Wordless Wednesday - 6.30.10

Send Soup.

I'm sick. Hella sick.

I have strep. Or as the nurse said when she called - "your rapid swab test came back positive for "streptococcus".

Do you know how they get that 'rapid swab?' You lean back, say AH and they roll a super long q-tip around the back of your throat, which already feels like it's being ripped by razor blades. And then you gag. That was fun.

There's a long stupid story surrounding the acquisition of said sickness, alas, I'm too fucking sore to sit here and type it. My neck feels like I'm channeling Jaba The Hut and I can barely swallow.

Wanna know what else is Incredibly Awesome?! I get to chug water and choke down horse pills whilst wrangling up my kids - on my own. Mr. Kiss is working away this week.

Super.

Six Word Saturday

Even at 4, I was charming.


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lil side note? I finally remembered to change my feed settings to full. sorry it took me so long.

Ode to Aiming Low.

I didn’t intend to blog today – that last bit o’ random was totally enough MommaKiss for a few days.

 

I can’t help myself, though, I have to share that I won something. I won a give away. And it’s a doozy!

 

So I’m minding my own business this morning, having a lil’ quickie with Target before work (sigh, amazing what you can get accomplished in 7 minutes…) and I’m in line to pay and my phone buzzes, showing me a an e-mail.

 

From The Ali Martell.

 

Subject: “congrats from Aiming Low”

 

Um, heart palpitations. No really, I started to pit-out.

 

This past week, I wrote a comment on their site – Aiming Low – because the lovlies there were giving away HP printers. So I commented and carried on, totally thinking I’d be jealous of the winners and bla bla bla.

 

Donthca Know – I’m the Grand Prize Winner baby. Look at this thing! It’s an HP Photosmart Premium Touchsmart Web AiO. They say it's easy to use. Please pray for me. That's a lotta buttons.

 

 

 

I am beyond excited.

 

The ladies of Aiming Low are divine. Truly. I met (and totally hugged) a few of them last fall when I went to an event in Boston.

 

And because I’m now a winner winner chicken dinner, it’s only fair that share some of the ways that I Aim Low: 

• Sometimes dinner is a bowl of cereal. For me AND the kids. Could be Lucky Charms, could be Fiber One. We mix it up.
• I am notorious for rockin’ hats on the weekend, less fuss with the hair.
• When I’m wearing a casual skirt and have to pee, I just hike it up. No buttons or zippers. Way easier. White trash? Perchance. But easy.
• For birthdays? Why mess with a whole big cake that you have to decorate? I just bake cupcakes, frost quick-like, use some sugar sprinklies and then decorate with print outs of the kid’s ‘character of the moment.’ i.e. Spiderman, Transformers, Diego. Just print and cut, tape on a toothpick and shove it in the cupcake.

Ha ha, lookit that, I rolled that last one into me winning the printer. Not bad, eh?

 

Have a good weekend, y'all.

My brain, it needs to be emptied.

I swear to God I should just rename this corner of the Web “random” because I can’t string thoughts together to save my ass lately.

But here’s some more – enjoy the ride through my brain.

I’m wearing those floppy loud shoes today. The kind I hate. But I didn’t even know they were flappy! They’re so pretty and make me much taller than my 5’2” (and a quarter) self! See??

*

The fuckers flip flap flop and I’m pissed. Not pissed enough to not wear them, tho. See above re: make me tall.

My Momma had surgery again. I’m pretty bummed about her disease (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and how it’s taken over her body. This time it was her shoulder, and now she’s thousands of miles away, recuperating, with no one to come and cook her dinner or wash her dishes. Well, she’s got ‘people’ but not family. I miss my Momma. A hundred kinds of misses.

My 5 year old is into silly bands. Or Silly Bandz (the original - which you can only buy online). I think they’re a total piece of shit and wish the fad would go away quickly. Or maybe I’ll accidentally break them one night.

I started wearing a pedometer this week. Trying to reach those 10k steps a day, Jillian! I question, though - how the hell do they work? I mean, if I put it on in the car, how does it know I’m driving and not walking? I’m easily confused, I get it, but it’s this tiny thing and I can’t figure it out. I just stare at it as I’m walking and I try to trick it. Like walk backwards and sideways. It’s not fooled people. Not at all.

