl coming on the next flight and she picked it right up for me. Then all the girls left me to do super cool things. And then? A co-worker of mine showed up. We jumped on huge beds and watched a movie on the big screen and had wine in our jammies. Her job? She’s the Head of Compliance. i.e.IT Security. i.e. NO blogs at work. Coinkidink? I’m thinking no.

I had a dream that I was offered and accepted this high falootin job. Where I was meant to wear suits every day and report to the CEO who was a woman. I remember in my dream I was wondering why on EARTH would they offer me this job, I can’t do any of this shit. My office was ungodly large, with a t.v. and a fridge and a conference table and a fancy-how-the-hell-do-i-work-it-phone. My first day, I was running late at home. The people around me included my own kids, my mother and my husband’s sister. The latter two live no where even remotely close to me. As I’m pacing and needing to leave, my sister in law says “I have to poop.” Not one of the kids. The 40 year old. And I was late to the first day of my new job.

I had a dream that I got lost in a house that's too big for it's own good. I was turning into hidden rooms and climbing one staircase but descending another. Ending up in an attic, and then being on top of a washing machine. Now that I think about it, this may actually be a nightmare.

I had a dream about clit suckers. I have no idea. Although, come to think of it, this may or may not stem from my own versions of “texts from last night” the day prior.

*hope that Heart song isn't on replay in your head because of the title. Really. Oh it is now? Whoopsie.

FFO 1.28.10 I forgot the LINK!

2011-01-28T09:49:00.002-05:00

DAMMIT!

Last night I made the decision to go to bed at 8pm. I'm fighting some demons, people, and believe me when I tell you I was better off taking a vitamin and going to bed than staying awake to face them.

Funny thing is, they're still fucking HERE. Why didn't they go away while I slept a drool-infused-sleep?

So. Since I was off in la-la land, I didn't blog, I didn't schedule a post, I have no linky to share. I'm sorry. For that, I flip myself off.

If you're playing along today (is anyone playing along anymore?) - please go see the Mad Woman over at A Diary of Mad Woman. She's got my back!

WW 1-26 Dream or Reality?

2011-01-26T09:22:00.001-05:00

17

2011-01-24T09:53:00.001-05:00

17 seconds ago, I took a sip of coffee.

17 minutes ago, I listened to my work voice mail.

17 hours ago, I watched a football game with my family.

17 days ago, I was out having sushi with my 'hood mommas.

17 months ago, I was recovering from elective surgery

17 years ago, my little brother was killed in a car accident.

He was 17.

The date was January 17, 1994.

I kind of hate the number 17.

Carpe Diem, PTA. Save me a spot.

FFO 1-21

2011-01-21T05:38:00.004-05:00

Aren't you glad you got my "Things that don't suck" yesterday? I know. I can be shiny happy people sometimes.

Here's some things that DO suck. And I intend to flip them off - so that maybe? I can enjoy my weekend...I'm leaving the shit here, in words, so that I can move along, lil' doggie.

Brand new contacts that go all hay-wire in my overtied eyes? Flip Off.

Back problems. Mr. Kiss, not me. He's had a bad back for ages. The dude is 6'4" and has been an athlete since he can remember. Sore, tight back. Well this past summer, he broke his ankle like a dumb ass, jumping into our pool. That caused him to stay off the left foot and while it was healing, he totally fucked up his gait. So this Fall, he was waking up with the worst pain ever. Like make a grown man cry pain. He had an MRI and was given 800's of ibuprofen and muscle relaxers (which do nothing for him, I get the leftovers!) MRI reading: Primary care says it's a bulging disk. More drugs. Neurosurgeon? Oh No. It's not just bulging. Nope. A piece of a disk has BROKEN off and is pressing on a nerve. Fucking AYE, no wonder he's been in pain. I really thought he's just been being a big baby. Treatment is a steroid shot, if that doesn't work, surgery. Awesome. Not. Fuck Off Potential Back Surgery.

Decisions that need to be made. I'm already running around my life like a two headed sesame street character. I don't need no more issues, for real! So flip off, crazy busy life.

My nails? For being so perfectly healthy that you grow too fast? Seriously fuck right off. I mean, it makes for a gorgeous Tall Mann salute, but it's expensive to update these nails every 2 weeks instead of 3.

Wasn't that lame? I mean...fun?

Join in, and link up. If you link a non-Friday Flip Off-link, I'm kicking your ass. You've been warned.

Things that Don't suck

2011-01-20T10:57:00.001-05:00

And now, a list...

Things that Don't Suck:

62 degrees in January
Massage therapy
A not having an allergic reaction to Taxol
Friends who take your kids for an hour so you can see straight
Brothers belly laughing with, and AT, each other
Meatloaf
A being negative for her genetic testing [she's NOT a carrier of the gene]
Crave Cupcakes. For breakfast
Moms who are finally able to go back to work after almost a year after surgical procedures
Cards about poop that make me literally laugh out loud
Neurosurgeons.
Donations supporting me for the Susan G. Komen 3 Day Walk
The word Fuck
Friends who understand you, love you and don't judge you. Even when you've been preoccupied and not necessarily in touch
4,000 square foot homes for $350k. Or less
Flexible, understanding bosses
The motherfucking Green Bay Packers

Friday WHA?

2011-01-14T06:41:00.001-05:00

I'm thumbing this in.

Sorry kids, I couldn't get online for Friday Flip offs, even though I have some.

Yesterday I had the afternoon off to go to A's chemo appt with her. She's starting a new one. Toxil? And something went wrong on the scheduling end so she couldn't get it yesterday. I ended up having a sleepover with her and we're going back this morning. It's a 3 hour infusion and apparently a small % have a reaction (anaphylactic reaction) so she's wicked nervous. I have faith she'll be fine.

So we had dinner and hung out in jammies and laughed about the mowhawk that remains on the top of her otherwise bald head. It's hysterical, there's one strip that refused to fall out. I also told her she should put a temp tat on her head. To look all gangsta. She didn't approve.

On all other fronts I have a shitton going on. Potential Texas job things, kid stuff, my work schedule, a fight with a best friend, traveling and not sure how to explain it to the kids, sleeping with them because I have mom guilt that I don't see them enough.

Yah.

Just that.

Anyone want to send me a slap upside the head? Or a bag of chocolate? Anyone?

WW. What Is It??

2011-01-12T19:01:00.000-05:00

I have a Uniform Problem

2011-01-09T09:43:00.001-05:00

Oh, you know the uniform, right?

The one you’ll find me in whenever I’m NOT in work clothes or jammies?

The Velour Tracksuit.

a.k.a. The Hip Mom Uniform.

[that's not me, obvs, but isn’t she pretty?]

'Tis true, I’ve become one with my Uniform. Weekends, I’ll choose it over a pair of jeans.

Unless I’m going out, natch. Gotta bust a move in heels and my bootay huggin’ hipster jeans, right? Otherwise? The Uniform.

I have Uniforms in black, dark gray, brown, deep purple and green.

I know. Green. I have a lil story about the green…

Last year, I mean, the 2009 Christmas “last year,” I absolutely needed a new Uniform for a visit with my co-Uniform enjoyer BoBo. I chose Kelly green. You know, like for Christmas! I never ever intended to wear the pants and hoodie together, I swear. But I liked the color and the hoodie would be perfect w/ the black bottoms – the green bottoms perfect with a long sleeve top for lounging by the fire.

And for a year, this separation worked.

But.

This past Christmas, I was extra festive. Feeling the spirit! On Vacation! Having mimosas at 10am!

In the green Uniform. Both pieces. Together.

I looked like a friggin elf, and not in the pixie-cute-tiny way. Nope. In the “damn, she’s awfully GREEN and what the fuck GREEN” way.

Now now, don't worry about lil ole me. I don’t need an intervention. I’ve already retired the Green Uniform. Some lovely Goodwill shopper will be able to lounge in Kelly Green Comfort any day now…

I’ll pray for them.

FFO 1-07

2011-01-07T00:05:00.001-05:00

Ahhhhhh, yes. It's Friday Flip Off time again. People. I took a couple of weeks off because, well you don't wanna go flipping shit off on the eve of Baby Jesus' birth. Unless you're agnostic. Or Jewish? I don't know. But then it was New Year's Eve, and well, Ahem....

Moving on.

So yes, Friday, time to flip stuff off, shake it off and let yourself enjoy your weekend.

Who's in?

I'm not gonna lie, over the past month-ish, a lot of things totally pissed me off. I was sicker than a fucking dog. My girl A was beginning chemo. My kids were all up in my business more than you can imagine. My momma visited (YAY!) but then had to go (sadpanda). So. Much.

But I'm not gonna dwell on that crap.