I still have to do 15 credit hours for my CPA license renewal. By the end of this month. I really suck at continuing education. Especially at the last minute. And I now have 6 days (weekends included) to get it done. Where’s the drink time? Pool time? Confusing my pedometer time?!

Not to mention, I feel like I’ve been off more than I’ve worked this month. Kinda feeling guilty about that. Like I don’t deserve a paycheck or something. Hell, that’s what vacation days are for, though, right?

Oh – vacation! I’m going on one. In July. To MONTANA! Yep. We’re going to the rodeo, baby. Kiss Style! (you know I’ll have to get a hat and boots – bet your ass I’ll even take pictures). The fly time – with 2 small children – is going to feel like days. I’ll have to drug them. Or me. Hey, makes me think of the time I few to Montana and Big Kiss was only like 8 weeks old and I fell asleep with him on my lap and he rolled onto the floor. Yah, that’s a good story, that one.

I think I’ve sufficiently brain dumped for the day. Probably even the weekend. You’re welcome ;)


*Um, lil side note from that picture? I made that mess on my desk. Today. Jaysus, how can anyone work like that? I’m chipping away at it. One lil accounting rule at a time…

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people i just had to edit my blog title. I initially wrote "My brian, it needs to be emptied."  Brian. BRIAN! Jaysus, brian not brain. I'm such an ignoramous. 

WORDY wednesday

There are some things I'd like to say – out loud – that probably shouldn’t be said, but you know what? This here is my space to spew, so I’m about to.

Here goes.

I got a really sweet comment on my asthma/Horton story and no way to respond to the person. No e-mail, nothing. So perchance s/he really just wanted to share some info and move along without me asking a hundred follow up questions. Whatever the reason I'm felling all lost and in limbo over this.

And then? I see this. On a forum I've never ever been to. And I'm getting all complimented and stuff.  Thanks to my stat thingy for showing me the way. And thank you - random reader - for being so nice :p If I didn't have to create an account to reply to you - I'd say thanks there.
http://community.thebump.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/38211708.aspx

I ‘subscribe’ to entirely too many blogs in a reader and I wish I could get around to them daily, but I can’t and I need to not feel guilty about it. I read and comment when I can. I’ve met some super cool people who make me laugh and cry with their writing and drawings and it should be fun, not a job. So there – don’t be mad that I had to just clear my google reader the other day – the number 324 unread blogs skerd me.

That said? Those who pimp out their posts like twice a day-like on twitter-and say "have you commented?" I usually click over. And I say hi if it’s a good story. But there are at least a handful who never visit me back. And I’m oddly OK with that – just thought I’d share that you’re missing out on some good shit here :P

What the hell is the point of those word verification things? When you try to comment. I don't like them.

Moving along…
The Real Housewives has a new cast coming up: DC. And that crack pot who “crashed” the presidential dinner thingy is in fact a member of the cast. I think she’s a dumb twat solely based on a today show interview that I saw.

One day a few weeks ago I was sitting poolside and reading my USWeekly and in the back there was an ad for a blingy-cupcake-crack cover and I went straight inside and ordered the bitch. I had a COOPON! Well I waited and waited and then it arrived and the cupcake thingy was a little bit crooked. I wrote to customer service, asked for a straight one in exchange. Got the new one on Saturday and the motherfucker was broken. The cover. I’m pissed and e-mailed them for a refund and will tell anyone and everyone what a piece of shit it was but more – I’m pissed it didn’t work out because it’s a damn cute cuppycake! DO NOT BUY from www.fashioncellshop.com <--learn from the idiot. That's me.

I got a facebook friend request from my sister-in-law who is a total C U Next Tuesday. Whore, please. I don't converse with you EVER in real life. What makes you think I want your bitchface lurking my hotness and charm on facebook? IGNORE.

I had a dream the other night that I was playing this game that was a cross between soccer and softball and Hugh Jackman was in it as a soccer dad and I had no pants. That’s it.

PINT - love random

Thanks for letting me play along, SupahMommy!

Going Dutch. Or Danish?

Ooooh, I had the best weekend. The weather was unbelievable. We lounged in Central Park and sipped champagne. Out of cans. Don’t knock it til you try it – it’s this new thing that I read about in Parenting magazine of all places! Coppola makes a cham in a can – called Sophia, and it was just as good as any cham from a bottle.

How cute is that? Comes in a 4-pak. All pretty like.

Also, we just about punched a guy who asked us if we wanted a tour of the park like 14 times. He had NO issues with personal space. And he smelled like horse shit.

We strolled 7th avenue, enjoyed dinner and people watching, talked to each other without a kid interrupting a million times. Slept in. Napped. Ate and drank a lot. Even got to watch a lil bit of baseball, which was heavenly. Hot as HELL but heavenly. Did that make any sense at all?

Totally typical MommaKiss part of the weeknd? It’s Saturday morning around 9.30 and we’re walking thru Times Square so that I can spend a fortune in Sephora and all these crazy foreigners are around. Hooting and hollering and wearing beanie-bopper-thingys on their heads and stickers on their faces. And they’re all wearing Orange – which aided in our realization that they were Denmark soccer supporters, totally shitfaced at a completely unreasonable hour of the day. Guess who else was wearing orange? This kid. Yep. So I joined right in. Marched down the sidewalk w/ them, pretending to know Dutch (is that what they speak in Denmark?*) and screaming and having a blast.

Here’s my orange shirt – and my kick ass fedora [with pigtails, natch]. It was a good weekend ;)

*OK, the people of Denmark speak Danish. Who the hell speaks Dutch? Regardless, now I want a cheese danish. Or raspberry danish. Or cheese with raspberry danish. Which doesn't help AT ALL with the food detox I'm currently rockin.

Friday Flip Off: Mom Guilt can Suck It.

Yay, it’s time to do another Flip Off Friday again! I get to show you my pretty little finger! YAY!!!

BUT WAIT! [say it like the sham wow guy] – it’s not FRIDAY, you say? I know that, silly! I’m blong, but not really *that* dumb. I’m jumping the gun here because I’ll be offline all weekend. [crackberry not included in ‘offline’ – I have needs, you know!]

Yes. I’m getting some kid-free time in the big city. Go. Me.

What’s my problem, you may ask. "You get a weekend off, asshole!" My problem is this here planned vacation? Will be overshadowed by my Mom Guilt.

You ever have that? No? Well then you’re probably too good for me and can move right along. Buh-bye, now.

As I intend to laze around in Central Park and enjoy long luxurious dinners and even possibly a baseball game, my child will be suffering through his asthma treatments. With Grandma. Who’s not the most forward thinking lady around. My in-laws are old school. I’m talking white bread, mayonnaise (neeehhhhvvveeeer miracle whip) and cold cuts plain jane people here. They’re very anti-medication, and barely take their aspirin when told. So the fact that my kid is doing this nebulizing thing, with 2 medications pumped into him, when he’s NOT having an asthma attack [i.e. preventive]…just doesn’t sit right with them.

Our choices are to 1) cancel the trip [um, no] or 2) explain to them how to do it, video included. No other discussion like “maybe he can skip a few doses” or “can we only do the one med?” No. Just slap that mask on him, tell him he’s brave and please give him a cookie when he’s done.

Since I’m choosing option 2, well, then I say FUCK YOU Mom Guilt because why do moms do this do ourselves??? My kid will be fine. Even if Gramma sally’s out and doesn’t give it to him, she’ll lie and say she did. He’ll survive. They’ll have fun with the ‘rents. Be spoiled rotten and pumped full of sugar. Come home with more toys and clothes than we arrived with. Yes. They will be fine. And I’ll be properly pickled. Win Win, right?

*note to you stalker types. I'm aware that I’ve clearly stated that we will be out of town. Know that I have very nosey neighbors who watch our house constantly. When we’re home or not. So just don’t even waste your time trying to steal my Ikea furniture and keurig coffee maker. We’re covered better than ADT.

Friday Flip Offs are the genius idea of KludgyMom. I love playing along. It feels soooooo good. 

Wordless Wednesday - 6.16.10

Horton helps Asthma

My kid has asthma.

Well that’s what we’re currently treating him for.

Let me back up.

The kid will be 3 in September. 2 years ago we found out he had a peanut allergy after he ate a peanut butter cookie and started coughing, choking and puking. Blood test confirmed: Severe peanut allergy. At the age of 1. Grand. And like the good lil parents we are, since then we’ve avoided all nuts, carry epi-pens, benedryl…all the fun stuff.