I will tell you that A? Is kicking cancer's ASS. She had almost no reaction to the first 4 rounds of chemo. Her hair? Gone. But her wig? She lovingly refers to it as Nancy and it looks incredible. She's getting a lil more tired, and next week, she starts the second half of treatments. This? Is giving her anxiety. She did so well with the first part, she's nervous fate won't let her off as easy for the second part. I'm going with her to the treatment next week - which I'm hoping will be OK. Moral of this story? Again - cancer - Fuck You and the nasty gene you fucking rode in on. We're fighting and we're not going to stop.

Up next?

5.5 year olds AND 3.5 year olds who act like total babies with the whining and tantruming and early morning wake up calls.

Sweet baby jesus, my dear cherubs, you get this:

Don't mess with a tired MommaKiss, kids.

Got any flips to share? Link up!

And The Evil Santa Goes To.....

2011-01-05T10:28:00.009-05:00

Remember when I said that Evil Santa has left the building ? And that it was coming to ONE OF YOU???

Well if you don’t remember and don’t want to click around, I said it. Just believe in me.

Seriously, the moment my in-laws left on Christmas day, that creepy dude was stuffed into a priority mail envelope and shipped off soon after…Guess where he went??

Can ya??

Check this picture:

Do you know who that is?? You know you know!

It’s Baby e of course! That’s right – Evil Santa has arrived in the land of The Empress.

But Wait, there’s MORE! That Evil Santa is continuing his world tour for 2011…when Baby e is done with him? Some other unsuspecting lovely will get him for 2012.

Where he goes is up to The Empress of course, but I pray he’s not sent to Poppy . That bitch will burn him.

It’s the bloggerhood of the traveling BondageSanta...

You’ve been warned.

Be good to him, Baby e. Be real good.

Crooked

2011-01-02T21:22:00.003-05:00

My 3 year old has a crooked dinger.

How the hell do I know this?

Because the dude loves to run around naked, sit around naked, eat naked and watch cartoons naked.

During cartoons this evening, he was getting ready for his bath and was naked, natch.

He's never happy to just sit there, though. Boy mommas, you've probably been through this, yes? I mean, I also have a 5.5 year old and yes - I've been through it when he was around 3.

Whilst sitting there in all his glory watching Team Umi Zoomi, counting "5, 4, 3, 2, 1!" he's swatting at his junk. Flinging the dinger. Pushing it left and right.

I wasn't really paying attention - I mean - boys will be boys (youNEVERGROWOUTOFTHISDOYOU??) but then I heard him ask:

"Momma, why is my Prenis crooked?"

"Erm, Daddy??"

"Momma, is Your Prenis crooked?"

"Nope, Remember, Momma doesn't have a penis. DADDY!"

Mr. Kiss was in the hallway listening to the entire conversation and came in to try to answer when the 5 year old said "Hey, Look, Mine's crooked, too!"

At which point I had to leave to fold some laundry or scrub a toilet or something. What the hell? How the fuck am I supposed to just sit there and not laugh my ass off at my children asking questions and SHOWING me their crooked weenies?

Jaysus...

2011.

Here we go.

[p.s. people. i've been terribly absent. clearly i'm aware. but my momma was visiting from too far away and now she's gone and believe me when i say that i NEEDED this laugh tonight...i miss my momma and always get depressed after she leaves. always. i'll be around to say hi in time. or not. whatever :p]

Evil Santa has left the building

2010-12-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

That's right. I'm done.

This creepy fucker has stared at me for the last time.

And?

He's coming to stay with one of YOU!!!

It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Bwahahahahaha!

Wordless Weds 12.22

2010-12-22T09:03:00.001-05:00

Loveable Louise

2010-12-21T11:53:00.001-05:00

This is an e-mail forward from A, and it's too good not to share.

Everyone has a good holiday story, and this one? Made me laugh so hard I cried. Literally cried.

Enjoy and here's hoping that you all have a laugh your ass off "Louise" moment this holiday season.

*********************

As you contemplate the coming holidays with your relatives, I thought you might get a chuckle from this tale of an unforgettable Christmas dinner. This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinner. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"

Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas Dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny! Hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with very poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

Antler Up

2010-12-19T08:50:00.002-05:00

KLZ at Taming Insanity is known for those antlers.

She's hosting a linky (and contest, which I MUST WIN!!) for others sportin' their antlers.

*Photo taken by my Momma. She's here. Did I mention? Heh. 'Tis why I'm not playin online as much. You know you miss me. Just admit it.

And tell KLZ to pick me as a winner, dammit. I'm hot. I deserve it.