For most of his life, though, he’s had coughing attacks at night. Some are severe and lead to wheezing, some just annoying and go away with water. Since the peanut allergy was discussed only with our pediatrician, we finally decided to see a specialist. The appointment was yesterday. We thought the coughing, etc. was allergies to who knows what but it turns out it’s most likely asthma.

Which means we get to nebulize him every night for 2 weeks.

With 2 meds.

Which takes approximately 23 minutes to complete.

Have I mentioned this is the perpetual motion kid? The one who rarely watches t.v. (except for Deadliest Catch)? The one who isn’t a snuggler? Well. Yes. This kid sat in his chair with the neb mask on for 23 minutes. I took pictures to show him how he looked. I told him how brave he was. His big brother held his hand. Yep. He did it. And we get to do it for 13 more nights – 2 of which we’ll be away from him so my mother-in-law will get to do it. That should be fun to hear about.

Sidenote – this is the mask we were given. The Fishy Mask. And it’s sorta cute, but when you put the apparatus thingy in the blow hole, it looks like an elephant and so we called it Horton.

I really want to get this one, though, because it just looks way more Bad Ass. The DragonAter.

Getting back to the peanut allergy thing…they wanted to draw blood to test his levels after 2 years of avoiding – and then test all sorts of other things like other nuts, pollen, feathers, dust…which required 6 vials of blood. SIX. He’s 30 lbs. Kid is a tough little fucker, though, and only cried for a sec when they poked him, but then was totally digging all the blood flowing out of him.

Any advice from asthmatics welcome. Or just parents of kids who are perpetually in motion. Because how do you entertain those little monsters?

Anyawy. That was my Monday. Well, that and chilling poolside with my Big Kiss. Because we rock like that. And getting waxed. Not by Big Kiss. But by Hood Momma. Because she rocks like that.

Winner of my 2nd EVER giveaway

It's Sunday Evening. I've had the most amazing weekend. Most. Amazing.

I've also been sad for the afternoon...missing my Bestie. I really hate that word, but there's no other way to describe her. She's like my other half, my better half, and we only get to see each other a few times a year.

ANYWAY - so I'm just going to post the winner winner chicken dinner and then go to bed to rest my body and soul and liver.

THE WINNER IS! Commenter Numero Dos!

so lil mis slinkygirl77, your HAWT MOMENT has arrived! Please e-mail me and I'll put you in touch with the Cafe Press peeps.  Also, pleeeeeeease report back as to which t-shirt you order. Custom or choose one of there's. Let me know! Smooch!

Thanks for playing y'all. Especially Tulpen there, soooo close, dammit.

And Mo and Val...honorable mentions. You get A+ for effort so - because I ROCK THE AWESOME - I'm going to buy each of you a t-shirt. Must be one of my designs (here or the original momma juice)...e-mail me and let me know what design, shirt size and we'll go from there.

'night night y'all.

I need a hobby.

Remember this? That I had made and even modeled for you?

Well then I went and made another one. For a friend...

Pretty sure you can click to view bigger "Sure I have a muffin top, but I still have a FANTASTIC vag."

But then I couldn't stop and kept playing [photoshop-aholics anonymous, please save me a spot]...

*For Fucks Sake

natural blong. alternate: Hoit Blong.





I smell like Sex...and Candy.

carpets = curtains. If you don't know what this means, please do not e-mail me and ask. I'll laugh and laugh and laugh!

cupcake or die. Um, Duh.

And don't forget the lil ones! I may have to buy it for my friend who clearly didn't plan on her 4th child ;)



GAH, I hope whoever wins that t-shirt shows me what the hell they get printed. Make it fun, y'all! Clearly, I'm happy to help - or even share these .jpg files if you'd like to use them. I'm nice like that.

Go enter again. And Again. It's FREE!

I'll pick a winnah on Sunday. Also, I'll be out of touch for the weekend starting like NOW because my bestie is here and I spent $180 at the Wine Vault and we'll most likely be laughing and drinking for 72 hours.  Don't be frightened by the 'clink clink' of the bottles in my recycling. Have a SUPAH weekend.

You're Doin' it WRONG!* Am I?