My Momma is...

2010-12-14T13:14:00.002-05:00

My Momma is a baker. When I was little and we all lived as a nuclear family, my momma owned a bakery. The only one in our tiny little town. We would march past the bakery on the way to school and get our breakfast, because Momma had been there since 4am. She specialized in “Nisu” a finnish word for sweet dough. Think cinnamon buns, but also bread made from the dough, ‘magic twists’. Mmmm. She also specialized in cakes. Cake decorating, to be precise. She even taught classes. This was years ago, before fondant and painting pics on a cake. Every rose was hand crafted out of frosting. Every word was written out in cursive, in frosting. She still decorates that way and we have the BEST cakes at our functions. She also sends baked goods as her Christmas gifts and this year? I’ll get them fresh, baked right in MY KITCHEN!

My Momma is a teacher. She taught cake decorating classes, she taught me to be frugal, she taught me to love unconditionally, she taught me to stick up for myself, she taught me to laugh, she taught me to cry, she taught me that nothing in the world is worth more than your child’s happiness.

My Momma is a nutcake.

‘nuff said.

My Momma is a healer. She has magic powers. Even through arthritic hands, she can cure sore and tired feet, brush the stress out of your head, and remove tension knots from the shoulders like a Russian masseuse.

In 3 sleeps, I will have my Momma with me.

My kids will get to snuggle with Gramma JuJu and help her bake and “do art” with her. My husband will have free time in Manland so that Momma and I can watch stupid movies from ABC Family and The Hallmark Channel.

My Momma. My healer, my baker, my teacher.

My Momma.

I cry "Uncle"

2010-12-13T14:39:00.000-05:00

Seriously.

Hands in the air, tossin in the white flag, I'm done.

FFO 12-10

2010-12-10T00:02:00.000-05:00

Friday.

Yes, what a lovely week it's been. I have a solution, though, I plan to flip shit off and rid myself of the crank before the weekend begins.

Oof, I have just one flip off today...

MYSELF.

That's right. One swollen vienna sausage middle finger flip off to me. For being tired. And sick. And sick of being sick and tired. OK, I could flip that off, too, but I'm not. I'm just sayin' that everything going on around me has really gotten to me. I've been hiding a bit. From all y'all. From family. From work.

I need to cut it out, don't you think?

Link Up - even if you just want to flip Me off, too! :p

Sometimes it's fun being married to me

2010-12-05T08:38:00.004-05:00

I got this e-mail from Mr. Kiss the other day:

Thanks for being a working mom. It takes a lot to do that nowadays and glad you have a grasp on that and expenses. I see some of the guys really struggling here with this decision to move* because they are single income with wives who don’t ‘get it’.

Love you.

*the move is a potential job in Texas, as their company has been bought by the Fucking French.

Well his e-mail kinda made my year.

I shop. I shop a LOT. Mostly at Target. But I can get every-fucking-thing-under-the-SUN at Target. Prescriptions, food, make up, shampoo, toys, clothes, miralax (don't ask).

And sometimes? He gives me shit about the Target bill. Like "That was $1,300 in the past 3 months!" Well, Honeypie, imagine if I were some snoot and HAD to shop at Needless Markup? Or even Macy's? And HAD to buy shoes Jimmy Choo?

Because seriously, that would most likely quad-triple-multiply the monthly expenditures.

After I let it sink in, I had to realize that even though the man gets under my nerves sometimes, he's pretty good to have around. Just acknowledging the struggles of a working mom gets him some points, not to mention the "love you." He rarely signs e-mails that way.

So I had to reply to him, right?

Here you go:

Who are you and what did you do with my husband?

Kidding, Thank You. Love you, too.

p.s. this means my dress shopping at Target was ok, right? Spent $39 for your party, but it could have been $129.99 at Ann Taylor :)

p.p.s. I need $40 for my hair appointment tomorrow, for your Party.

p.p.p.s. And don't forget I'm getting my nails done. For Your Party!

Don'tcha wish you were married to me?

footy-note. I'm off to NYC for a while.

Friday Flip Off 12-3

2010-12-03T05:36:00.002-05:00

Tuesday evening, we took the boys for hair cuts. They typically do a close cut, #2 on the sides, #3 on the back. This winter, we're trying to grow it a little to give them a style. For the growing process, their girl had to do some blending, so the buzzers were used.

It's such a distinct sound, the buzz of an electric clipper. Moving up the head as the hair just falls away...

Wednesday morning when I showered, I distinctly remembered washing my hair. Smooshing the soap around, running my fingers through to get all of the conditioner out, grabbing all of the lose ends and rinsing them down. I remember blow drying my hair - thinking what a pain in the ass it was.

Wednesday afternoon, I remember being annoyed at the rain that was messing up my hair as I ran across the street to the cafe.

I was meeting A.

We were having a cocktail before going to the salon.

The salon where she got her head shaved.

Did she do the same on Wednesday morning? Did she try to remember her 'last day' with her "Mess"-y hair? Was she scared as the clippers started to buzz...

I can't speak for A, but as one of few witnesses, I can say she sat with her shoulders high and a smile on her face.

Even through the tears and trembling chin, she smiled.

Today, I have a double middle finger flip off to Stage 3 Breast Cancer. Once again, Fuck You. For making my friend have to be so very brave. And for making me be strong in the face of fear, but losing my shit for an entire day after.

a linky for sharing...

WW - thanks MIL

2010-12-01T00:31:00.001-05:00

Mega Monday Update. Oof.

2010-11-29T01:23:00.005-05:00

Holy Balls, I feel like November just flew by. All of 2010 actually.

Just here to share some thingies.

The Friday after Thanksgiving, we decided to start a new tradition with the boys. Indoor Water Park. Yes, this is a tad insane - considering I had consumed approximately 23948729 calories the day before. I'll just say I had Nothing to worry about - I was lookin' good. And sportin' the pigs, obvs.

The boys totally loved it and slept really well after - Win!

Lookie here! I got a few gifts:

I was lucky enough to be asked to take part in a Mug Swap for the holidays. The lovely and charming KLZ at Taming Insanity drew my name - stoked! My hot mug has her blog button and says "Battling Beavers since 2010," Beavers are funny.

While we're at it, she's in this contest to go to the Blissdom conference. Help a sista out and vote. Please?? Just do that shit. Send KLZ to Blissdom!

I also got a Mug O' Boobs from that Mad Woman. Not for the swap, just cuz she loves me and knows I like boobs. Boobs. Say it. It feels good.

I sent a mug to The Truth about Motherhood. Poor thing, I wasn't as creative as these ladies. She has a white mug with the back of my head on it. Because who wouldn't want to have coffee out of that?

Moving right along, Liz at a belle a bean and a chicago dog honored me with the Chicago Dog award. She wrote the funniest post about how she thinks of certain bloggers as buddies. My buddy? Kimberly who blogs here. She's hilare, and really does 'talk' like me.

Little does Kimberly know, I already ate the best part of the dog...

Ok. Tired yet? Sorry, and fyi? I'm actually awake right now. Yes. At almost 2am on Monday morning.

But don't go yet! There's MORE!

I was able to take part in Gigi's "Thanksgiving Table" and I'm pretty sure my day is today. Or tomorrow. Monday. I think. Anyway, go read, please? It's a MK memory of a childhood Thanksgiving.

Last, but definitely not least, my girl A? She had her first dose of chemo on November 18th. She waited and waited to feel sick. Never came. She's taken to calling her cancer her "mess," and the next part of this mess is losing her hair. That hot shit is taking charge and she wants NO part of the hair 'clumping' out. So on Wednesday, she's going to shave her head. Just a few of us will be there, and if she needs me to, I'll be sitting next to her in the chair. A? Has a wig picked out and paid for. Me? Not so much. But I hear the halloween stores are having a wicked sale, so, you know, I'll figure something out. Thursday she'll have her next dose of chemo and continue fighting this mess.

Let's sum this up.

The only "shower" I had in a matter of 3+ days was at a water park, I have new coffee mugs, I'm so cool I don't need ketchup, I have a thanksgiving post up after thanksgiving and A is a fucking inspiration.

Any questions?

The Calendar for Papa

2010-11-29T00:30:00.000-05:00

Let’s talk about Shutterfly.

I have been sick and tired and working and sick and being a mom and HOLY CRAP, I’ve realized I haven’t made The Calendar for Papa. The Shutterfly Calendar. Every year since having Big Kiss I’ve made him a calendar and it’s by far his favorite gift. One year, I was lazy, I MEAN, it was shipped late and I forgot to tell him that it was in fact on the way and that he would have it before January 1^st. He literally wiped his brow and said “Whew.” I sort of look forward to making it too, not gonna lie.