Being a parent has proved to be one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done.

I grew up in a single parent household. I got good grades. I’ve been working since I was 15. I paid my way through college. I led a healthy single life until I was 28, without getting into too much trouble. That's when I managed to trap someone into marrying me. Deciding to have kids was sort of next, even though I was never EVER a “I need a family to complete me” kinda girl. Having kids - it just sorta made sense. We decided on 2 from the beginning, hoping we’d be able to have kids, that is. Luckily, for reasons unknown, God decided he’d toss some my way and we got just that: 2 beautiful boys.

And I wanted boys.

OH did I want boys. Obviously if we had girls I’d love them to bits anyway, but in my heart, I just felt like I was meant to be a momma to boys.

Babies are sort of easy, you know, when you look at it from the bigger picture. They’re cute. You feed them. You clean them up after countless dirty diapers. You give up your right to sleep so that they can. But all they need is love and caring. You get rewarded with smiles and giggles and firsts…sitting up, crawling, walking, words, sentences, boo-boos, jokes. It’s been a world of firsts for me in the past 5 years. And also lasts…last diapers (thank GOD)…last "12 month old” sizes…last sippy cup. I know more will come, more firsts and lasts, the joy of being a mother is that it’s your title for life.

What do I mean by challenging, then?

I’m constantly struggling with “am I doing it wrong.” I actually have the “fun and joy” motto to parenting, even though it may not seem like it, but you know – play and laugh with your kids. While playing and laughing, teach through example. We try to speak kindly and respectfully. Tell them that ‘hands are not for hitting.’ Hug them whenever possible.

I hope my kids have fun with me, but bet your ass, they also know I’m the Momma. And Momma has rules. When we’re at parties or events, I’ve heard more than once that my kids are very well behaved and I think “Who the hell are you talking about?” They aren’t always the best at home, but if they “do it right” in public, well then, I’m doing something right, too.

We work at it. In the middle of playing with your kids and being fun, we also think that your kid should have manners and we sort of hold them to a high standard. I’ve been around some who don’t listen, have no manners, run wild [not just “being a kid” but wild]…and I truly believe that if your kid’s an asshole at 3, and you don’t work at reigning it in, he’ll be an asshole at 7 and at 14 and then he’ll be the douchbag in every crowd for life. I’m pretty sure my kids aren’t the asshole kids – but if they are, if they’re out of line, etc. – I tell them and they suffer consequences. That’s the other side – when the parent sees it, and does nothing to correct it, well, they’re at fault for raising an asshole.

Back to my parenting questions, I guess. My Big Kiss is 5 now. He’s been in daycare since 4 months old. All year, summers, etc. On Monday, he started a new program there, new kids and new surroundings and it’s kind of our precursor to kindergarten. Both days this week when I picked him up, as he grabs my hand to walk to the car, he’s asked me about the monkey bars. Yesterday, he said “Momma, can we go to the playground so that I can practice on the monkey bars?” My mind races - wondering when I’m going to fit this in before dinner and bedtime and can he wait til the weekend. So I say “sure, are there monkey bars on your new playground?”

“Yes, and I can’t do them and when I fall and run to the other side, Tommy called me a cheater cheater. So can I practice more so I can do them so they won’t call me names?”

I literally choked and turned so he wouldn’t see my face. I was called names as a kid. I was bullied. I never want that for my kids. Ever. But I don’t want him being the name caller, either.

What the hell do I do? I never know if I’m babying him too much. I’m trying to teach empathy and compassion. And he’s got it – a lot of it – but can he have too much? Am I making him too sensitive and a target for the ‘tougher’ kids?

In this instance, I just said “Yes, we’ll practice. We’ll get it. We’ll keep trying. And when those kids call you names, it hurts your feelings right? So you don’t ever want to call kids names, right? Maybe tell them that you’re not cheating. You’re learning.”

Thing is, he’s only 5. I’m sure more things like this happen than I’ll ever know. I’m not a helicopter parent. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish I could hold his hand through every new situation he’ll be in.

I still don’t know if I’m doing it wrong – not sure I ever will. I can only hope I’m doing my best.

```````````
*one of my favorite lines from a movie. Mr. Mom - when dad goes the wrong way in the school drop off line. "DAD, you're doin' it wrong!"