Today? While I’ve been home trying to breathe properly? I’m also working on the calendar. It’s not December 1 yet, I’m not that far behind. Oh - why does it take me so long? Because I make the photo collage in photoshop and then upload my images. One of kind, people.

I’ve stored my pics on shutterfly for years. I’m talking like 10 years. They have the cutest photo cards and birthday invitations. Check ‘em out – free photo storage is one thing, but I also love their customer service.

You want free cards this year? Check it out. I'm not above free sh!t. "Bloggers get 50 free holiday cards from Shutterfly http://bit.ly/sfly2010 "

Six Word Saturday

2010-11-27T06:52:00.001-05:00

I haven't showered since Wednesday morning.

A few of my favorite things - MK Memory

2010-11-22T08:12:00.000-05:00

Thought I'd share this from last year - a tour of my Christmas stuff!

Anyone want to join in? I'll do this again for my 2010 decorations and add a linky. How's the second week of December.

I'm totes in the Christmas spirit this year. It's hit me like a mack truck and I am just going with it.

Sing along with me, will you? "Raindrops on Roses and whiskers on kittens..." - Oh hell to the NO - I'm NOT a cat person. But, the whole "favorite things" are making me smile.

I give you...

Momma Kiss' favorite Christmas Decorations!

This is taken from my front entry way. Actually Big Kiss took it, just this evening. Our living room has this huge open ceiling that provides for a lot of light and living. We LIVE in our living room. No plastic on the Kiss Hizza couches. So the ornaments hanging from the upstairs ceiling and the lights on the banister up and around the look-over make me mega happy. Also? Do ya see that little mistle toe? Do ya? It's actually a kissing ball - and gets a lot of action if I do say so myself.

My very first 'ornament' received upon moving to Boston. It was some decor for my cubicle, as I was part of the zoo called Public Accounting...and tho we were rarely in the office, when I was - it was nice to see this lil plush poinsettia at my desk.

This lil' beauty was given to me by my mother in law. The first Christmas "out East" was my first in 26 years that I wasn't with my mom. By the way, I was 26. So yah, my first EVER. And my future in-laws really made me feel welcome. They had all sorts of presents for me and even a stocking. Hello loved! Plus? She sorta looks like me - so yah, it's a keeper.

Moving right along, yes, this is a New York Yankee's ornament. Get over it. I met Mr. Kiss at a Yankee game. So it's a treasure.

I now present the crystal tree that hangs on my real tree! Given to me by a dear dear friend about 8 years ago. It's sparkly and catches every single little light.

It was Christmas of 2006. I had an 18 month old cherub. We dumped him off with Gram & Gramps and went to NYC for the weekend. Mr. Kiss surprised me with tickets to see A Christmas at Rockefeller Center (or whatever the Eff it's called - the Rockette's danced). Naturally, I had to buy this totally overpriced ornament, you know, for posterity's sake.

Got this the first year we owned a home. Not a 450 sq foot condo...a HOME!

My children made this last week. A paper chain. From post-it notes. Lovely.

Can you see how cute that little shit is? That's Big Kiss. When he was 5 mos old. Dressed as Santa. He couldn't even sit up, such a weeble. My hands were behind the curtain holding his fat ass up. I guess he was meant to be Santa that year.

Well Eff Me, you can't really see it. I may need to find another version of the picture.

Know what is NOT one of my favorite things?

One string of lights went out on my tree. ONE. In the fucking middle. Well actually near the bottom. I'm so pissed, I'm tempted to just leave it as is - you know - and we shall say it was The Christmas of the Retarded Half-Lit Tree.*

*At least we know Momma was lit when she tried to post this goddam thing.

p.s. Did you know how bad Egg Nog is for you? Especially the Sugar Cookie Egg Nog type? Really bad. Lots of calories and fat and sugar and all that yummy delicious goodness. Especially bad for you when you spike it. Because who Doesn't spike their egg nog?

p.p.s. If you can't tell where the lights are out, then you're clearly not as Christmas Tree Light Decorating obsessed as I am and we could never ever be best friends. The End.

Queens

2010-11-20T11:00:00.003-05:00

Last night I went to a club called Jacques in Boston. "Ladies" night. Except the ladies were drag queens.

It was fabulous.

I was on stage because my "friends" told someone it was my birthday. Where I shared my age and won the title Old Bitch. (I was the hottest, natch). Also, I kissed the upper boobage of the MC.

I got a lap dance by a Queen pushin' 350. With visible back fat. Wearing a glitter pants suit.