`````don't forget to enter the t-shirt giveaway. Enter all day, every day.

Momma Juice! [giveaway - ends 6.13]

Guess what I got? 

This kick ass t-shirt from CafePress! 

I designed it of course. Because you can do that on the site - here: personalized gifts.

So *paperwork* - I was given this shirt. And I LOVE it. 

My only complaint is that it is a tad see thru, so I'll make sure I wear a better under-garment next time ;)

But know what else I love? I get to give one away.  Well, not this one, unless you want it specifically (let me know, I'll send you my design file). 

Anyway, if you win, you can make your own or pick one of their cool designs or do whatever! How awesome is that?!  It's awesome.  


How do you win? 

You have to be a follower of this here blog. Drink the kool-aid right over there ------>

You have to comment. I don't really care what ya say - wait, maybe you can give me some ideas to blog about or something. I'm lost lately and have only been flipping people off.

You have to leave me a damn e-mail address, all right? put it in your profile or leave it in your comment. Obviously if I chat with you regularly and your e-mail address isn't linked, I'll know how to find you because I'm a stalker like that.



That's it. Easy Peasy, right? Give Away ends next Sunday. 


Why next Sunday? Because this week my bestest friend is coming to visit and she'll leave on Sunday and picking a winner will make me happy instead of sit and wallow in the sadness of my bestie leaving. Good reason, yah? Yah.


And some more brain dumping? My child officially finished his preschool-type stuff at daycare and he's on to their summer program. We got him a back pack and a water bottle and a lunch box today. When I was putting him to bed, he said "Momma, I got a secret! I'll always be your son." 


Damn, straight kid. You will be. Absolutely melted my heart. I think that's why I haven't been bloggin' as much. I've been soaking up this kid's "little-ness" as much as I possibly can. He's 5 now and an absolute gem. 


The other one? The lil effer who was waking me up at unreasonable hours? Well that one's warmin' me up lately, too. All "I love you Mom" and "Please can I sit on this chair" and "Thank you MOM!" Manners, people. It wins me over every time. He's also done potty training, although I still have to wipe his ass. Speaking of, after his 4th trip to try to poop this morning (he sits on the potty to fart. Afraid of the shart possibly?), he finally dumped and had to look and said "It's GREEN! Green's my FAVERIT Colah!" 


He's pretty cute, tho, I'll admit. He even modeled my new shirt for y'all. I think I'll keep him. 

Now pick up your jaw from the "Awwww" you just said regarding how cute my kid is and comment, will ya? 

It's a free frikkin t-shirt! 

***************
Sunday evening: closin up comments. i have to figure out how to save the random.org results to show the winner. i'll be back ;)

Friday Flip Off. Again

So apparently I had SUCH a grand time Fuck You'ing the universe last week, I haven't been back since. And now? Another Friday is upon me.

Here goes.

I should really be a better blogger, because, guess what? I have a cafe press shirt to give away. Yes. Yes, I do. Can’t wait.

Anyway - I spent the weekend swimming and drinking and playing outside and playing poker with my girlies and "celebrating" my Big Kiss' 5th birthday. And have been mourning his babyhood ever since. Not gonna lie, it’s been rough on me. He is a gracious kid, has manners, puts the lid down after he pees. I mean really? He’s a keeper and I want him to stay little. Big Ass Fuck You to that Father time. In case he didn’t hear me last week.

Now. The real reason I’m here today on this FFO is to share that I’m missing something. An article of clothing. You see – on Wednesday – I forgot to reapply my sunscreen and, um, this happened:

Owie.

So I’ve been caked in noxema [feels so good on the burn] and aloe ever since, basically walking around nekkid at home [no lie] and my back is actually worse. I have a new suit this summer and some skin is seeing sun that has never seen sun before. Particularly lower on my back.

And so today?

Fuck You to my bra. That’s right. No bra. I mention I’m at work? I am. Best part? My lil Mommy Makeover that happened last year? The girls are holding up just fine.



Gotta love a good surgeon. And a printed top. And a cardigan. Whatever. I’m flying free today and it feels soooooo good.

Now Flip Off. Or even better, share a fuck you. You know you want to.

[FFO is this genius idea shared by KludgyMom and she even said it's ok if I use the Queen's English and so I linked up.]