A chick next to us was wearing black boy shorts, black bra and a fishnet thingy over it. I'm sure she was a girl because I made her show me that she wasn't tucking peen.

I may or may not have bit her tush. I also may or may not have kissed her. With tongue. Someone got a picture and let me share? She was a Butter Face.

Um.

Beer Goggles. Not for the light of heart.

(Fyi you friday flippers rock! I'll be by once I can see straight again.)

*everything was hot but her face

Picture update:

Holy Hell.

[my 'entrance' stamp. everyone else had a green dot.]

Friday Flips 11-19

2010-11-19T05:56:00.001-05:00

Friday Flip Off, Kids!

Flip off the things that got to you this week and have happy weekend.

Unlike me, I'll be working this weekend. Awesome.

I'll be quick, then Ima Let You Finish...

Flip off hacking coughs.

Flip you changing work schedules.

Fuck you, chemo therapy. By the way, Therapy? What. The. Fuck.

p.s. I saw this blog yesterday: "So I had Cancer..." Breast Cancer Survivor. Rock the Fuck On.

B) did you know Thanksgiving is like less than a week away? The Hell???

3) I won't do a Flip off next week. We all know you'll be out shopping or nursing a turkey hangover. Enjoy that.

Link up fools. It feels good.

For A.

2010-11-17T21:38:00.000-05:00

My girl A starts chemo on Thursday.

That is all.

Tough Love is Tough

2010-11-16T20:00:00.004-05:00

I got home to smiling faces and hugs. After a long day at work, it was just what the doctor ordered.

Until my husband gave me the stink eye for 'distracting' the kids during dinner.

Yes.

Seriously.

frustration level: 4

So I went to sit at the table with them.

Mr. Kiss left for the gym, haircut and grocery store. Boys and I are reading, then we play checkers and they ask me to turn on The Fresh Beat Band.

frustration level: 7 [but they love that show]

Big Kiss, who is 5, starts whining for more to eat. Like we starve him. We don't. He eats plenty. I said no, he whines more that he "used his manners." I said [in my still croaky voice] "thank you, but the answer is still no."

Everyone calms down - upstairs for bed.

frustration level: back to maybe a 3

While I'm getting Lil Kiss' medication, screaming ensues upstairs. Big jumped and scared Lil, they smacked heads - Crying. Fits. "I'm Sorry's"

frustration level: 8

"Ok, jammies on, no books. In bed."

5 year old? Chucks a stage 6 tantrum. Kicking his legs, cries for daddy (nice try), says he's not my friend, whatthefuckever, can you see where I'm going here?

frustration level: 92384729138173

I lose my shit, which Mommas are never supposed to do [I lie].

Lights out. Momma feels like a total asshole. Babies are crying in their beds.

Follow through, Tough love. Better in the morning.

Little squeaky voice "I need a tissue, please, momma. "

I give each kid a big hug. Whisper to them to please go back to bed. "Let's all have a better night tomorrow."

Think they'll forgive me? Think they'll hear me when I go and lay next to their sleepy bodies and tell their sleepy heads that I'm sorry? Think I'm the worst mom ever? Think my husband will be getting the stink eye upon his return?

I'm mute

2010-11-15T09:46:00.001-05:00

I have lost my voice.

No, I don't mean figuratively, as in "GAH, I don't know what to blog about! Poor ME!"

I mean as in I have no sound coming out of my mouth when I try to speak.

Unless you count the dragon-like husky, hack-ridden sounds...well, let's not go there. So I'm whispering. Or making that universal "point to throat and shake head" sign that everyone should know means "I'm mute."

I think that this "whisper" thing brings great joy to my husband (can't nag); my children (can't yell); and my co-workers (can't complain).

As for all y'all? Well, most of y'all? Have never heard my voice anyway, so just pretend it's like angels singing. Angels singing after eating cotton candy and riding a unicorn. So beautiful. So poetic. So lovely.

And today the world does not get to experience it.

Poor world. Poor poor world.

FFO 11.12.10

2010-11-11T23:58:00.001-05:00

Friday

Flip Off Time! What kind of stuff pissed you off this week? Give it a flip-off and forget about it!

I'm just going to jump right in. My birthday was 2 weeks ago. Two whole weeks already. And I received the most thoughtful gifts and words. From SO MANY. But wanna know who didn't wish me a Happy Birthday? My family. I'm talkin' bout my brothers, sister, that family. My Momma, she sent a card. She had an infusion that day, though, and didn't call me. First year, in, I don't know, EVER that I didn't talk to my Momma on my birthday. I had a really really great day. But I'm giving a double flip off to my family for forgetting.

People who don't know how to handle themselves professionally at work - Flip The Fuck Off. 'Nuff Said.

Count downs to Christmas, Aye YyeEye - FUCKING AYE - Flip Off because I'm soooooo not ready!

Speaking of Christmas - I wrote a MommaKissMemory for Mad's Blogging Mom yesterday. Thanks for coming by y'all. [After I begged.] If you haven't seen it, stop by. It's a touchy feely sort of post. Rare for me. I. Know.

Didja want to know if you won the my inspired gift basket thingy? Again, ladies and gents, you entertained me.

Guess What? John - you win! WOOT! E-mail me your address, mmkay?

fyi? good thing the number was small - because I had to count by hand. The things I do for you kids.

Now link up, will ya? It's Friday Flip Offs, people!

Boys. They don't get it.

2010-11-10T16:55:00.002-05:00

Today I wore a dress.

It's a pretty snazzy dress, one that I have only recently been able to wear again. Finally losing my gunt has been fabulous for the wardrobe. It's a deep red and fits the season. Since it's chilly up in these parts, I also had to wear nylons.

Fine, I haven't shaved my legs. Details.

For whatever reason, I was up early enough to be fully dressed and ready to go before the boys even stumbled out of bed. I know! Shut Up! My 5 year old saunters in to pee and when he's done, looks up at me with his head cocked and says "Why you look like that today? This uniform?"

It's not a fucking uni, kid.

Of course, I didn't say that (out loud). I said "It's just a dress dude, I wanted to wear it to wear to work today." He doesn't need to know that all of my work pants are in the laundry.

His reply: "You look gorgeous."

And he still had those warm-from-sleep cheeks.

Sigh.

We go downstairs for breakfast and it's time for Little Kiss to whine his way to the table. That kid wakes like his Momma-there ain't nothing easy about it.

They eat, I finish my coffee. Little Kiss finally takes a gander and says "You look pretty, Momma - what's deese?" And he comes over to feel my legs. The ones covered in the pantyhose.

I say "They're called nylons. They're like socks, that Mommas wear with dresses."

Then each kid comes over to touch my leg, one puts his head on my shin and says "They soft."

And then? Lil Kiss says "How far they go? How tall them socks?" as he's trying to get to 3rd base with his hands.

Mentally calc'ing the therapy bill, I lift one side of my dress and show them "They go all the way up to my belly, see?" Not quick enough - I remember that Momma goes commando in nylons and quickly put the hem of the dress back in place.

Didn't phase them.

They got their sneakers on, smooch me good bye, Mr. Kiss gave me a wink and off they all go. Down the sidewalk, leaving me to ponder my long socks and if I'm going to get a note from Big Kiss' teacher this evening.

All because I forgot to shave my damn legs.

I Was Inspired

2010-11-09T12:31:00.008-05:00

This morning I was inspired.

Yes, me!

I was invited by our auditors to attend a breakfast, including free coffee. I mean really –

Free Coffee?? I’m. So. In. I was pleasantly surprised to see that this wasn’t some small kvetchy klub, though. Nope, I was a guest at their table for the 19th Annual Leading Women Award Breakfast hosted by the Girl Scouts of Eastern Massachusetts.

The overall message that these girls learn is how important it is to respect themselves and others. To be involved. To serve. Young brave girls took the stage to introduce incredible women who themselves were girl scouts as wee lasses. Today, they are CEOs and Law Partners and Presidents of colleges and basically kicking ass, one day at a time.

They shared this video, which almost made me cry. And made me wish I had a girl to mentor.

So I thought I’d share with you – those of you with girls in your family or girls around you.

Swear to God, I’m not a sponsor of the organization or anything, I was just truly moved today and couldn’t keep it in.

Also? I won the centerpiece thingy. All Au Bon Pain products. There’s ground coffee, a reusable coffee mug, chocolate covered pretzels, cookie thingies, chocolate candies and a bag with nuts and stuff.

Since I’m on a diet, I can’t have it near me much longer. And since I don’t want to just put it out for my ungracious co-workers, I want to give it to one of you. How Nice Am I???? I’m nice. I know, you can stop saying it already. *

So comment away – no rules, other than you MUST leave an e-mail address. I’ll pick a winner on Friday. No wait, Thursday night, and I’ll post the winner on Friday. There.

*thin mints not included. Those bitches are MINE.